Kizz, The Mind Reader

Daily Prompt:  Who is the last person you saw before reading this prompt?  What is that person thinking right now?

Well, obviously, the last person I saw before she made me listen to her read this prompt aloud was, ahhh, Mommy!


Because I am the best puppy mind-reader on the planet, I can tell you the top five things running through her head right now:

1) ‘Gah, Goddess of Mindfulness says I have to shower EVERY day.  How the hell am I going to manage that?’

2) ‘Ok then, unfollow you — never responding to comments is so RUDE!  And, you’re boring.  And you write three sentence posts fifteen times a day.  Goodbye!’

3) ‘I’m so glad I didn’t stop and get a salted caramel shake after dinner at Mom’s — I AM going to do this healthy eating thing, even if it kills me.  I’m so tired of being that fat girl!”

4) ‘I wonder if I should text my sister and tell her I’m coming next Thursday to spend the day with Oscar.  It might be better as a surprise, especially since she gets so nervous over other people taking care of him.  I wish I was trusted and had the know-how and could just go spend the day with him by myself.’

5) ‘I need to get done with all of the computer stuff soon so I can go read my new book.  Starting at the first of the “Jack Reacher” series, with so many to go.  I hope the action starts picking up soon.’

6) ‘Poor Kizzie.  I’m not home enough and I don’t hand out treats often enough.  I should let her lick my plate when I am done.  She’s such a great and talented puppy, she deserves it!’

Okay, folks, that’s what Momma’s thinking right now.  The top five, anyway.  Her brain sure is a mess sometimes, wading through all sorts of thoughts.  And number six, well, that may be my own doing.  Think she’ll go for it?

Kizzie Tells it Like it Is

It's a dog's life

It’s a dog’s life


1) I am a dog and am not qualified to do this shit.

2) Mom spent the last three days at work, plus doing a bunch of other stuff, and she seems tired.  I think she’s even snoring a little.

3) TToT will have to wait until tomorrow, because, like I said, the woman is dead on her feet.

4) Mom did manage to get one months full of medi-sets put together, so there’s a good chance she won’t mess up and double-dose herself, or skip them.  That’s good for all of us creatures in the house, Daddy included.

5) Daddy plans to put the pool up tomorrow, but Mom doesn’t know.  It’s supposed to be a surprise!

6) Back to normally scheduled broadcasting manana.  xoxo  The Kizz


Sun in My Eyes

Things are looking up from yesterday.  Yesterday was not pretty.  It was filled with frustration and anxiety and irritability.  I would have blogged about it, but I was in too much pain to sit.  That, and I was whiny.  No one likes a whiner.

Long story short, yes, I do have staph.  No, it is not MRSA.  Wound remains about 3/4″ deep.  Abcessed area is 2″x2″, down from 4″x3″.  I am healing, but too fast.  Yesterday, my ARNP cut me back open and messed around in the wound.  She then told me that the dressing that keeps getting applied isn’t going to work, because there is too much drainage.  Obviously…I had to go back twice yesterday and every day this week.

I am really liking the ARNP that I have seen a couple of times for my cyst wound and I have an appointment scheduled with her to become my new primary care doctor.  She is even going to do my psych meds, which would be fabulous, because going to the community mental health center is hell.  Especially now that my ARNP at the CMHC thinks that I am a drug addict.

Having an Rx for Clonopin does not make me a drug addict, especially when I barely ever use it for PRN.  Anyone that knows my Clonopin-taking habits knows that I rarely use it, even when I need it.  Because I do not want to be a DRUG ADDICT.  Ok, still a little peeved at that lady, but I’ll get over it.  As long as I don’t have to see her again.

Back to my new ARNP, who I shall name Giggles.  She really seems to know her stuff, she is friendly, supportive, and always listens.  She makes time to see me and talk to me about my concerns and makes me feel better by really explaining things to me.  That is hard to find sometimes, when you have Medicaid for secondary insurance.

