Without planning and without, really, even a second thought, I placed myself on summer vacation a few weeks ago. I had been putting a lot of time and energy into DBT and using the skills, and I was getting frustrated with the other participants in my group. It was (is) chock-full of people who don’t do their homework, who don’t complete their diary cards, and who are disruptive at any chance.
One of the women frequently gets angry and storms out, never to come back. Why she is allowed to do that over and over and over, I do not know. We DID all sign a contract that DID put some limitations on maladaptive behaviors (or therapy-avoiding behaviors, in this case). While the storming out is, at best, quite disruptive and unsettling, it is mostly just annoying to me that this person walks out instead of using skills which she clearly should have something of a grasp on, one year into the program. I mean, even a limited grasp, I would say.
But, don’tcha know, DBT is all about not being judgmental and meeting people where they are, and it is not I that am leading the group (although I have had enough DBT I could probably give a fairly good whack at it, and have already been told I have enough knowledge and experience to be a peer leader). I decided that, while I have mostly been focusing on distress tolerance and floating with emotion (rather than fighting), and doing urge surfing, I need now to focus on nonjudgemental stance. That means focusing on not being judgmental of other people and, even trickier, not being judgmental of MYSELF. Let’s just say it has not been an easy row to hoe.
My life outside of DBT has offered up plenty of opportunities for me to be harsh and critical and judgmental, as well as plenty of opportunities to leave me in complete hysterics for days on end. I am happy to say that I have not succumed (much) to said hysterics, and am only indulging myself in small amounts of FTFO (otherwise known as “freaking the fuck out”).
I am allowing myself to ask LarBear and my dad for help, and I have been using interpersonal skills from DBT to get my needs met as far as setting boundaries and asking for what I want and need from pretty much any relationship I have at the moment. It works, and if you don’t use it, you lose it, with the latter part of that being so very true, and the reason I always find myself back in formal DBT groups every few years.
Many a boulder of big news will roll down the proverbial hill in the next year or so, I would say. Most of it is good, and the rest can best be classified as “unknown” for others, but neutral for me. Because I have so many wonderful family members that read, I can’t go into too much detail at this very moment, but big changes are coming to my life, and so I find that I am using the start of my own “summer vacation” to just chill out a little bit.
You know, enjoy the good things in life and flat-out pretend that the bad are not happening. Sometimes a little denial is all you need to get yourself through a day peacefully, and while it isn’t necessarily a coping skill that one should employ on an every-moment basis, it sure does make me more tolerable to be around and also keep me from hyperventilating about all of the stuff running around in my mind.