Trying Harder

On August 28th of this year, LarBear and I had officially been together for eight months.  Eight months, during which for the most part, I had been batshit crazy.  I have pushed him away, yelled at him for no good reason, cried and cried, and been altogether terrified because it does seem that he really does love me in spite of it all.

What does that say about me, and romantic relationships I have had up to this point, that I have such difficulty in accepting love, in accepting that someone wants to understand, wants to care, wants to spend time with me, wants to go out of their way to make me feel better?

LarBear has put up with a lot, and after my last episode-fueled temper tantrum, I had a bit of an epiphany.  THIS is what I have been looking for my whole life, but believing I would never find.  This completely unconditional and true and pure love.  He keeps trying to hand it to me, to give it to me, and I keep batting it from his hands.

And he remains patient, kind, loving.  Through it all, through which nearly any other person I know, other than perhaps my mother, would have given up.  He is invested in this relationship, and he has proven it over and over again.  My tendency is to run, run, run, but I think those days must be over.

It is time that I embrace this beautiful love that is being given to me over and over again, despite my craziness and my flaws and my constant tears.  It’s time for me to stop trying to run away anytime, and to simply enjoy the great love that surrounds me.  Its hard, to be loved.  Its really hard…harder than I ever would have imagined it could be.

But I’m going to try.  My feet are planted and there is an amazing person who tells me and shows me every day that he loves me very much.  Time to stop struggling so hard, and just enjoy and love back.  I really don’t think this sort of thing comes along all that often, and believe I would be remiss in not accepting.

Through all the fog and blur of medications and appointments and symptoms and episodes and cycles, he is there, standing strong.  I really couldn’t ask for anything better, and I only knock myself upside the head slightly when I realize it has taken me so long to realize the enormity of love that is there, in his heart, in my heart, in our home.