Because Saying “Screw Off” Can Be Hard to Do

tupac

 

Well folks, apparently it is altogether possible that there is an actual meme or photoquote or graphic to describe how I am feeling right now.  And really, leave it to Tupac to set me straight! Things continue on in my world, about as normal as the setting on a washing machine, but again there have been some blips on the radar.

My mom (QoB) and stepdad (Big Dawg) were together for thirty-some years when their divorce was finalized at the beginning of 2015.  Big Dawg did his part (to the best of his ability), in helping my mom raise me.  I won’t say he was perfect, but he wasn’t a demon either.  He was many times there when I needed him, although was just as often in the other room staring at the TV while I cried and fumed and fought and otherwise dealt with the the irascible mental illness within my brain.

He angered easily, although he never struck me or my sister (that I remember), but my clearest memories are of him losing his temper and yelling and doing the lecture-thing far too often.  It was through him that I truly believe I learned some really terrible coping skills and relationship skills, but I don’t hold him to blame for any of that.  It is what it is, it was what it was.

Somewhere between the announcement of the pending divorce and now, I have taken it upon myself to be extra-special-nice to Big Dawg.  Mostly because I feel sorry for him, now quite pathetic and alone.  When he and QoB very first broke up, I do believe (looking back) that he showered me with attention and affection, using me as a pawn to get to my mother.  I do see that clearly now.

What’s difficult, is that the attention he gave me, I had been thirsting after for most of my life, so I didn’t see it as negative at the time.  In fact, it is hard to see it as negative even today.  And maybe tomorrow, it will be difficult, too — I have no way of knowing.

What I do know is that my mind has been playing some fierce tricks on me, and I am at a point where I am on a wire above the city, balancing between giving him more benefit of the doubt, more opportunities, more chances, or just hopping off the wire onto my emergency inflated escape pad and giving absolutely NO MORE of myself.  Now, not no more of myself forever, but for quite some time.

I have a tendency to give too many chances, especially to the men in my life.  Oftentimes, people around me don’t understand it, and wonder why, oh why, is Rosa giving this schmuck another go at her heart and *fragile* psyche.

I have a hard time giving up on people, and I always have.  I can have been completely hurt by someone at age six through thirty, and continue to give more and more chances.  It has worked out in my favor a few times, but mostly it ends me up with heartache.  I don’t want anymore heartache at this point.

I am at a point right now, where I am unsure if I can follow through on current family commitments, nevertheless keep attempting to stoke the fire under a certain person’s ass, praying that they will take notice of me again and give me the time of day.  Praying I won’t always get chosen dead last for every little thing.

I grew up with a romanticized notion of how someone was, deep down, and now that the gold glitter paint is flecking off, I’m at a loss as for what to do.

I will make it through this Thanksgiving because I am tough and LarBear will be at my side, but I am not sure I am going to be able to follow through on anything after that.  I believe everything is going to need to be “up in the air,” and I will take it day by day.

Which, hmph, is what I am supposed to be doing anyway — mindfulness, keep it simple stupid, day by day, minute by minute, stay in wise mind, hug a tree.

 

Son-of-a-Bisquit-Eater & Thoughtful Tuesdays

I am not very happy with myself right now.  I have had a small relapse in the quitting smoking realm.  I find that the mornings are especially hard, when I am trying to wake up.  I gave in to temptation this morning and have had a couple of cigarettes.  I am trying to tell myself that a few cigarettes in 24 hour’s time is a big deal, and I need to give myself credit for that.   Unfortunately, I know that relapsing is a big deal and I feel like a failure.

I don’t know why I did it, other than that the cigarettes were available.  I think, had they not been, I would have pushed through it.  That might be an excuse, but it’s what I’m working with right now.  It is really hard for DSB to be smoking and me to be stopping.  He has been going outside, but the cigarettes are STILL AROUND and it is driving me crazy.

