The last bit has been so very up and down, my moods so quickly changeable, intense. Many tears shed, even more maniacal laughter. Sarcasm sharper than sharp, my brain is afire and I find myself plucking “damn, that’s good!” phrases and one-liners from it at random, and feeling prideful, in a sense, that my brain is so damn wonderful. The up and down is fast becoming more of an “up” and hopefully, not a “too up” up. If you had to ask me right this second how I will feel tomorrow, I really wouldn’t know where to begin but would bet on “elevated.”
Memories have been haunting me lately. I attribute it to listening to a lot of different music, and also on the fact that my brain is whirring along faster than ever with the subtraction of a very sedating sleep medication that I decided I no longer wanted to take. Belsomra…that stuff is of the devil himself. So, I took myself off the “anti-nightmare” medication Clonidine, as well, because it just wasn’t working. As my psychiatrist often says, no point taking something that doesn’t work.
I happen to know things are getting better (or at least more interesting) for my mental health because I can identify so closely with the word photos in this post.
I had a really great day today. I made it back to the gym and my water-walking, I helped my mom roll almost three dozen burritos, LarBear and I have been clicking along, and I have all this new-found energy. Great things build upon itty bitty good things, I have found, throughout life. If I can just get started, I can be dangerous. I’m like a snowball coming down the top of the hill that just keeps gaining new snow and getting bigger and wilder and faster. Hmmm, this does not make it sound so positive, but it does FEEL positive.
I am working really hard in DBT on judgement. Judgement of self, but other people, too. First focusing on my own self-judgement, and the rest will follow. I am trying not to judge my quick thoughts and upbeat mood and newfound energy, and to just accept them as they are, not try to label.
That’s hard, and if you have any kind of disorder in your life, you know that. You know the SIGNS, man! The warning signals. I am glad the cycling isn’t so rapid right at the moment, but I WILL keep an eye on things if I continue to get racier in my brain and louder in the mouth. I am so stinking tired of med changes and most days would like to get rid of them altogether, but the constant TWEAK that seems necessary is annoying.
I really must listen to one more song, smoke one more cigarette, drink a little more Crystal Lite, and try to go to bed. I have a full day of things tomorrow, because I WILL be doing things, while I have the energy, seeing as it seems to be so fleeting.
11 thoughts on “A Bit Strange — More Crunch, Less Smoosh”
I love the quotes you included in your post, particularly the last one. I miss rapid cycling. I’m on this med that has slowed me down to the point where I get exhausted walking from the living room to the kitchen. I have also considered quitting my meds because it all still seems surreal to me that there is even anything wrong with me. Great post. I love when I can completely relate to a blogger’s words.
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Thanks, Sandra! I totally get the missing the ups when a medication persists in making me a vegetable. And yes, “surreal” is a good word for it…ALL of it!
“Racier in my brain and louder in the mouth”, haha, that’s me to a ‘T’. Louder sometimes just means effing weird. Odd shit comes out and I it scares people. I started cycling into hypo last week and started leaving weird ass comments on people’s blogs about helping me decide on what to name my new glasses. So glad someone else gets it.
Oh, I totally get it. I really think that’s why people stop speaking to me sometimes, because I just get a little too weird. 🙂
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Yep, the weird factor, sometimes it’s just too much for people to handle. For the record, I don’t think you’re weird. Every time I read your stuff it’s very well-written and organized.
Wow, parallel lives!!! Once I got off an extremely sedating drug – Clozapine – I felt worlds better! Just in general. I still have my ups and downs, but I don’t have this black cloud hanging over me, holding me down. Glad you’re feeling good, go with it! 😀
Yes, feeling worlds better and tempting full-blown mania with three hour sunlamp sessions! 🙂
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Whoa three hours?!?! How can you sit there that long??? I am doing an hour in the morning with it right in my face (12″ away) and an hour in the afternoon with it about two feet away so as not to confuse the brain too much…but three hours? But it must be helping, huh?
I didn’t know clonidine is “anti-nightmare” because I take it for blood pressure. I love the sleep-inducing side effect because sleep — not falling asleep, but staying asleep — is always a battle. It helps me sleep and lowers my BP.
I love you girl, just keep an eye on this. It sucks that we constantly have to question our good moods and happiness, but we both know that if we don’t bad shit can happen. I am happy that you’re happy right now and I hope it continues. ❤
Thanks! Yes, having to monitor highs is such B.S.
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