I would like to think that every day I am swimming a little bit closer to the surface of reality and contentment and “ok-ness.”
It seems today was very very dark and only on a few occasions could I see a greyish blue light around the exteriors of objects and words and people. Otherwise it was pitch as night. At this very moment, just the slightest grayish blue. And then it all disappears and I am without any senses to guide me.
I am making such an effort to come up with things to please myself, to give myself a moment’s respite from hell, to wrack my brain for what might be the thing I have missed. I ate a soft-serve vanilla cone today. It reminded me of my sister and McDonald’s and having fewer cares. It made me feel happy for a moment, as I was looking at a faraway memory.
Often the grey light will come from within a memory of my sister or Oscar. I have the picture booklet she made of their first year as a family sitting on my table where I spend many hours. I usually go so far as to only look at the cover, but lately I have allowed myself to look inside and it is almost amusing to laugh out loud at Oscar’s silly face and my sister’s beautiful and loving smile, all the while with snot and tears rolling down my face. And I flip back and through it over and over, laughing, smiling, and feeling like there are things worth living for.
And I tell myself, well, Rosa, at least you can be grateful for one thing if none other. In the here in now, you have remembered there are things worth living for.
This happens to be my very first indication that, while things could go bad again and likely will, for now I have a glimmer of hope that I find in a two square inch photo book. Love you guys.