I worked my four hours today and am not going to do anymore.  I worked for two hours, took a 30 minute rest on the couch, and then worked another two.  I was busy during that time, but it was super-painful to sit that long.  I may or may not have tried to do a few things at QoB’s house, just to take a little stress off of her.  The rest of the day calls for the couch, and then back to the clinic this evening to have my wound repacked and redressed.  I did start a load of laundry, but we’ll see how far I get with that.  Baby steps, baby steps.

It is funny how physical pain can make you feel mentally unstable.  I have to keep reminding myself that I am not getting depressed.  I am laying on the couch and taking naps because my physical well-being REQUIRES it.  I am only working half-days at work because my doctor REQUIRES it.  Sometimes I just need to give myself a break.

I have been at odds with my stepsister for the last month or two.  My dad told me a few choice things that she said, and I was already fed up with her behavior before that.  She is mean to her kids, verbally abusive, really.  That bothers me.  The youngest just turned one year old and the older is 11.  Also, when I go over to her house for dinner, I bring everything to make dinner with me and she doesn’t contribute at all.  And then she gets upset if I take home extras with me.  Things that make ya go, “hmmmm.”

She called yesterday to invite me to my niece’s first birthday party slash new housewarming party.  I was relieved to tell her that I had a staph infection and could barely sit, therefore I could not make it.  I am not mad or upset, I just don’t want to be around her.  I don’t find that I get anything positive from it and it is often upsetting.  That is part of my life now — choosing what I will and won’t tolerate and sticking to it.

Kizz and Birdie have been driving me a bit crazy lately.  Birdie is still not house-trained and my beautiful hardwoods are getting ruined.  I really think that they will clean up with some Bona treatment, but it is hard getting around to that when I am all gimped out.  I am looking forward to feeling better so I can catch up on that.

The dogs also really have separation anxiety, and that can be stressful.  They chew up things, they act crazy when I leave and when I get home, and they rebel when I leave them alone for longer than a work-day.  It has been good for them for me to be around more, and I think that now that summer is over, I will be home more often in the evenings.

Now that I live closer to my parents, I am doing a lot more of going over for a few hours and then coming home around 7:00 or 8:00.  That seems to work better than when I was at the old house, not being able to stand hanging out there, and being gone from 7:00am to 9:00pm, and then going straight to bed.  They hated that, and so did I.

I am really enjoying being back to blogging and am trying to find a few more blogs to follow.  I enjoy reading about other people’s lives, their struggles, their dreams.  Reading another person’s words can be so inspiring and uplifting, and can also remind you of where you came from and why you aren’t going back.  I hope my blog does that for a few people, and even if not, I enjoy doing it just for myself.

Cheers to Thursday…it’s almost the weekend!

Sheryl Crow, Soak up the Sun

Cure for Self-Loathing

Sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking that everyone hates me, because I am soooo unlikeable.  Recent evidence has come to light that most people actually don’t hate me, and that my perception of other people’s actions or non-actions often don’t have anything to do with me.  The amount of assistance, love, and thoughtfulness I am receiving from others in my life right now makes it really difficult for me to keep up with my personal belief that I am an unlikeable piece of shit.  Go figure.

I went over to the new house yesterday to find some beautiful floors.  QoB and Frog Queen have really been working hard!  I can’t believe how good they look!  I was cussing up a storm, so happy!  Isn’t that weird to cuss up a storm when you’re happy and excited?  Yeah, maybe.  I think I come by it honestly, though.  🙂

I had some much-needed relaxation last night, hanging out with my step-sister and brother-in-law.  We had a little Mexican fiesta, complete with margaritas.  Woot woot!  It was really nice to hang out with them because, between our schedules, we don’t see a lot of each other.  And it was nice to do something fun and relaxing.  Looking forward to more of that in the future!  Just gotta get moved, now!

