Throw a Bunch of Thoughts into the Pot

sunshine in three days

It has been a very up-and-down three days since I released from the residential crisis center.  To start with, the weather has been crap, or (to be more accurate) severe, and I am tired of rain, tired of thunder, and very tired of keeping up with two dogs who suffer from varying degrees of thunder and storm phobia.  I told my mom I was going to order them and myself a doggie thundershirt.  Yes, they really are driving me that crazy (ier???).

After reading a friend’s post about SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), I realized that some of my angst might be coming from a lack of sunlight, so I have my sunlamp blazing now, and I just pray it doesn’t throw me into a manic spiral.  It seems like the last month or so, I have experienced the true ick of rapid cycling, and to say it hasn’t been fun is an understatement.  Right now, this moment, I am desperate to feel just a little better, so in front of the sunlamp I will sit, until the bipolar devil on my left shoulder releases it’s talons from my flesh a bit.

I spoke with my peer mentor yesterday, and the conversation that I was worried about went just fine.  We are going to start meeting twice per week for 90 minutes each session, which is what I wanted.  She states that she never received any word that I was at the crisis house, including the Trust Quotes (9)voicemails I sent her and her unit secretary.  I don’t believe her.  I completely think she is lying, but it just shows that you can’t trust people.  Which is sad, because before all of that happened, I had been thinking about trusting her more than the average human being.  Now, I’m not so sure.  It isn’t easy for me to trust people in the first place, and my faith in people is easily lost.  What is different about me, is that I do give people many, many, many chances.  So, while I am not trusting her so much at the moment, she is going to get another chance.

Now that I have pushed through the suicidal ideation and self-harm thoughts of the past little while, I find I am stuck with huge spikes in my anxiety level.  I have spoken with a few people about it, and my therapist today even wanted me to go into the hospital.  I am not going into the hospital unless I am at a danger to harm myself, and I’m not, so therefore I will figure out the anxiety problem while I am living at home.

I’ve read a few interesting articles on evening anxiety, including this one because it talks directly about anxiety specifically in the evenings.  Every evening between four and five o’clock, I am having a very severe anxiety spike.  This has happened with regularity for over a week, since before I was in the crisis residence, and has happened at other times in my life as well.  I have a hard time when it gets dark outside, but its light at that time right now, although I do notice a further anxiety spike as the sun falls.  My mom and I jokingly have said for years that I have “sundowners,” which is a worsening of symptoms typical in Alzheimer’s patients at dusk.

Obviously I don’t have Alzheimer’s, but I have never been able to figure out why evenings are so difficult for me, other than maybe for trauma reasons.  I think it also has to do with my fear of the dark, which hasFear-of-the-Darkbecome more pronounced as I age for some reason.  Those little things that go “bump!” in the night…full body shiver.  I do believe all of that also relates to my issues with sleep and near-constant nightmares.  It is ALL related, I do believe.  I just have to figure out how to ease my unease.


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16 thoughts on “Throw a Bunch of Thoughts into the Pot

  1. I’m sorry for all the bad things that have been going on with you, but I’m glad you’re home and not a danger to yourself. I pray your anxiety improves, along with your overall mood and that you find the clarity you seek.


  2. I’m more afraid of the dark than I was when I was younger. I solved the problem by leaving lights on. Not bright, huge lights, but enough so I don’t have to enter completely dark rooms. It helps. I know it sound simplistic, but it works for me.


    • That is a good strategy. I do have some nice lamps that I could put here and there, put some really soft light bulbs in them. That might be a good solution that particular problem. 🙂


  3. I love that saying you put in here about trust and the crumpled paper. It’s so true. I don’t give many chances (if any) either so I hear ya sista! I do hope though that this counsellor will do some good, and you will have so many sessions so hopefully if only one little nugget of goodness comes from each one, you may have your pockets full before you know. And can I just say how common some of our symptoms are…I get the evening anxiety too. I’m a nurse (not working right now d/t dealing with bipolar shit) but I get such anxiety before I have to leave to work a nightshift. I used to blame it on the fact that I didn’t want to go to work (which could still be a possibility haha!) but now that you mention you have this evening anxiety, I’m going to look into it further. Take care my sweet friend.


      • There’s a skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy called Moment to Pause. The idea is to stop for a moment when you’re having overwhelming emotions and try to identify what you are feeling and any triggers that may have caused it. So when I do that I often recognize that it’s just getting later in the evening and the things that are overwhelming will seem more manageable at a different time. If it’s reasonably late I’ll try to go to bed, but sometimes it seems too early for that so instead I have to find an activity to distract myself with. Lately it’s been coloring or scrapbooking, but you can substitute with whatever enjoyable hobbies you have.

        Liked by 1 person

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