I need to work on developing some healthy habits that not smoking can center around.  I want to get out and take a walk, but my knee right now is keeping me from doing that.  I am getting ready to do a bunch of dishes and clean up my kitchen, which is how I made it through last night, but how clean can you get a kitchen before you’re done?

On a somewhat-related note, DSB has agreed to do the floors, as long as I can get the kitchen spotless.  That is a BFD in this household and, being as it is the chore I hate the most, a huge relief to me.  All that talking I did yesterday, when I thought I was talking to a wall, obviously got through.  I also think he was feeling guilty because he has done nothing but sit on his butt for the last several days.

I must say, I have had fun with NaBloPoMo, but I will be somewhat relieved when it is over.  There have been days where I have really not felt like blogging, but did so anyway.  Character building, right?  That’s how I’m looking at it.  So far, I haven’t missed a day and don’t intend to now.  In  honor of Thoughtful Tuesdays, I leave you with this:

creative-inspirational-quotes-thoughts-part11-61

Epiphanies, Realizations, and “Duh” Moments

I feel like my mind is a little less foggy than it has been over the past six weeks of being ill.  Today, crazy ideas and realizations just seemed to come to me, sweep over me.  I think this is why so many people say that the thirties are the best years of your life…when you really start to figure things out.  At least that is how my thirties have been so far…all three months of them.  Can’t hardly wait to be 37 now and know it ALL!  Hah!

Something I have actually found is, the older I get, the more I realize that I don’t know.  Things I thought I had figured out…nope, not even close.  Things I didn’t think I knew anything about, I find myself knowing a little more now.

It has seemed to me, as of late, that my co-workers are frazzled and burning out.  In particular, my supervisor has seemed especially annoyed and irritated with me.  I asked a co-worker about it today, just to check and see if he was sensing what I was.  He told me that she was annoyed and irritated with me.  That all of my checking in and letting her know about things happening on my caseload bothered her.  That I was needy and needed constant confirmation and reassurance.  Well, I can see how that might be.  I also tend to talk about things I have already emailed about.  That is also apparently annoying.

I have tried talking to my supervisor many times, and here within the past six months just get an “I’m busy” and an annoyed look.  If I don’t want to chat with her about the new car she wants to buy or the latest family drama she has going on, she doesn’t want to hear from me.  It’s really strange, because I am just realizing this almost as I type it.  Whooooo epiphany!

What is so strange about this is that, from the start, she has put herself right in the middle of my job.  She wanted to be kept in the loop, updated, etc.  Now she just doesn’t give an eff.  I am trying not to take that too personally.  As QoB reminded me, I am always talking about how burned out she is, and now I should realize that, by being burned out on her job, part of that being burned out has to do with my supervision.  Well ok.

I’m not too sure what to do about all of this.  I don’t want to try and talk to her, because she’ll just think I’m needy and am complaining (something she said today, “you never come in here except to complain.”)  I guess I thought that employees were supposed to come to their supervisors with their difficult cases and concerns.  Apparently I am doing too much of that.

So, because she has changed, I need to change how I operate when communicating with her.  I can do that.  I don’t like change, but I can do it.  It is difficult to take 30 years of neediness and put it aside, but I think I can do it slowly.  I think I have actually made some progress in that area in my personal life, over the past few years, and I know I can apply it to my work life.

Now that I know all of this, I have my “duh” moment.  Her constant crap mood is not about me.  It is directed at me sometimes, but I am not the root.  If I were to come into her office to talk trash about anything, she’d eat it up.  If I go to her office to talk business, she doesn’t want to hear it.  This is not about me.  I repeat (mostly to myself), this is not about me.

After some thought, and a suggestion, I unfriended anyone associated with work from my Facebook page today.  It was a good feeling.  I looked at the people left on my friends list and thought, “Wow, I really would like to know more about what those people are up to now!”  I also unfriended some people that I just find annoying.  What a relief.  Who knew that “unfriend” button could bring so much satisfaction?!?  QoB did, that’s who.

QoB also once sent me this YouTube, before I knew what it meant to actually work in a cubicle.  Things that make you go hmmmmm.