So I’ve really been working hard with the dogs on their separation anxiety and overall anxiety.  I have been giving them bones, which, amazingly enough, Kizzie has not been burying!  That’s why I hadn’t been giving bones for so long, but it turns out that Kizzie has turned over a new leaf and is actually enjoying them  now, rather than letting them rot in the ground and then digging them up six months later, all disgusting and wormy.  Let’s just say that isn’t something you really want in your house.  Yuck!

My plans for today are to bring some boxes of stuff over to the new house, sort through a bunch of clothes and donate them (or at least get them in the car so I can drop them off tomorrow), and then vacuum the house I am living in now.  It has gotten pretty dirty.  Not disgusting, just lots of dirt and leaves and bamboo that the dogs have tracked in.  I am hopeful that it won’t be such a problem at the new house, because the area that will be fenced will be much more manageable to keep cleaned up and free of yard debris (much smaller).

My stress level has been slowly lowering over the past few days.  I know I had my little breakdown on Friday, but overall it has been better.  I had realized that I was only getting about six hours average of sleep over the past year (there’s a counter on my CPAP), and I had thought I was getting much more.  Now I am taking care to go to bed a little bit earlier and sleep in a little later.  I feel better already!!

Today is St. Ignatius Loyala’s feast day, so Dad and I are going to mass this evening to celebrate.  Dad says we can call him Iggy, since he was a Jesuit and I went to a Jesuit college.  Not so sure about that, but it will be nice to get back to church.  I have missed the last few weeks due to the hectic schedule of moving and I have really missed it.  Need to figure out here within the next month where I am going to RCIA classes.  There are a few more churches I want to check out, but my heart is already pretty set on one that I have already been to.  We shall see, though.

A tribute to QoB and Frog Queen:

Barenaked Ladies, If I Had $100,000,000


The Fall of Anxiety

This has been a very interesting weekend, to say the least.  I am happy to say that I made it through with my sanity intact and now only have to sleep and it’s back to work again.  Oh yay!

Mom and I had a nice Friday afternoon/evening together, and it was nice because we haven’t had lots of time lately to just hang out the two of us.  Things have been busy, between the houses and the parents’ businesses and the day-to-day grind.  It was great to kick back and talk about stuff that didn’t pertain to some grand emergency or some mission that had to be accomplished.

I was somewhat in angst on Friday, or rather quite a bit, contemplating the fact that Dr. Love wanted to go to the country bar to dance that evening, having been invited by a girl from his work who I KNOW is interested in him.  She texts him all day and talks about how wonderful and genius-like and nice and silly he is.  Well, yes, he is all those things; however, get your 23 year old mitten-knittin’ paws off him.  Dr. Love doesn’t have a clue.

We ended up not going — Dr. Love decided he was too tired from working 10 hours Friday and then the inevitability of another 12 hours the next day.  I was game to go, show this girl that I was raised better than she was (to be hitting on someone she knows has a serious girlfriend).  It wasn’t in the cards.  In the end, I’m glad we didn’t go because I’m tired too and a loud country bar where all the 20-something hipsters go to dance isn’t really my idea of a good time.

Saturday started out fairly normally.  I had therapy with GoM and it went well, as it generally does.  Other than almost getting killed on the way up there by rabid football fans with poor driving skills, it was a good few hours.  I came home, grabbed quarters, and went and cleaned out my car.  It really needed it.  Like, bad.  I even found a few petrified french fries and cheetos.  How yum.

When I finished at the car wash, I went to the auto parts store and bought some cleaning supplies and came home and cleaned out in the driveway for about two hours.  Unbeknownst to me, my worst nightmare had been playing out since early that morning.

Kizzie ran away that Saturday, sometime after I left for therapy at 9:00 but before 10:00, because that’s when the first report came into Animal Control.  I ended up figuring out she was gone around 2:00 p.m., when I came in from cleaning my car.  I looked in every closet, under the bed, in the backyard.  She was nowhere to be found.

Inside I was panicking but I knew I had to stay calm if I wanted to make it through this on my own (everyone else was working).  I came inside and Googled the local animal shelter and, lo and behold, they had Kizzie.  The Animal Control officer even met me over at the shelter to give me my ticket.

