Pretending to Believe

coffee-health-benefits-and-coffee-quotes-L-0JOka4There are three reasons I am coping today:

1) Coffee

2) LarBear

3) Kizzie

4) Lucy

Okay, so liquid brainpower, my boyfriend, and my two dogs are the only reasons that I am hanging onto a shred of sanity.  A very tenuous hold on the shred of sanity, I might add.

I have been up, up, up in the clouds lately.  Feeling like nothing could go wrong, like my world is in perfect order, like bipolar disorder had taken a vacation and left me with something that I laughingly call “recovery.”  My friends, there is just no such thing.  One does not “recover” from a severe and persistent mental illness.  One battles it on a day-to-day basis, one does not graduate into a life where there are no symptoms.

At least, that’s what I believe.  Today has been really rough.  There has been a lack of sleep thing going on for the past, hmmm, several months, and it is catching up with me.  I spent the entire day in tears, had to cancel all of my appointments, and, in general, I was forced into hibernation.

Right now, it’s been three minutes since the tears stopped, and they are starting back again, now that I am thinking about them again.  I refuse to let today ruin the progress that I have made lately, and I choose to believe that tomorrow might be a better day.  One day full of crying does not an episode make.  Of that, I am living proof

So, I will do what I know to do.  I will blog and I will journal and pet my dogs and ignore my phone and watch some trashy TV and read my book.

I will wake up in the morning and things will be all right again, I won’t be crying, and I can resume my precarious journey through this recovery thing that I don’t really believe exists, but that maybe one day I might believe in a little, if I just keep trying.imagesWFGPH81B

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17 thoughts on “Pretending to Believe

  1. Very well said, Rosie. Your perspective is so accurate and misunderstood by so many. “One does not “recover” from a severe and persistent mental illness. One battles it on a day-to-day basis, one does not graduate into a life where there are no symptoms.” The key for sufferers is to not let the inevitability and unpredictability get them down as a permanent state of being. And like you also wrote, “I will wake up in the morning and things will be all right again,….;” this seems to be a helpful attitude for you, which is wonderful. I wish you well.

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  2. I know you will keep trying, Rosa. You always do. I also know it’s a tough battle, but I see you trying. “I choose to believe that tomorrow might be a better day. One day full of crying does not an episode make. Of that, I am living proof.” My best wishes.

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  3. Yes… just a bad day, not a bad life. Thanks for the reminder. I believe we have to work at feeling good every day – some days it come easily and naturally and other days it is a struggle. I hope today is a better day for you.

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  4. I’m so far behind on my blog reading and I’m playing catch up right now so I’ll know more as I progress through my inbox how you’re doing, but at the risk of sounding like one of those people we want to hit when they say this to us, sometimes a little sleep, like even an hour nap makes the whole difference ~ducks to avoid shoe being thrown at my head~ 🙂

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