I have really been rolling around in the muck, feeling all sorts of sorry for myself. I can and anyone could easily get caught up in the stifling desperation, lose all sense of reality and what is real and fair in the world. Simple enough, you can be oblivious to the world around you, and the people in it — some who are going through their own private hell right now.
Depression makes you appear selfish to others. It keeps you from loving fully, pass by quickly you whisper to loved and strangers alike as it can render you unable to speak or to even be in the presence of others.. Your ability to naturally happen upon the feeling of compassion for others is nonexistent, thanks to the fact that you just do not see those people. They are standing there, but if you are depressed enough you can sit or stand or lie very still, and you will not glimpse even a shadow of the people quietly (and at times desperately) living their lives around you.
When you are deep, sunk into depression, you are not as helpful to others; in fact, making contact can be like creating a physical wound, sometimes shallow and able to be ignored, and other times the contact makes your heart stop. And start. And stop. And start.
My mom and stepdad are in the middle of a divorce now. I have moved past the stage of trying to fix it, to trying not to internalize all of the muck. My mom and stepdad, especially my stepdad, are the ones I think of when I wrote the above. So many emotions, most very strong, a whirlwind that can secret you away if you don’t pay close enough attention.
I spent today with QoB and it was nice. She cooked and I played Dee-jay and she danced around the kitchen just like it was old times. We talked about many different things and I spent a lot of time being silent, as did she. We have always been like that, since forever and a day, able to sit near each other for long periods of time in comfortable silence.