Fractured Personality

Sometimes I feel like different people live within my body.  The strong Rosa, the weak Rosa, the angry Rosa, the meek Rosa, the funny Rosa.  There are more, but those are the ones that come out the most.  I’m not suggesting that I have multiple personality disorder, I am merely stating that I can feel so markedly different from moment to moment, that I don’t know how else to explain it.

I want the tough and strong Rosa to always persevere, but sometimes it feel like she won’t.  Sometimes the flailing Rosa takes over, and any sense of hope is lost.  It’s that Rosa that’s drowning in a foot of water, and just needs to stand up.  Sometimes she can hardly be convinced to stand, even get on her knees, even though that would “save” her.  This Rosa has easy access to the “give up” button, where every small and inconsequential thing is exceptionally difficult.

I find myself stuck in this mode far too much of the time, and the only thing that brings me out of this particular funk is to write down on paper all of the “evidence” I have for not remaining in this frame of mind.

And then the tough and strong Rosa gets to break ties with the flailing Rosa, and all can be well for a bit.  The funny Rosa that likes to tell jokes and be sarcastic and get others to laugh even makes an appearance, for awhile.  I wonder, as I am writing, what I could do to make all of the different Rosa’s into one more cohesive persona.

So much of my problems are black and white, this or that, all or nothing.  This is a way of thinking that has plagued me forever.  I rarely see any middle ground on an issue.  I am all in or all out, and then vacillate between the two, never landing in the middle.  This is the dialectic, so they say.  This is why DBT works for me, this is why I must constantly strive to put the fractured Rosa back together, to make her whole.

This is why I do this, this is why I write — to straighten these things out in my head, and to marry the parts of Rosa back together.

“The Scientist”

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry
You don’t know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let’s go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

Oh [x4]

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3 thoughts on “Fractured Personality

  1. I think this is true for most of us to some extent. More sometimes than others. We are all different people in different situations — depending on who we are with and so many other factors. Sometimes all my selves have a big conference … what I used to call “a conference call.” Various pieces argue with the other pieces. It can get very raucous in ones head when all the selves decide to have at it and all YOU want to do is get some sleep 🙂

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    • Conference call, I like that! It is always a relief, also, to be validated and know I am not the only one who experiences these feelings…I think that is a large reason as to why I blog, so I can relate my experiences to other people’s.

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      • Other writers describe it in more detail and at great length. It certainly is a leading contributor to insomnia, that is for sure. Making those voices just shut up? I’ve never really figured out how. I’ve always thought it was part of being a writer, having those “observers,” “commenters,” “narrators,” and worst of the lot, the “second guessers/critics.” It gets really noisy in my head. James Lee Burke’s character Dave Robicheaux talks about this a LOT. It’s one reason I’ve always loved the series. Burke attributes it to being a recovering alcoholic … but I know plenty of people with an awful lot of squabbling going on in their brain (why do they always get into high gear at bed time?) who aren’t recovering anything. I think it has something to do with creativity and imagination … but I have no proof except this is so universal among my friends and associates. Lots of bloggers, too. I’ve written about it a few times over the years. It’s actually a little quieter than it was when I was younger, but all my “characters” aren’t gone … they just take the occasional break.

        Liked by 1 person

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