My Cubicle, A James Blunt parody

Cure for Self-Loathing

Sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking that everyone hates me, because I am soooo unlikeable.  Recent evidence has come to light that most people actually don’t hate me, and that my perception of other people’s actions or non-actions often don’t have anything to do with me.  The amount of assistance, love, and thoughtfulness I am receiving from others in my life right now makes it really difficult for me to keep up with my personal belief that I am an unlikeable piece of shit.  Go figure.

I went over to the new house yesterday to find some beautiful floors.  QoB and Frog Queen have really been working hard!  I can’t believe how good they look!  I was cussing up a storm, so happy!  Isn’t that weird to cuss up a storm when you’re happy and excited?  Yeah, maybe.  I think I come by it honestly, though.  🙂

I had some much-needed relaxation last night, hanging out with my step-sister and brother-in-law.  We had a little Mexican fiesta, complete with margaritas.  Woot woot!  It was really nice to hang out with them because, between our schedules, we don’t see a lot of each other.  And it was nice to do something fun and relaxing.  Looking forward to more of that in the future!  Just gotta get moved, now!

So I’ve really been working hard with the dogs on their separation anxiety and overall anxiety.  I have been giving them bones, which, amazingly enough, Kizzie has not been burying!  That’s why I hadn’t been giving bones for so long, but it turns out that Kizzie has turned over a new leaf and is actually enjoying them  now, rather than letting them rot in the ground and then digging them up six months later, all disgusting and wormy.  Let’s just say that isn’t something you really want in your house.  Yuck!

My plans for today are to bring some boxes of stuff over to the new house, sort through a bunch of clothes and donate them (or at least get them in the car so I can drop them off tomorrow), and then vacuum the house I am living in now.  It has gotten pretty dirty.  Not disgusting, just lots of dirt and leaves and bamboo that the dogs have tracked in.  I am hopeful that it won’t be such a problem at the new house, because the area that will be fenced will be much more manageable to keep cleaned up and free of yard debris (much smaller).

My stress level has been slowly lowering over the past few days.  I know I had my little breakdown on Friday, but overall it has been better.  I had realized that I was only getting about six hours average of sleep over the past year (there’s a counter on my CPAP), and I had thought I was getting much more.  Now I am taking care to go to bed a little bit earlier and sleep in a little later.  I feel better already!!

Today is St. Ignatius Loyala’s feast day, so Dad and I are going to mass this evening to celebrate.  Dad says we can call him Iggy, since he was a Jesuit and I went to a Jesuit college.  Not so sure about that, but it will be nice to get back to church.  I have missed the last few weeks due to the hectic schedule of moving and I have really missed it.  Need to figure out here within the next month where I am going to RCIA classes.  There are a few more churches I want to check out, but my heart is already pretty set on one that I have already been to.  We shall see, though.

A tribute to QoB and Frog Queen:

Barenaked Ladies, If I Had $100,000,000

 

Consider it Googled

First day back to work since the plague struck last Thursday.  I thought I would feel kind of crappy by the end of the day, and did to a certain extent.  For one thing, I was not really hungry all day.  I had a few Triscuits for breakfast and then some almonds around noon.  Oh, and I guess Dr. Love was really generous and gave me a whole corner of his chicken sandwich.  Other than that, nothing.  Strange for me, because usually I eat regular meals.  Maybe I should get sick more often.

The hand sanitizer and bleach spray are coming out in full force at work.  I had our porter deep-clean my office today and even talked her into leaving me with my own little bottle of bleach spray.  Inmates use my phone sometimes, and it is in style in prison to wear a lot of Vaseline on your hair.  Um, yeah.

I knew that flu season was coming because there is a gallon size bottle of pump hand sanitizer at the access points to the facility.  And it’s gone done about a quarter since they put it up new this morning.  Prisons are disgustingly full of germs.  Almost more MRSA than in a hospital.

