A Million Endings in My Mind (TW)

TRIGGER WARNING –thoughts of suicide

 

not how its going to end

There was a time in my life when I thought that everyone on the planet thought about suicide like I did.  That every depressed person obsessed over it, that it was at the forefront of everyone’s mind, even when the feelings of depression had diminished.  That is was the first thing every person thought of when they woke up, or when they drove over a bridge, or when life seemed even slightly too cruel.

My thoughts turn toward giving up at the slightest provocation.  They have been that way for a really long time.  Decades.  I’m not sure how it got that way.  I have (obviously) not given up, because I’m sitting here typing this, and haven’t given up (ever) in the sense that I have tried to end my life.  But, man, do I ever think about it.

All the time.  In good times and in bad.  The thought is always right there, hovering near the surface.  When I say I think about it in good times, the thoughts are always much more passive, such as wanting to sleep and not wake up or wishing that I didn’t exist.  Times other than the good times, the thoughts are quite a bit more graphic.

I think its possible that the thoughts themselves have become obsessive, in a way.  I used them as tools to get through some really impossible situations in life.  When life is harsh and ugly and you are being beaten over the head (sometimes quite literally) with your own illness, the thoughts that you wish you would never wake up are comforting.  The thoughts that you could just oh, say, slide your hand a bit to the right on the steering wheel as you take this curve make you feel a little bit more in control of things.

I’m not sure if anyone is going to understand that, and I’m not sure I’m going to be able to publish this post, because I fear that I’m going to have a whole lot of people tell me how beautiful life is and how I am cherished in it and how I have so much to live for.  Yes, I know these things.  The thoughts still come.  This has become about the thoughts and how the thoughts have taken over my life.

I don’t talk to anyone (at all) about this.  I fear rejection, stigma, and I fear having to look another human in the face and say, lying all the way, that, oh yes, I know things are never that bad that I should have these thoughts.  Because having these intrusive, repetitive, obsessive thoughts is not something I choose.  I don’t *like* these thoughts, but I do have to deal with them.  I do have to live my life, with them whispering about in my head.

I do a lot of living inside my head, I do a lot of not going places, and not talking to people.  Not going places I love to go, like to basketball games, and not talking to people that I love more than any on Earth, like my sister or my dad.  I can’t tell them these things, about these obsessive thoughts.  I can’t picture the words coming from my mouth, even if I think there is a good chance that they won’t immediately commit me to a locked ward somewhere.

If this post reaches even one person who can relate, who can understand what I’m saying, and they can know they are not alone with these commanding and hostile, yet sometimes just whispering thoughts, then that is all I really wanted.  So much of having a mental illness is feeling alone and misunderstood.  I get tired of feeling that way, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.  I’m tired with it, with the isolation and the feeling that no one is really grasping what is happening in my head.

But my story, it’s not ending this way.  I have a  million different endings churning in my head, vying for space and attention, and if I have anything to do with it, the ending I will forge in time’s book is that of a person who never fully gave up, even though the thoughts tried to convince her every day.  I may have to deal with the thoughts, but I can vow that I will do my best to not give in, and to continue to try and learn to silence, to ignore, to resist them along the way, as best I can.

 

23 thoughts on “A Million Endings in My Mind (TW)

  1. Oh man can I relate!! Even if I’m not suicidal, I still think about “what if that car slammed into me” and I’m ok with the thought of dying. I don’t have any great wisdom to impart, all I can say is that you’re not alone. Thoughts of suicide, and thoughts of just plain dying, are never far from my mind. I guess for some of us it just goes with the territory. Dammit.

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    • Its good to not be alone. That’s enough, for the moment. I guess I was hoping to hear that other people never had this problem, so maybe it would be something I would grow out of (after 30+ years, ha!). Thank you for commenting, for coming by, I always appreciate your support. I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Rosa, I appreciate your courage in sharing so openly and being vulnerable. I trust that you will help others, including yourself. I’ve struggled with depression, but not suicidal thoughts so I won’t offer advice, but simple hugs, Brad

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  3. “If this post reaches even one person who can relate, who can understand what I’m saying, and they can know they are not alone with these commanding and hostile, yet sometimes just whispering thoughts, then that is all I really wanted.”

    You got to me, Rosa. Even if I’m going to a good streak, like I am now, the suicidal thoughts are always in the back of my mind. I use to obsess over them, now I just acknowledge them and push them aside. I wish it was that easy all of the time, but I cherish the times that it is.

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    • Thanks for coming by Bradley. It is upsetting to know they still linger at the back of the mind, I guess I had some hopes that I could get rid of them altogether. Being able to acknowledge and push aside thoughts is such a valuable skill, I am working hard to get it back.