The shelter is an absolutely awful and depressing place.  I am not saying that they don’t do great things by saving dogs, but it’s not a place I would ever choose to visit and certainly not a place I want my dog to be in.  After paying $20 for a “boarding” fee and receiving a $65 ticket for a dog at large, plus transportation and court costs, Kizzie and I literally ran out the door into the safety of my car.

She was totally freaked out and so was I.  I managed to drive back across town somehow and immediately took her into the bathroom and scrubbed her down.  In addition to being in the shelter with God-knows-what germs and vermin, she had taken the time while she was out to roll in dog doo.  Lovely.

I blocked the bottom of the gate where I think she got out at, and closed the doggie door so she couldn’t go out.  The tags she had on her were worthless — they had the address and phone number of our old house.  In a heartwarming note, my neighbors that found her (she was found one block to the West, the opposite direction of the very busy street we livie next to) tried calling that number and even drove by the old house to see if we were home.  That is why I still have faith in people, for acts of kindness like that.

I was pretty much an exhausted wreck once I finished giving Kizz her bath.  I sat in front of the computer, not really seeing, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes.  I was able to talk to QoB and Big Dog and regale them with my saga.  That was nice, because that adrenaline was really rolling through my veins.  That motivated me enough to cook myself dinner and go downstairs for a movie, and talk to QoB again, and then finally Dr. Love was home.

So I survived my greatest fear — Kizzie running away.  I did without a total emotional meltdown and I am getting close to feeling back to normal, 24 hours later.  It helps that my lovely stepsister and her beautiful new baby came and distracted me this afternoon.  I cooked everyone stir-fry and egg rolls while Dr. Love did a bunch of things on the house because Sara’s oldest was on his computer.

Kizzer Wizzer

I want to say thank you and I love you to whoever found my Kizzer dog and took her to a safe place.  My world would not be the same without her.

Karma begets kismet.  Or is it kismet begets karma.  I’m not really sure, but I know they go hand in hand.

Ben Harper, Steal My Kisses

Spreading the Plague

I’m on day five of feeling like crap.  I feel okay when I wake up, but once I start moving around, I get throbbing headaches and feel nauseous all day.  It’s really getting on my nerves and making me feel grumpy.  Dr. Love has been sick, as well, but seems to be feeling better other than a constantly running nose.  Now I just can’t wait to catch the cold that he’s had, and maybe if he’s lucky, he can avoid this stomach bug.

I got up early this morning and cleaned up the house, did some laundry.  I like getting up early, getting some things done, but I generally pay for it later with the lack of sleep.  I think all the sleep I’ve had this week has my tank on at least half-full.  I am sleeping when I get home from work, then going to bed again around 9:00 p.m.  I did, however, stay up a little bit later last night because I was watching the train wreck that is this new show on TLC.  I don’t even remember what it is called, but it’s about “strange obsessessions.”  One of the girls ate chalk, the other was addicted to tanning.  Um, yeah.  Strange.

All is well at work, although I don’t feel like I have really been in the groove this week, due to not feeling well.  It seems like there is a tension in the air in my office, but that’s probably in my head because I don’t feel like really interacting with anyone.  I think my office-mates are leaving me alone because they know I don’t feel well.  At least I am getting my work done and will hopefully be back to my chipper and friendly self here soon.  I think a little bit of my perception of tension at the office has to do with missing work on Monday and leaving early on Tuesday.  Don’t wanna get in trouble, don’t think I am in trouble, but I worry about it all the same.  I have a pretty supportive supervisor and no one really wants me there if I’m sick.

I have an appointment with the pdoc this a.m.  I don’t have much to report to her, other than my new diet and getting on the CPAP.  Likely will just get some refills and get out of there quick, that’s what I’m hoping.  Also hope I don’t get a lecture about quitting DBT, but it’s something I am willing to discuss, just not something I am willing to do again at this point.

