The Payback of “Too Much Happy”

TRIGGER WARNING: talk of suicide

Just when I thought I had things figured out, or close to it, my fragile balance erupted and the lack of good sleep I had been experiencing turned into a total lack of sleep, overall.

Irritability, flights of fancy and grandeur, and 2:00 am drives around town, as I debated just what I could run my car into that would kill me and not just hurt me enough to make me a vegetable, a further burden to my family. These thoughts, they concerned me very little.

What was really weighing on my mind were the really sharp knives in the kitchen. That would be easier somehow, maybe less messy, with a smaller chance of collateral damage. I was plotting my demise rather thoughtful of others, or so it seemed.

After trying to see my med provider yesterday, she sent me directly to the crisis house, where I am sitting now, anxious and not sleeping but at least there are no sharp objects and I don’t have access to a vehicle.

17 thoughts on “The Payback of “Too Much Happy”

  1. You did the right thing, seeking help. I’m so proud of you for that. Having thoughts is one thing, considering acting on them is another. I’m glad you can admit this, own it, and change it. When you are vulnerable, life is so hard to see as precious, but it really is, and so are you. I’m praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, hope over death turned out to be an “a”-okay choice. πŸ™‚ I’m not 100% better, but better enough to be home, so there’s something! Thank you for dropping by, I always love to see you!


    • Smart…man, I don’t feel like it, but I’m glad you said it anyway. Knowing what to do isn’t always being smart, its just having been down that road a few trillion times. πŸ™‚


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