      PS Soooo glad to see you are blogging again. You were very missed. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. When I was 13 I became depressed for the first time. I thought about suicide, but it seemed like something I would never actually do. The thoughts came back in my late 20s during another period of severe depression, and again I thought I’d never do it.

    Then 2 years ago I had a plan. I was about to go buy my suicide method when I admitted to having this plan and got sent to an inpatient unit. Ever since then, suicide has seemed like something I really could do and probably would do someday. Sometimes I’ve ended up in inpatient, other times the therapists take a chance and let me wander free. I can’t foresee ever getting through hard days without the idea coming to mind.

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    • I can’t forsee the thoughts totally going away, either, and I’m glad you said it, even though I hate for both of us that its’ our truth. I hope you can find a way to stay safe, whatever it may be. The thoughts come to me so often, its’ like breathing…I’m not sure what I would think if they went away altogether. Also, very sorry it has taken me so long to get back to your comment. I really do appreciate you coming by and leaving a note.

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  5. Things can be terrible. Awful. I have been there. I didn’t like it. But things do not REMAIN that way. Everything changes. Absolutely everything. As inevitable as the turning of the earth.

    Change will happen. Things get better. No matter what it is now, it will be something else. YOU CANNOT SEE THE FUTURE. Your fear is your fear. It isn’t reality.

    People say suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. There is some truth in that. Unless you have a terminal illness that makes a slow and horribly painful death 100% inevitable, everything else is temporary and can be managed, somehow. But. You have to hang around to get to the solution.

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    • Well, I agree with everything you have written. Sometimes I don’t have access to the part of my brain that stores hope, is what it feels like. I have thoughts and ideas, but I am fairly certain that I would always reach out before going through with anything. I appreciate all of your support, and I’m sorry I haven’t been around and that it has taken me so long to get to this comment. You are in my thoughts often, dear friend. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    • No, I don’t think there is anything “wrong” with it, either — it is only when the thoughts become so obsessive and noisy that the problems come. Thank you for coming by and commenting. I’m sorry it was so long in getting back to you.

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  6. *hugs*
    My totally uneducated first(ish) thought was, have you written them down, the endings, I mean. Not graphically, just, ‘ drive off a corner’, ‘drive off a bridge’, ‘…’ . Then, when the same one comes up, you can say, “oh! It’s you again, you’ve been here before and I’m still not interested. Next!”
    Except I have no idea whether that’s just asking for trouble… :S

    Good to hear you’re still around, despite all the whispers, and I’m awestruck by your bravery in putting yourself ‘out there’ and sharing those thoughts that usually stay hidden. 🙂
    *more hugs*

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    • First off ((hugs!!)). I feel like I haven’t *seen* you in forever…I hope you are well. So, yes, writing all the thoughts down is definitely asking for trouble. I haven’t figured out how to “win” this battle yet, but I am still fighting hard. Maybe these thoughts will always be around, maybe not — I am trying to just deal day by day.

      ((lots more hugs!!))

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      • Yeah, somehow it’s been ages 😦 I’m well enough (still trying to figure out what’s messing with my stomach, but that’s not news), are you physically better? You went through a whole lot of trouble too….
        I did wonder, but maybe telling them they’re not going to be pandered to would make them go away? I have no idea. I know the world isn’t a happy place when I pms (or pmd(epression) if that’s such a thing – I tend to fall in a hole instead of getting stressy), but that only lasts a few days and I know it will be over soon. I can’t imagine it long term and I don’t really want to find out how it is!
        Surviving hours then days at a time sounds like a viable plan 🙂 Keep plodding on 🙂 (or ‘just keep swimming’ like the finding Nemo fish – maybe Dora??)
        *hugs back*

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  7. You very eloquently have spelled out what so many of us feel. I want you to know your book can have chapters written by others who walk along side of you, making the choice to keep going on. I can’t help but feel we belong together in this virtual place, winding and stumbling together as we go along. Always reach out. You never know who may be listening. Maybe someone has just exactly what you need to hear. I’m glad you are alive today.

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    • Robin, I am really sorry I let this comment linger for so long without a response. Thank you for stopping by, for taking the time, for being kind. Do you think that people (in general) realize what it would do for a person, if they heard “I’m glad you are alive today” (or some variation thereof) on a regular basis? Its the thing people forget to say.

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  8. you are a fighter, i am so glad you arent gonna give up. unfortunately i relate. i know the feeling of wanting to end it, having the suicidal idiation going on internally while you try to act and look normal to everyone around you. i do it every day too. stay strong, we will beat this together! XX

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