Perhaps my favorite video of Tom Petty singing my favorite acoustic version of “Walls.” This has been a weekend so far, of thinking. Good things have happened, bad things have happened, and I need time to reflect.
Right now I am taking things in, because I notice that I have not been noticing life around me as I should. I have not been being mindful and I have not been introspective. I have been selfish with my needs and wants, yet overly helpful to those around me — often reaching out further than I really should, and perhaps what they needed me to.
This little thing called life that is going on right now, this piece of the puzzle, this particular scratch in the record — it will pass. It must. It must. It must. What lies over the horizon I can’t even begin to predict, and I know that is part of what is killing me bit by bit. I am a planner and an organizer and I want to know what is going to happen when and with who and (sometimes) the why or how of it.
All of this uncertainty, from things as small (ha!) as what do for Christmas as to if I will still miss DSB and not want to get my heart broken again in the new year to what my nephew will be like as he grows from a baby into a toddler to if I will ever be able to lose the weight I want to lose.
And when? And how? And why?
It occurs to me now, as I sit typing this, how I have once again slipped into willfulness and am not letting mindfulness and patience and simple observation take me down the path I was meant to be on. I am trying to control things that I have no control over, I am trying to change things that cannot or will not change, I am beating my head against a brick wall and wondering why I have a headache.
When I feel really bad, as I have for the last while (but not so much anymore), I tend to stop doing all of the things that make me feel better and that make me the Rosa that people like to be around. I don’t particularly think that I am that Rosa right now to all people, but I know I am really enjoying my dad and my sister.
I fully admit that I can be hard to be around, that I can be too intense or too sad or anxious or too demanding. Not everyone sees it that way, however; I can think of two people right off the top of my head that I intrinsically know don’t feel that way, that want my company.
But does that ever happen to you? That important people in your life seem to want to take a break from you? Does this mean that the love or friendship or whatever it is, is not there unconditionally? Or does it mean that this is just people being human? Or does it mean that you have overstepped your bounds somewhere, and this is all your fault?
I think the answers to all of this are: “who knows” and “all you can do is improve yourself and change for the better.” Goddess of Mindfulness has a funny idea about all of this, that she has been sharing with me since I was a teenager. It is often the people that are messed up AND seeking help who are the most balanced, the most introspective, the most thoughtful, the most likely to change ill habits.
So here I am, “the crazy one” in a sea of “normal people” and I am by far acting the most sane. That’s just how it is here in Topeka, Kansas. App;arently I haven’t been drinking the water, because I don’t currently have the crazy. But that doesn’t mean I am not actively every day seeking to improve and feel better and be more stable and independent.
The hardest thing for me to see is a person I care about suffering, who will not utilize the help that is available to them. People have to really REALLY want to change in order to change almost every behavior or circumstance, and I am baffled when peop;le who are adamant with me that I seek help, won’t seek it themselves. Because “that’s different.” Well, no, it’s really not.
In closing, you do not need to be mentally ill to seek assistance and ask your friends/relations/neighbors/;pastor/anyone for help; in getting through what you need to get through.
I would like to remind that while this post is written as a general musing, it can easily be directed at many in my life. I am purposely not calling anyone out on the rug, but I want people to think.
If you need help, ask for it. It will almost always be given, in some form or another. You do not have to suffer alone and in silence.