Hope. It comes and it goes, it fluctuates wildly over the course of every day. Some moments, I feel downright defeated, and others I feel as if I can take on any little issue that comes my way. Today was a day where hope varied widely over the course of the day. What counts is that there is hope in this moment, and so I have hope for hope, hope in the future.
If I am being entirely honest with myself, and can put to side all of the niggling irritations that I sometimes let consume me, I don’t want my life to look like it does now in five years, or even five months. There are things I want to do, to accomplish, to weave into my day-to-day routine. I want things to be *better* and I want things to be *ok*.
If I am being completely honest, “things” ARE better than at certain moments in the past. Quite a bit better, actually. Sometimes I go back in time and wade through blog entries of years past, and I see that I have come a very long way in many areas. At this moment, I can count back even a month or two or six and see what a vast distance I have traveled. Rosa on the bipolar train, it goes around in circles, but it is altogether *better* than it ever has been, even while I can see many improvements that I want to make.
I have a secret, y’all. Someday, I want to work again, even if it’s just a little bit. I want to work in some capacity where I am helping people, like I used to, in my former worklife. It obviously can’t be as stressful or have as much responsibility behind it, but I itch to do something, anything that makes a difference in someone else’s life.
I feel like I come from a place where I have all of these tools I have learned, and I really think maybe they could help a person or two. I don’t have everything figured out, but on a clear day, I have quite a bit figured out. I don’t claim to be better than anyone else, or know more than anyone else, but I do have a unique angle, I do have a life that other people (I think) could relate to.
I’m thinking about talking with my DBT leader about someday (we’re talking months, maybe a year) being in a peer support role, where I attend DBT meetings as someone other than a client. I have had years and years of DBT — I truly believe it is something I would be good at.
If I could teach just one person how to find willingness, man, that would be something. I have a few blog friends who consistently over time have encouraged me to write a book. It is only in the last month or so that I have started to take that advice seriously, and have thought, just maybe I could. Maybe I SHOULD.
If I can rise over the negativity that seems to settle cloud-like around my brain nearly every day, without warning, then I think there is hope. I think that this photo to the right is true, that your mind believes everything you tell it, and maybe I should start telling my mind that I CAN and I WILL and surround it with love.
None of this is rocket-science, and I may lose sight of everything I have written today by the time tomorrow gets here, and maybe this is all just a little bit of hypomania thrown into the mix, but things are really starting to make sense, to click, and I think the key just might be the hope I am holding out for hope.