I had been doing so well on blogging regularly, but the last week or so has really taken a toll. I have been completely without two very important medications for four days one week, and then totally without any sleeping or nightmare medication for three days the following week. Add that to a very busy schedule, and I find myself feeling a bit worse for wear as days go by.
Of course, I’m gonna come through it, and things are already looking up, but I am fried around the edges. Social contact has become difficult — heck, I don’t even want to be around LarBear half of the time. I just want my music and my sunlamp and for everyone to leave me the Hell alone. I haven’t been doing much Facebook, haven’t been returning messages or emails.
This time of year is classically difficult for me. I haven’t had a “good” winter in over fifteen years, and for the last few years have ended up in the hospital or the crisis residence shortly after the holidays. Heck, this Spring, I even had to do ECT. I still grasp at straws as to things that make me feel better, but sometimes it is grasping into thin air.
I have jewelry pieces I have been wanting to make for Christmas, and I have all of the supplies — I am severely lacking in the follow-through department, however. They aren’t hard pieces, but I just look at the supplies, then out the window at the grey nastiness, then back in at the supplies, and ughhhhhh. I cannot get any motivation going, and as Christmas approaches, the stress of not having these things done or even being worked on grows greater.
So, I’ve been doing a lot of flailing, sitting still, kicking and screaming against doing anything the last week. I have been trying my very hardest to stay positive, to stay in wise mind, but I find myself full of negative feelings and emotion. As much as I can, I am turning my mind away from those thoughts and feelings, but gosh durn, it’s hard sometimes!
Thanks to DBT (and almost 20 years of dealing with bipolar disorder), I have discovered a few things that work to bring me back to Earth. I have been relying heavily on music, breathing exercises, building structure, building mastery, and routines. Yes, I must have my routines — they may seem to be silly and frivolous to other people, but my routines are sometimes the only things that keep me going.
In addition to the medication issues over the last two weeks, I have been dealing with a LarBear who is struggling to deal with the realities of his (negative) family situation while embracing a “new” family that has traditions and celebrations out-the-wazoo. It is overwhelming for him, and he has said as much, and has certainly acted as such. I don’t know much to do except to just ease him through the season, but it definitely adds to the stress level.
Through the course of blogging today, I am feeling a weight lift off my shoulders, and realizing that this dang thing is more therapeutic to keep up than I had realized it still had the power to be. If you are my dear friend, and I have mentioned a piece of jewelry for you for Christmas, know that it may be more of a New Year’s gift, and remember that I am human, and it might even turn out to be a “Happy February” gift. Doing the best I can here, and there’s always manana, manana!