It is only within the past couple of days that I have been able to see any kind of real improvement without major backsliding. I have been **gasp** calm today, even in the face of really dumb arguments and an empty jar of peanut butter. I have only cried twice and I slept almost three hours uninterrupted.
A tiny bit of clarity is in my thoughts today, and for that I am grateful. I attribute it to the countless years of DBT with Goddess of Mindfulness and the very small piece of me that has been able to resurrect some of that in my life the last few days. A small kindness or simple yet firm decision can go a long way.
My simple yet firm decision (that I have come to with surprisingly little angst) is that I must get back on a schedule, and do things that make me feel better, more grounded. One would think that, having lived with bipolar disorder nearly my entire life, this would have come to me sooner. Well, it didn’t, or maybe I wasn’t ready to do it. But now I say “no.”
In the next week, I will eat dinner before 8:00P and take meds by 8:30P. I will read and blog and work on new art projects (charcoal drawings, thanks to stepmom Karen).
I will stay out of stressful situations. I will not interact when I don’t want to, and I will not force things because I “should” and other people want me to.
I will not talk about why I don’t believe in God, or my theories on ISIS, or watch the local news.
There will be no overloading of the Rosa, just soft and easy with myself and my time. It will work this way because it has worked before, and because I say so. Not a lot of willingness in there, but sometimes getting through the first steps means being the opposite.