Over the past month of my unintended absence from blogging (and life in general), it is becoming clearer to me what I need to do and have around me to stay somewhat sane. In the forefront, stress of any kind must be kept to a bare minimum.
Stress. Right. Traumas from years ago are rearing their ugly head and the past year seems like it was fraught with tension and tears and angst. I know that if I am going to survive, I am really going to have to remove myself from all that. Even a little stress is too much. Even a little stimulation is too much.
While in some ways the man I started dating last December has been very supportive, I question if now is not a good time for me to be in a relationship. We fight and I would admit that a lot of it is my craziness, he has serious issues as well. In some ways we are not good for each other. I love him but the fighting drives me crazy.
I have been trying to head back to basics in the last few days. Thinking about blogging (and then doing so), getting started in individual art therapy, taking meds like I am supposed to. Going to my bazillion appointments.
Still not enough. I have had numerous med adjustments. I , continue to be suicidally depressed, am cycling through anger and irritability every few hours, chest crushing anxiety, crying spells several times daily. I haven’t been able to work even a few hours here and there and I don’t know when I will be able.
My doctor wants me to do ECT, since this bipolar has been so treatment resistant. I am looking into it and think I will do it as soon as I get medical clearance. Because really, this shit has to end somewhere. Somehow.