Poor Kizzer has really been feeling the effects of Dr. Love and I sleeping our lives away and being sick.  Dr. Love was convinced yesterday that she was sick, too, because she was really lethargic and wimpy.  I told him that he needed to treat her like a dog and she was fine, she just needed some love and attention.  I took her with me when I went to pick up my step-mom from her haircut and then stayed awake all evening, which seemed to help rejuvenate her little doggie spirits.  Other than the ridiculous thunder and lightning, I think she had a pretty good night.

So the diet continues to go well, especially with this whole nausea thing…hahah.  I am finding that I can tolerate my shakes and some soup for dinner, but that’s about it.  Dr. Love keeps saying that he can tell that I am losing, and that support makes me feel even more motivated.  I do think I’m going to have quite a bit of droopy skin, however, and need to start exercising.  I have been parking further and further away from the entrance to my office and have been trying to walk back and forth between compounds when I need to get somewhere, but have not been able to really do that this week, as I feel I am getting ready to die when I even move.

The Ramones, I Wanna Be Sedated

Dear Weekend of Mine

Just when I thought I was going to catch a break, a at work, all hell breaks loose…again…and the race is on…again.  I really did think I had this case I am working on all summed up, but I think it’s that attitude that jinxed me, and now I’m starting over from square one.  Nothing I did, not my fault, but still…argh!  Let’s just say that, when you step out for 30 minutes to chainsmoke get some fresh air and clear your head, and they STILL call you on your cell phone, and have security trying to track you down, there are issues. 

But that’s ok, because I only have today, and then there’s the weekend.  The beauty of working at the prison is that, after the day is done, there’s not a lot to fret about because, let’s face it, they’re still locked up and it really becomes not-my-problem. 

Dr. Love worked on the rock patio last night.  It’s not completely done, but it will need to be before tonight, save from putting in the polymer sand.  That’s per the Big Dog, who let me know in no uncertain terms that we were going to have hard rains this weekend and all of that work would be for naught if the few stones left did not get laid and sand put between the cracks.  I’m tempted to wake Dr. Love up to inform him of such, but I think I’ll just call him constantly starting at 9:00 a.m. until he wakes up, answers the phone, and gets to hear all about it.

Kizzer Wizzer finally had her bath last night.  I really don’t know how she gets so dirty, other than perhaps rolling in dirt/mud/sand/grass all of the time and jumping in QoB and Big Dog’s pond anytime she gets the chance.  She is looking much better and seems to be less itchy.  Giving her a bath used to be a huge T/D for me, but now Dr. Love helps and she is very calm.  I think it’s because he watches the Dog Whisperer all the time, really do.  She has turned from an all-the-time rebellious dog into a dog that is somewhat manageable, as long as Dr. Love is around.  Really, she even acts better with me, but she’ll do anything (almost anything) for him.

We don’t have any big weekend plans and I would like to keep it that way.  My dad wants me to go by and feed his cat because they will be out of town on Friday and Saturday.  My thinking — it’s a friggin’ cat…put down some extra food and move on!  I still need to call him back and let him know my thought-process on that, however, and hopefully he doesn’t learn of my feelings by reading this during the morning hours today.  Hi, Dad!  🙂

Other than doing some family visiting, namely drinking mojitos and daquiris in the backyard at QoB’s, I plan to not do much this weekend other than rest.  The past few weeks at work have been really stressful and draining, and we have also stayed really busy on the weeknights.  I think it’s time to take a hint from my dear buddy buddy from high school, Adriana @ From KS to PA (a lady who sometimes does not take her own advice) 😉 and sit on my butt a little bit.

DVR-list, here I come!

Working for the Weekend, Loverboy

A.M. Musings

I hit a brick wall last night.  Not literally, but the T/D of the last few weeks at work, plus not sleeping well, had me beat.  I don’t usually come home and drop dead, but last night I came home and almost immediately fell asleep.  My plan was to just lie down for a minute and close my eyes — staring at a computer screen all day, something I’ve never had to do in a job before but now do to the nth degree, really kills my baby blues.  So, I ended up falling asleep.  Surprisingly, I did get a bit of sleep last night as well, so I’m feeling fairly refreshed.  Could be that pot of coffee that created that, however.

