Rapid Cycling Tempered With Suicidal Ideation and Clarity (TW)

TRIGGER WARNING — mentions of suicidal ideation and self-harm thoughts

not giving up

I have been pondering doing ECT again for the past several days.  According to my mood tracker app, I have had six days in a row now where I have struggled desperately with suicidal and self-harm thoughts.  Had I been using the app for even longer, it would have shown some seriously ridiculous rapid cycling.  The up, the down, it never ends.  This last stretch has been particularly difficult.

I have opted not to go to the hospital or the crisis house, mostly because it is too hard to be away from my natural support system.  With the near-constant help from LarBear, and lots of support from Mom and Dad, and the support of friends, I have managed to stay safe.  There have been many times where I was *almost* not safe, and there was some self-harm behavior that I DID engage in, but I am still standing, still in once piece.  Upright, as I told a friend yesterday.

golden gate

And that’s the truth — there isn’t anything in my life that isn’t *fixable*.  Unfortunately, it isn’t a “magic wand” kind of fix or a pill I can take or a therapy I can do.  It is all, I believe, a mixture of many things that keep me alive and keep me from making that final step into the abyss.  I hover over the line, testing my toes across the edge, but I consistently pull back.

Because LarBear.

Because Kizzie.

Because my mom and my dad and my sister.

Because Oscar.

Whatever the “because” is, it doesn’t really matter.  What matters is that I still have a “because,” and even several of them.  Even at my very worst, I can almost always keep in mind that I don’t want to leave these precious people behind.  It is a blessing that I can think this way, and it is only when I am unable to see their importance in my life that I will put myself into a hospital or a crisis house.

Oscar’s birthday was the 19th, and I meant to do a birthday post for him, but mentally wasn’t up to it.  I am going to try and crank one out in the next day or so anyway — he is two years old now, so I am pretty sure he won’t judge me too harshly for not being on time.

Yes, because Oscar.

Yes, because my sister.

Thank you, baby Jesus, that I have my family, that I have my LarBear, that I have my friends.  Without them, things would be very grim indeed.

And KINDNESS.  No, kindness is not overrated.  It is simple, while being complex, and is really so VERY easy, even though sometimes it’s hard.  So, because kindness.  You never know what someone is going through, right at this moment.  Be kind.  Smile at someone.  You could save a life, without knowing it.  I know I have seen some smiles in my life that have kept me from wrapping my car around a bridge abutment, from stepping out a window, from picking up that instrument of self-harm.  It really can do it.  Please smile at someone today.

lightens the burdens




29 thoughts on “Rapid Cycling Tempered With Suicidal Ideation and Clarity (TW)

  1. *hugs* I’m so glad you have multiple because’s. Maybe you could also write them down and add to the list every so often (perhaps when you log your mood (once a day?)). Then you can read through the list when you can’t think of them off hand.


  2. People don’t always kill themselves because they consider their situation unfixable. Some just find pointless. We find a lot of things pointless, a lot of things that aren’t worth our time.

    I’m glad for you that you have a supportive environment (Although anyone who is anti-suicide is hostile and the complete opposite), but I think it’s better to treat suicide like any other choice.


  3. So glad you are able to focus on the people who love you and whom you love. And that you can have clarity about what’s really important at such trying times, Your fighting spirit is remarkable to observe. You’re such a terrific soul, Rose.


  4. On the insides of both my wrists are tattoos that remind me of my “because”s. I still find myself shoving my sleeves up to look at them on a regular basis and I’ve been out of serious crisis for going on 6 years. You can do this Rosie, we all know you can. And we love you.


  5. Oh dear Rosa!!! I am sorry that you’re suffering from this damned illness!! I’m so glad the lies aren’t tricking you into doing something irreversible. Keep staying safe, whatever that takes. It WILL get better. I am with you and holding you in my heart.


  6. ECT was no more than a temporary fix the first time. Why do you think it will be a more permanent fix this time? Doing the same things while expecting a different outcome is not a sensible response. You need to find some new directions because the old ones do not seem to be working for you.


      • Good! I know you are very unhappy and that can make it hard to think with anything resembling clarity. I wish I had some useful tips here, but I don’t. Things that worked for you in the past are not working now … and that’s worrisome. But you’re tougher than you seem and smarter than most of your fans give you credit for. You’re VERY smart … and between the waves, you need to get up to the surface, grab a lungful of air … and think. In the end, friends and family are great, but you will be the person who saves you. We are always in the final analysis, “the responsible party.”

        I used to long for a rescuer, you know? Until finally, during my last siege of black despair, I realized that even should that knight on the white horse with a bag full of tricks (mixing my metaphors again!) appear, I would say “Thank you, but this is my life and I have to fix it myself.”

        No one knows you like YOU know yourself. No one has that intimate, intricate understanding of the strange byways of your brain except you. I believe that if you don’t step up and decide that you are in charge, nothing will work. You can do it. Not easily, not simply, not quickly. One step at a time. One “think” at a time. Take a mental machete and try slashing your way through the jungle … without destroying the rain forest … which is, I think, what ECT really does. It’s worrisome, scary, and has long term negative implications … even in its new, lower power format. Scrambling your brain for a temporary truce with the demons seems a dangerously high price to pay for a brief and hazy respite.

        I love you. I wish I were there and we could really talk. Together. And I could see you, touch you, hear you, love you properly.


        • It has taken days to respond, I apologize. I may have read this comment thirty times in the last few days, because you are so right, about me being the only one to fix this, about ECT not being the answer, about how much I wish you lived closer and how it brings me to tears that I can’t just reach out and touch something
          I need. I love you and I owe you an email…next few days.


          • I am always here, or almost always. I think about you a lot. Everyone always seems to have comforting stuff to say, but I think you need real help. Some good ideas and useful encouragement. I know what has worked for me, but my problems are different than yours. What we do have in common in that we are smart. Your intelligence is your weapon. Hang on. Don’t walk into locked rooms. Head for the light. And breathe.


  7. Girl, you really got me with that last bit about being kind to another. It immediately made me think of those who are kind to me in hopes that their kindness will make a difference in my day, and after reading this post, I realize that it really did…it does. I just take so many people for granted as I’m hidden under covers licking my wounds. This post was exactly what I needed. AND I love that saying about the guy who jumped off the bridge. So true.


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