So, I need to get my flu shots.  I am going to check and see if they give them at the clinic at work, because they do a lot of times.  My co-workers scoff at that and tell me they wouldn’t go in there if they were dying, but that’s who did my shots last year and it worked out just fine.  I think it really depends who is on duty, and if that nurse on duty actually knows and likes you or thinks you are just that uppity DOC bitch.

After getting off work, I went to the grocery store.  And started to feel hungry.  You know that’s never a good thing.  I stayed to my list, but also bought some soy cheese that I am hoping isn’t as revolting as soy yogurt is.  I actually had to throw that stuff out.  And, yes, Dr. Love, I did throw away an entire half-gallon of Walmart brand chocolate soy milk.  Wasn’t even edible.  Here, I owe you $2.50.  We’ll just put it in your brownie points account.

I am now having the perfect evening.  I am blogging with a Chelada at hand, an amazing dinner bubbling away.  I accepted (at least for today) that I still have a lot to do at work, but I don’t need to give it a second’s thought after I clock out.  I petted my dog, chatted with my birds, and planned out some dinners for later this week.  It’s all very luverly.

And before ya know it, Dr. Love will be home and I can regale him with stories about taking 25 items through the self-checkout line at Dillons, incurring the wrath of that young mother buying store-bought cookies last minute for some Halloween event.

Speaking of Halloween, my dental hygienist asked me today if I have decorated for Halloween.  When I said, “Ahhhh no” she asked me, in the most serious of voices, if I was going to put up any fall decorations.  I think Megan has a little Martha in her.

My step-mom has decorated for fall.  It is very pretty, but at this point I am just thankful to be not living in chaos.  We still have tons of boxes out in the garage!  And a downstairs bedroom that hasn’t been put together yet.

But I do admit, I’m jealous of those people that decorate for fall/winter/spring.  I wish I had those kind of Martha moments in me, and sometimes I think I do, but my Martha energy almost always gets diverted into cooking.  Or coming up with a new way to organize something.  Or sitting at QoB’s table drinking Cheladas, stirrin’ up shit.  You SO know that Martha does that.  She totally does.

May I just mention how disappointed I am that Pandora has flipped it’s white belly to the corporate blady-blah and, well it just sucks now.  Commercials and all.  Time listening limits.  And when you create a station, it will start to suck after about a month.  This issue may be why the music I have been sharing is less than stellar, or it may be because this post makes #232 and I’m running out of songs I like.  Any suggestions are appreciated.

Kate Nash, Im Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance”

Just Like A Grizzly Bear

I am feeling rather pissy this morning.  It may be due to the fact that I slept like crap.  Apparently I was sleeping a little too deeply last night and had drank too many fluids right before bed.  You get the idea.  Bleh.

I’m sitting in my bird room with the two parrots I have quasi-inherited/taken over since Gav has been in the nursing home.  I love these birds and I don’t know if he really gets that.  I hope he does, hope he doesn’t move to Mobile, hope my birdies don’t go away.  I suppose I would come to an understanding if that were the way it would go, but it would make me feel like crap.

This weekend wasn’t terribly remarkable.  We went to a street festival with an amazing fireworks show on Saturday with my step-sister (my new bestest friend) and her husband.  It was fun, but DAMN, it was hot.  It was good to get out, though, even if it did mean that I stayed up way too late two days in a row. 

I am getting a lot out of my Pandora lately and have been featuring songs from it the last couple of posts.  I am actually getting a lot out of blogging, as well.  No promises that I can keep it up, but I’m gonna try.  Just like anything, it’s hard to get into a routine.

I know I’d like to get into an exercise routine.  I was thinking about joining Weight Watchers, but have decided against it.  I have done almost everything possible throughout my lifetime to lose weight.  I’ve done diet pills, drank shakes, done Weight Watchers, and so on and so forth.  Nothing has ever had a lasting effect.  I know when I was feeling my best, I was just watching what I ate (through counting WW points) and walking my dog. 

