Roughly two months ago, I was talking about “still waters” and not rocking the boat. I always have these fantasies that those feelings of stability will have some sticking power, but I have been downright down and depressed and agitated lately, and more lately than that, physically ill and the most exhausted I have ever been. All through this period, I stopped caring about things.
At first it was a conscious decision, like, “eff that.” Then it became quieter, until I wasn’t reaching out to anyone but I was doing my best to keep up pretenses and did a lot of cancelling appointments, making excuses for why I couldn’t/wouldn’t be there/had disappeared.
I am not right on top of pulling myself out of this sinkhole, but I am more aware of it, at least. I have started smoking again (yeah, I know, I know, I know) and am going through the whole beating up of myself over that failure. I have barely been to the gym in the last month, and have even given up on my calorie tracker, MyFitnessPal, most days. I am trying to resurrect all of that slowly, but to lay it all out there, it’s not working for me.
I have let issues get so big, piles so high, and issues so neglected that I am extremely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed to the point of panic attacks and almost nightly nightmares, which is not a good place to be. I haven’t felt like reaching out to anyone, somewhat because the response I am afraid I will get it how PROUD people are of ALL MY HARD WORK. When it comes out here that there has been no hard work, just continued survival and nothing else, I don’t want to have those words ringing in my ears.
On a related note, I get so sick of myself saying, things are great, things are mediocre, things are terrible, and then up and down and back all over again, that it is a lot of the reason why I don’t blog often. If I am this sick to death of me, I don’t figure anyone else wants to hear this shit either.
2 thoughts on “The Struggle to Make Noise into Music”
You are awfully hard on yourself. Do you think the rest of us DON’T do the same stuff? Maybe we have other reasons, but the results are the same. Stuff piles up and the more it piles up, the less you want to do it. But then, one day you get a grip and you start working through the pile … and discover it’s not nearly as bad as you thought it was. Some things, you decide aren’t all that important and you never do them and surprisingly, life goes on. I’m always amazed by how many things I don’t do that turn out to be unimportant.
Stop beating yourself up. It makes everything worse. It always gets better. It WILL get better.
The first line my Counsellor said to me when I started was ‘Just because I think it doesn’t make it true’. You can’t know what other people are thinking do don’t beat yourself up thinking you do.
When people asked me how I was, I said I was a work in progress and I still do say that.
Interact with people, it helps, write it out too, even if no one else reads then it’s good to get it off your chest.
Most of all though, go easy on yourself x