Choosing To Not Give In

It seems that I have had a string of not-so-great days.  It is odd, because my stress should actually be decreasing, instead of skyrocketing.  I now have hot water, a working septic, and central air conditioning…which I hadn’t had for about a month.  Those little “daily tasks” which were made so difficult by lack of those things, have been made much easier, but my mood has begun to plummet into darkish places, and I’m running in place, trying to stop that downward trend.

In other news that should be reducing my stress level, QoB has decided to stay put right where she’s at, no moving hours away, and one would think THAT would make me feel better.  It doesn’t.  To further decrease my stress level, we don’t have to move into a rental, but she is finding a house that we can afford to buy and I have great credit, such to the point that I can get a mortgage in my name.  Her goal is for us to save money from the point we are paying out right now, in the new place, and still own.  So, it sounds perfect, does it not?  It sounds like all of my really big, fat, ugly stress problems should be gone, doesn’t it?

I know.  Shit.  That’s just not the case.  If anything, my anxiety is more pronounced, and I hate to say this, but my mood is going downhill.  Towards depressed, with increasing agitation and annoyance and irritation and flustery-blustery-yuck.  I don’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, deal with anyone.  I am able to handle LarBear and the dogs, and that’s about it, other than brief interludes here and there.

I have no desire to do anything for the 4th of July, and if I were going to be frank about it, I’d say that, really, actually, I can’t stand the 4th of July.  Everyone drinking, small fires and explosions everywhere, I hate being outside in the dark, heck, I don’t like being away from home when it is dark outside.  I am afraid of the dark, at 34 years old.  The whole holiday seems entirely too much about alcohol and blowing things up and eating picnic food.  No, thanks.  I am officially done pretending that I like anything about the 4th of July celebrations.  I don’t even want a freaking sparkler or those poppers that you throw on the ground.

In trying to pinpoint where this increase in depressive symptoms, anxiety, and irritability comes from, I have made little progress.  I talked about it with my therapist today, and we think it could just be a cute little bipolar cycle.  Ya know, bipolar, making it’s rounds, duck-duck-duck-GOOSE!  The fact that changes are ahead doesn’t help, but at least they are more manageable changes than what they were going to be.  I mean, yes, LB and I will be moving, but the circumstances are better.  Other than that, much else stays the same.

So, like I said at the beginning, a few bad days does not make a bad life, and a few bad days doesn’t even make a bad episode.  I’m a few days away from this being an actual episode, and maybe I can calm it with enough DBT and Klonopin and ice cream, that it keeps from becoming an actual episode.  I certainly hope so.  I think, what is most disappointing to me, is that I almost had myself convinced that I had this disease whupped, as in, permanently, as in recovery = permanence.

I will keep choosing, every minute if necessary, to not have this rule my life:

 

 

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15 thoughts on “Choosing To Not Give In

  1. Thank you again for sharing your pain and your joys. i know how much of a struggle it can be. I love what you wrote, specifically focusing on “So, like I said at the beginning, a few bad days does not make a bad life, and a few bad days doesn’t even make a bad episode.” And your bottom line was awesome: “I will keep choosing, every minute if necessary, to not have this rule my life:” Thank you again, and keep up the good work, because work it is.

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  2. While technically it is true you have less to stress over, really the fact that so much has changed in a short period is pretty significant. Good changes, yes, but still SUDDEN changes, etc. I know it isn’t all that, it would be overly simplistic to begin to think that, but don’t discount all that you have had to process so far. ((hugs))

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    • Yes, sudden, for sure. I do feel as if I am suffering a bit of emotional whiplash, perhaps. And you know as well as I do, discounting any progress I have ever made in my entire life is what I do best. 🙂

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  3. In my experience change is stressful. Even good stress,even when it’s stuff you want. Getting married, for example, is massively stressful. So is moving into a new house, even when you really love the house and absolutely want to be there. That something will result in positive benefits doesn’t lower the stress level and sometimes, getting through the stuff we need to do to get to where we want to be … well … it’s a long, hard road. MOVING is my least favorite thing in the world. Just thinking about it makes me want to go hide in a closet.

    Your reaction to all this change — positive change — is not as strange or out of line as you think.

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  4. Good responses from your other followers here, Rose. And your determination to stare this one down is impressive. Just be kind to yourself. You’ve been through much and as Marilyn says, just thinking about moving is a stressor for me too. My best to you.

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    • Yes, being kind to myself. Wow, it’s hard. But, that’s where the ice cream part of my anti-Fourth-of-July celebration comes in, I suppose. In seriousness, I know you are right, and I know that in a way you are somewhat reading my mind, because I have just not been nice to myself at ALL lately. Thank you for your kind words, they are appreciated as always.

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  5. I love “DBT, Klonopin and ice cream” all great ways to get through the day! I have a hard time with the 4th too – loud noises like gunshots, crowds of people, yuck! We should have a holiday called “Quiet and Calm day” with reflection and relaxation instead. Anyway, moving is one of the biggest stressors in life, planned or not. Hope you have an ok weekend and celebrate (or not) in the way you need to.

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    • Seriously, DBT, Klonopin, ice cream…who needs anything else? 🙂 I would love a holiday called “Quiet and Calm Day,” and if we could add maybe a word-limit to words that are actually said aloud, or we could just add a “STFU” clause. Let’s think about that!

      Thanks for stopping by to comment. It’s always so nice to see a new face. 🙂

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  6. There are some great quotations and some great ideas here. You can get through this! Even if these days turn into an episode, you have come back from it so well before! Your determination to stay positive is inspiring!

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  7. NOTHING to stress over? I was fairly itching just reading your post, Rosie girl! =) This is a BIG deal, lost of stuff going on, lots of stuff out of your control. I applaud your own advice, and concur… just keep swimming. =) Worked for me the first time I heard Ellen say it, and holds true today. Sometimes the waters are calm and happy, sometimes murky with riptides. All I know is you are a FANTASTIC swimmer and friend, so know you will make it thru to the sunshine at the other side. =) Love and hugs to you!

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