There are three reasons I am coping today:
Okay, so liquid brainpower, my boyfriend, and my two dogs are the only reasons that I am hanging onto a shred of sanity. A very tenuous hold on the shred of sanity, I might add.
I have been up, up, up in the clouds lately. Feeling like nothing could go wrong, like my world is in perfect order, like bipolar disorder had taken a vacation and left me with something that I laughingly call “recovery.” My friends, there is just no such thing. One does not “recover” from a severe and persistent mental illness. One battles it on a day-to-day basis, one does not graduate into a life where there are no symptoms.
At least, that’s what I believe. Today has been really rough. There has been a lack of sleep thing going on for the past, hmmm, several months, and it is catching up with me. I spent the entire day in tears, had to cancel all of my appointments, and, in general, I was forced into hibernation.
Right now, it’s been three minutes since the tears stopped, and they are starting back again, now that I am thinking about them again. I refuse to let today ruin the progress that I have made lately, and I choose to believe that tomorrow might be a better day. One day full of crying does not an episode make. Of that, I am living proof
So, I will do what I know to do. I will blog and I will journal and pet my dogs and ignore my phone and watch some trashy TV and read my book.
I will wake up in the morning and things will be all right again, I won’t be crying, and I can resume my precarious journey through this recovery thing that I don’t really believe exists, but that maybe one day I might believe in a little, if I just keep trying.