Sometimes A Little is Too Much

Over the past month of my unintended absence from blogging (and life in general), it is becoming clearer to me what I need to do and have around me to stay somewhat sane.  In the forefront, stress of any kind must be kept to a bare minimum.

Stress.  Right.  Traumas from years ago are rearing their ugly head and the past year seems like it was fraught with tension and tears and angst.  I know that if I am going to survive, I am really going to have to remove myself from all that.  Even a little stress is too much.  Even a little stimulation is too much.

While in some ways the man I started dating last December has been very supportive, I question if now is not a good time for me to be in a relationship.  We fight and I would admit that a lot of it is my craziness, he has serious issues as well.  In some ways we are not good for each other.  I love him but the fighting drives me crazy.

I have been trying to head back to basics in the last few days.  Thinking about blogging (and then doing so), getting started in individual art therapy, taking meds like I am supposed to.  Going to my bazillion appointments.

Still not enough.  I have had numerous med adjustments.  I , continue to be suicidally depressed, am cycling through anger and irritability every few hours, chest crushing anxiety, crying spells several times daily.  I haven’t been able to work even a few hours here and there and I don’t know when I will be able.

My doctor wants me to do ECT, since this bipolar has been so treatment resistant.  I am looking into it and think I will do it as soon as I get medical clearance.  Because really, this shit has to end somewhere. Somehow.

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7 thoughts on “Sometimes A Little is Too Much

    • Thanks Middle. Writing it down really did help. I am hopeful I can get this blog up to some sort of regularity again because writing about things always eases my mind.

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  1. I’ve missed you sweetie. Glad to hear that you’re still out there, but not so glad to hear that ECT is being seriously considered. I had a girlfriend who went through several rounds of it. It cleared her depression but also most of her memories.

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  2. I really really feel for you, I just can’t imagine what it’s like – I struggle if I get a few days of PMS! I can tell that you really are incredibly strong underneath it all though, just the fact that you keep wanting to try different ways to address it, that you keep fighting it, that you don’t give up. I know you have probably wanted to give up so many times, and yet somehow you find it in you to keep going, and to refuse to let it get the the better of you, and to not give up hope that you will find a way through. And you will.

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  3. Nice to “see” you back! I think you should definitely get ECT. I have seen some great responses , even after one treatment! Sometimes I wish it was a good treatment for anxiety!

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