The plan is to go purchase some points books at WW and get out and walk the dog.  It would be easier if the heat index wasn’t 105 degrees when I got home, but I can come up with another million excuses, too.

It seems like I never have enough time in the morning to do all of the things I want to do, especially on Mondays.  I detest Mondays, although  I know that is a fairly common feeling among most working folks.  But really, really, I detest Mondays.  It is so hard to get back into the swing of things. 

Dr. Love and I are getting along better, trying to work on the whole communication thing.  It is an uphill battle sometimes, but it seems like we are both putting in more effort.  Apparently relationships take hard work.  I know I’ve heard that somewhere, and it appears to be true.  Who would’ve thought?!?

I have been trying to stay more in touch with my family up North.  I would love to go up there for a visit, but can’t ever seem to string any vacation time together.  Maybe in the Spring.  Now that I have more room, I would love for any of them to come here.  Maybe Cousin Carrie and her boyfriend will come, which she has mentioned.  It would be awesome to see them all again.  It sucks living so far away from all that family. 

Regina Spektor, The Calculation

Sounding Off

Hallelujah, it’s the weekend!  Work this week was generally painfully slow, although there were some mornings/afternoons that were pretty intense.  That’s the way it goes with any kind of case managment.  It does make me grateful though that I’m no longer doing the case management thing in the community.  I think I’m also feeling particularly grateful for that due to a dream a had last night in which I was fired from my job, had to move in with QoB and Big Dog, was forced to leave Kizzer at home for long hours while I worked at a burger joint, during which time no one fed or petted her.  Could it really get any worse?  Yes, yes it can.  Right before I woke up, I was at a ridiculously loud and obnoxious party where I had to choose between being transported to hell or, um, being transported to go to hell. 

I am totally blaming this dream on the new show, Caprica, which premiered last night on the SyFy channel.  It was horribly disappointing, especially if you were hoping for anything like BattleStar Galactica.  I suppose, however, that if you generally watch those crappy B-list TV shows and movies that SyFy puts out (with the exception of possibly Stargate, the newest version being Universe), then you may have enjoyed it, or will enjoy it and should just DVR the damn thing so you never miss it.  I now know why WWE wrestling is advertised on SyFy.  ‘Nuff said.

So, yes, surprise!  I have turned out to be a rather picky geek when it comes to sci-fi television and movies.  I attribute this to Big Dog’s lifelong obsession with the channel and Dr. Love’s fascination with all things sci-fi, including SyFy TV.  If it became a pay-channel, I would totally buy the tier so I could have it (kind of like we had to buy the tier to have the Discovery channel and ended up with a ton of sports and news stations). 

Ok, enough about TV, because I could really go on and on about it.  I can just see QoB shaking her head and saying that TV is a waste of time and my Dad thinking “I wonder if she happened to catch the series about George Washington on PBS?”  They obviously don’t share my passion for SyFy or the numerous crime shows I watch.

My goals for the weekend are simple.  I generally get all worked up about something and have a huge list that just riddles me with anxiety because I know it won’t all get done.  This weekend, I plan on relaxing.relaxing.relaxing.  Something I don’t do very well.  So far my only confirmed plans are a late celebration of QoB’s double-nickel birthday on Sunday and basketball games tonight with Dad.  In between, I picture myself playing my piano, watching things off my DVR, spending time with Matt, going for some leisurely walks.  Of course, I have a list of things in my head that I would like to get done…going to the grocery store (an every weekend thing), washing the Kizz, washing my car, doing my floors, doing laundry (although Dr. Love always ends up with the brunt of that), returning the final Christmas gifts to the mall (ARGH…the mall!), general cleaning, getting cigarettes, picking up Dr. Love’s cake that my well-meaning aunt baked for him because QoB’s dogs ate an entire chocolate cake and he didn’t get a piece and so on and so on. 

Well now.  I don’t sound like I’ve had a pot of coffee and an hour in front of my sun lamp, now do I?  😀

Bear McCreary, Shape of Things to Come, from the BattleStar Galactica soundrack