As recently as yesterday, I was tending to suicidal ideations and paranoid thoughts in my head. As recently as three days ago, I was ready to go to inpatient hospitalization. As recently as last week, I had spent the past three months in tears, every single day, for at least three to four hours, off and on. For, it seems, the very longest time, maybe up to a year, even, with a few brief respites, I have fared with quite poor mental and emotional stability.
It is entirely too soon for me to tell you this, but I laid in bed for a very brief time tonight with itchy fingers. Itchy to type and tell you the “news.” Itchy to share my newfound hope, my clearheadedness, my thoughts that it feels as if my life has taken some sort of major turn, and it feels distinctly like Rosa in general is a well-loved Tetris game, and the blocks are falling in very satisfying configurations.
Just as the grass is getting greener and the buds on flowering trees are forming, I can almost hear a more positive and happy and WHOLE version of myself unfurling. I am sure it sounds trite, convenient, unrealistic, impossible, and (let’s not mince words here) frigging annoying as fuck that I am spinning out into what appear to be much calmer waters with the onset of Spring. It really IS too soon to tell…but I wanted to tell you, that’s what it feels like.
I have had so little joy, and have been buried quite deep really in the pits of despair for such a gawdawful long time, that I really feel the need to celebrate this first day of hope, of feeling satisfied with *things* in general. The intellectual Rosa knows that this is my mood cycling up (but hopefully not “too” up) in pace with the weather, the time change. The intellectual Rosa knows that this is almost another year (already???) of DBT under the belt, practicing it every day or as faithfully as the severely downtrodden and willful can. It’s also another med change, although just a baby adjustment.
I have another idea about happiness in general, and I was oh-so-fortunate to find the following:
I ran across that gem on Facebook, and it spoke to me. I saved the link at first (as I am apt to do with things that really speak to me but that I don’t want to share because otherwise I would share every other post some days), and then came back to look at it again the next day, and to be frank, I’ve looked at it no less than 30 times in the last week, thinking to myself, could this be? Is this all “happiness” is? — which begs the question, why have I been letting the rest of the world determine what MY happiness is to ME?
Good question, Rosebud. Its a good question and its a great question, and the answer for now is that I don’t have to have an answer to that. What is best and what is good and will make me whole again, I fully believe, is to determine my own happiness. Yes, that simple. All of the willfulness in the world has been inside of my fragile psyche the majority of my life, and I (once again, for those who are counting) will be letting that go and putting willingness back in my heart.
Today was so amazing and wonderful from a standpoint of making myself get things done and do things I have been afraid to do and fend for myself and not make the assumption that I am weak and hopeless and can’t do anything for myself. So, since today was so great, and that’s what it was like, my new mantra, in addition to the one above, is simple.
I have identified happiness, and I know how to get there. Or at least I did today. Maybe someone can give me a nudge if this theory falls all to hell tomorrow or next week or in July. And feel free to remind me that it was too soon to tell. It’s really hard not to get excited when the shift is a complete game-changer.
10 thoughts on “Entirely Too Soon to Tell”
YAY!! I’ll take one day of hopefulness and happiness!! Hopefully it continues!!!!!
Kudos on your progress Rosie. I’m glad spring and your courage are helping you move toward your own version of happiness. hugs and blessings, Brad
A powerful post, Rosa, with excellent thoughts about the nature of happiness. Your writing is fabulous too. Consider these two excerpts alone:
“As recently as yesterday, I was tending to suicidal ideations and paranoid thoughts in my head. As recently as three days ago, I was ready to go to inpatient hospitalization. As recently as last week, I had spent the past three months in tears, every single day, for at least three to four hours, off and on. For, it seems, the very longest time, maybe up to a year, even, with a few brief respites, I have fared with quite poor mental and emotional stability.”
“What is best and what is good and will make me whole again, I fully believe, is to determine my own happiness. Yes, that simple.”
Your writing is honest, simple, clear, powerful. I hope that one day you will find an editor who can select the best of your blog posts and turn them into a book. With some fine editing, it could be a strong book. No pressure here, Rosa. Something for the future.
Progress is a beautiful thing. ❤
Great post and very heartening. And what great timing, with spring about to burst all around us … life renewing and you, too. My granddaughter is going through much the same process you are. It is painful to watch, yet I believe that both of you will find your way.
Time is really getting away from me! I am sorry that I am just now responding. Email troubles, mom just for married, starting a few new groups plus adding an entire new program…I find that unfortunately some things have been pushed to the side. Somehow I stopped getting emails from WP and when I went to send you a picture I took of Kizzie, there is no longer a Marilyn in my address book. Technology bites sometimes! If you could send me a quick email so I have your address, I have all sorts of fun and glorious things to tell you! And now I am off to refollow a bunch of bloggers! 😎
This is my blog: https://fotografiarocioph.com/
You haven’t written since mid March…are you on the mend? What’s up? Come back to us. I was so excited when I saw you had come by my blog.
Ugh, I know…although I am going to be difficult and point out that it was more the END of March, than the middle. 🙂 I am doing really well right now and am going to blog very, very soon. Stay tuned! (and thank you for this boot-in-the-derriere comment…sometimes I need a jumpstart!) 😀