My mom has always said that it was in her 30’s that she really started figuring out what she would and wouldn’t tolerate in life, and who she would let in her life and who she wouldn’t. My 35th birthday was August 11th, and I have been thinking about those things.
I have been thinking about family members, about casual acquaintances, about the people I surround myself with. I have been thinking hard on all of this, and I can see clearly that, sometimes, I have given a person many more “chances” than they deserve.
I wouldn’t say my romantic relationship, that with LarBear, is totally perfect, but it is pretty freaking amazing and wonderful and altogether positive. Almost two years now, we have really started to figure each other out, can anticipate each others’ needs and wants, we know each other well. We know how to cheer each other up and what to do when things get rough. I am completely satisfied with this relationship, and I fully believe that it will continue long into the future, as long as we stay true to who we really are, which we do on a day-to-day basis. I can say with full confidence that LarBear is “the one,” and there is no doubt in his mind about it, either.
So, having the romantic relationship thing finally figured out, that leaves me with bunches of other relationships that need tending, need mending, and, it has finally struck me, that need ending. I have tended and mended a few here recently, and today, was struck by a ton of bricks about how I REALLY feel about a person who has been a key figure in my past.
I’m not trying to play armchair psychiatrist, but this person is a classic narcissist. And he has been, my entire life — I have just been blinded to it. I don’t want to trash-talk this person, but he doesn’t read this blog and he isn’t a very big player in my life anymore, and now, I’m deciding, he will play an even lesser role. I am not going to let my ex-step-father (is that a word?) rule over me with his manipulative tactics any longer.
Without going into detail, I (and my mom, and my sister, and everyone he comes into contact with) have long suffered from his toxic character, and now it is going to stop. I am also going to cease contact with his side of the family, because, with the exception of a very small handful of people, they are just as, if not more, toxic, than he is.
RosieSmrtiePants 
I have had to break with quite a few people over the years. I’ve never regretted it. My father was the hardest and the most important. Talk about toxic, wowie. And the second ex. Should have worn a hazmat suit to bed. I suppose, all in all, it’s not a huge number of people, but when you’ve lived 70-ish years, they add up.
Parents — real or step — are always hard. There’s so much baggage there. In my experience, removing bad relationships (and sometimes, really bad people) from you life is like removing a thorn from your foot. Suddenly, you can put your foot down and it doesn’t hurt. Good for you!!!
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That’s exactly it! About putting the hurt foot down and it not hurting anymore — how descriptive, I love it!
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I decided to write about my lifetime of experience being bullied by a family member, and I let him know about it before I published it. I asked permission to use some pictures in the post, but didn’t feel I needed his permission to tell the story itself. He told me not to use the photos (fine) and never to contact him again (also fine). I had written the draft over a year earlier, and it just sat there with the desire to publish it never going away. I’m glad I published it, but it was both painful to publish it and painful to not publish it, if that makes sense. I agree with this quote by Anne Lamott: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
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Love that Anne Lamott quote. It is good to “see” you, Marcy! You are such a fearless writer, yourself.
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I ended up hitting the point of no return for the nth time with my parents a bit over two and a half years ago, and cut them off. I managed to make it stick this time, and it’s been one of the best things that I have ever done for myself and my mental health. So I wholeheartedly support anyone who can recognise the narcissists in their life and snip them. And, on a personal level, I make sure to give my extra love and support to my friends who can’t safely cut out their narcissists.
Anyways. Well done. 🙂
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So far it has been a really, really, really good and freeing thing. I’m happy it is working out for you, too. 🙂
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As mentioned prior, there are always hella good reasons to move forward. OR even pay it forward. What matters in life, in my most humble position, is to figure out how to keep rolling with YOUR life as others change. And more importante, how YOU change. If one doesn’t feel better with a path, ’tis likely meant to pay attention and take a different path. The only path one can change is one’s own. Ain’t no changing another’s. Being oneself is key. Never, ever, lose yourself in the battle to figure out who YOU are.
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Wise words, especially about never losing oneself in the battle to figure oneself out!
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Hi Rose.
You write very well. I enjoyed reading you posts and look forward to seeing you next Monday as well as your house once you get settled in. I appreciate that you invited me after hesitating when I initially invited myself. âº
Talk to you more next week. Paula
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Paula, I am excited you are keeping up with the blog. I think that is really cool! And thank you for the compliment! I am really looking forward to your feedback on setting up the craft room in the new house, and I appreciate that you realize what a big deal it is for me to have you in my home. I felt very comfortable with you there the other week and I hope you can help with ideas on getting the new room set up. Will talk to you next week, I hope you have a good one!
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