The last bit has been so very up and down, my moods so quickly changeable, intense. Many tears shed, even more maniacal laughter. Sarcasm sharper than sharp, my brain is afire and I find myself plucking “damn, that’s good!” phrases and one-liners from it at random, and feeling prideful, in a sense, that my brain is so damn wonderful. The up and down is fast becoming more of an “up” and hopefully, not a “too up” up. If you had to ask me right this second how I will feel tomorrow, I really wouldn’t know where to begin but would bet on “elevated.”
Memories have been haunting me lately. I attribute it to listening to a lot of different music, and also on the fact that my brain is whirring along faster than ever with the subtraction of a very sedating sleep medication that I decided I no longer wanted to take. Belsomra…that stuff is of the devil himself. So, I took myself off the “anti-nightmare” medication Clonidine, as well, because it just wasn’t working. As my psychiatrist often says, no point taking something that doesn’t work.
I happen to know things are getting better (or at least more interesting) for my mental health because I can identify so closely with the word photos in this post.
I had a really great day today. I made it back to the gym and my water-walking, I helped my mom roll almost three dozen burritos, LarBear and I have been clicking along, and I have all this new-found energy. Great things build upon itty bitty good things, I have found, throughout life. If I can just get started, I can be dangerous. I’m like a snowball coming down the top of the hill that just keeps gaining new snow and getting bigger and wilder and faster. Hmmm, this does not make it sound so positive, but it does FEEL positive.
I am working really hard in DBT on judgement. Judgement of self, but other people, too. First focusing on my own self-judgement, and the rest will follow. I am trying not to judge my quick thoughts and upbeat mood and newfound energy, and to just accept them as they are, not try to label.
That’s hard, and if you have any kind of disorder in your life, you know that. You know the SIGNS, man! The warning signals. I am glad the cycling isn’t so rapid right at the moment, but I WILL keep an eye on things if I continue to get racier in my brain and louder in the mouth. I am so stinking tired of med changes and most days would like to get rid of them altogether, but the constant TWEAK that seems necessary is annoying.
I really must listen to one more song, smoke one more cigarette, drink a little more Crystal Lite, and try to go to bed. I have a full day of things tomorrow, because I WILL be doing things, while I have the energy, seeing as it seems to be so fleeting.