At some point, I made up my mind to stop projecting my thoughts of self-hatred onto other people. I mean, I’ve made up my mind to do that a few times within the course of my life, but I have really committed to it, at this juncture. I had grown tired of feeling belittled and invalidated by the comments of others, and found that, while sometimes the other person was at fault, sometimes it was all in my head.
Even keeping this in mind, there are times in our lives when we have to go through the people in our circle, and evaluate who is helping us and who is hurting us. Sometimes it is the person we least suspect who is actually hurting us. Often it is a person we don’t think of often, who we don’t talk to much, or just aren’t that close to anymore who is injecting poisonous and negative thoughts into our lives at every random encounter.
This has been the case with my life, I have found. I have shored up my defenses and boundaries, where it really was lacking and was necessary, but found that I had a few little relationships with others here and there, some I thought very important, some not so much, that I have recently realized that I would simply be better off without.
Last week, I went about the process of figuring out how to terminate the peer mentor process that I have been going through. After examining what happens at our appointments, thinking about what positives this time-consuming activity brings to my life, I realized that this program is not a good fit for me. Very little productivity comes out of these meetings, and it is all too clear that my peer support person is working on nothing with me, and is in fact harming me with some of her suggestions.
She suggested I quit DBT groups. Wow. Really? I mean, yes, they drive me crazy, but they are one of the main things keeping me going. She doesn’t take medication, and is somewhat anti-medication, as well. She has a negative view of LarBear, and is very opinionated and judgmental. I just don’t feel I am getting anything positive from the relationship, and in fact I generally feel more anxious and worse in general (about myself) after I see her.
So, I made the decision after speaking with my DBT therapist and my regular therapist, and QoB, LarBear, so on and so forth. I am no longer going to subject myself to these appointments just because I feel like I *should.* I am also not willing to be in contact with someone who is flailing along, while trying to help me. If you are a peer mentor, you should have your life at least somewhat together, you shouldn’t be laying out all of your own problems at each meeting, and I shouldn’t feel like I am the one giving you advice at all times. I don’t feel comfortable in this relationship at all, anymore. It is therefore over.
And that is exactly the problem I am having with a few of the smaller, more acquaintance-type relationships in my life. As if I have explained myself over and over, and the other person isn’t willing (or able) to change. And in some cases, I just feel like the other person doesn’t care, and I tire sometimes of chasing my tail to make other people happy. I need to chase my tail to make myself happy, not to benefit other people. Sometimes there is only so much you can give of yourself to others, and if they don’t give a little back, you can’t keep giving yourself, over and over.
One of the biggest parts of my mental health road right now is to surround myself with people that nurture me, not those who hurt me. I am putting distance between myself and other people for a reason, and one of the biggest things, is if you never reach out to me, I might just stop reaching out to you. What happens then? Change has to happen, is what happens then, and if no change happens, then I might have to give up on some things that I thought could be good, because it turned out that they couldn’t.