Last night Dr. Love went (without me, as I was really snoozing) to Home Depot and bought sand.  Sand, oh glorious sand, for the rock patio, so it can be finished off.  We plan on laying the rest of it tonight.  The next step is to buy oh-so-expensive polymer sand that goes between the cracks, then is wetted and dries into a kind of hardened cement.  He also picked up the stand for my fire pit from QoB…just one step closer to starting fires and drinking margaritas right in my own backyard!

As follow-up to yesterday’s blog, Kizzer Wizzer is feeling better, I think.  She is not itching and scratching and biting so much, but she still is to a greater degree than I would like.  It’s been 48 hours now since I put flea/tick stuff on her, so she will be getting a bath tonight, like it or not.  I am just crossing my fingers that I still have some doggy shampoo and that Dr. Love will be up to helping with that task after laying the patio. 

I have really been slacking, as I’d mentioned before, about reading and commenting on blogs that I follow lately.  I’ve been doing all of my blogging in the morning, and then don’t have time to read any.  Then, when I get home from work, I don’t want to sit and stare at a computer, not to mention the fact that most days I’m kind of brain-dead at the end of the day and would much rather be outside on the porch, running around town, or visiting at QoB’s.  I need to figure out a way to get it into my schedule, though, because I miss keeping up on how everyone is doing!

About a year ago, Big Dog recommended a movie, Broken Bridges, for me to watch, which is oh-so-rare, because it is usually the other way around.  I don’t know if it was made for TV, but it has been running a lot lately on CMT and, since we have a DVR, I finally found an airing to record.  It’s sitting on my DVR list, just waiting for me to watch it.  I’m hoping I’ll get around to it this weekend.  QoB burned me the soundtrack right after Big Dog had watched it last year, and it’s amazing

I find this song particularly inspiring and totally “me.”  LOVE IT!

Broken, Lindsey Haun from the movie Broken Bridges

Scratchin' the Kizzer

Had an awesome Labor Day weekend.  So awesome, in fact, that I didn’t have one spare second to blog, because I was just so involved in the gloriousness of it all.  We visited all parents, went to a shrimp fry, and hosted a BBQ, where I made the most amazing BBQ’d chicken and, with the help of QoB and Big Dog, nearly finished the rock patio.  Absolute gloriousness.  🙂

Things have really been clicking along for me at work.  I’ve been working non-stop on a really difficult case and, after about one week with working on nothing else, running around like a crazy woman, phone and email blowing up all day long, I have it all wrapped up in a pretty package.  The powers-that-be are super-happy with that, going up as far as Regional and DOC higher-ups.  That’s right, I’m the bomb.  Bonus — I still love my job!

In other news, Kizzer is recovering from some very severe insect bites and a huge batch of stickers (from camping) stuck to a very sensitive spot.  She has been itching like CRAZY the last few days and I just could not figure out what was wrong.  I put flea/tick stuff on her yesterday morning, and when I came home, it seemed like she had gotten progressively worse.  There was nothing I could do to ease her pain, short of giving her some good luvin’ scratches where it seemed to itch.  To make matters worse, she has very sensitive skin, so any little thing really makes her have problems.  So I was lying in bed and Kizzer was making all sorts of horrible noises, biting herself and whatnot.  I flipped her on her back to take a look at her belly…and found a huge mat of stickers right on her hoo-hoo.  Poor doggy!!  The whole area had been licked/bitten raw, to the point it was bloody.  I felt like such a neglectful parent, but I called Dr. Love into the room and he removed them and I rubbed some hydrocortisone cream on her.

I really think, as well as staying current with flea/tick and being more mindful of if she has stickers or not, I need to switch dog foods.  I really don’t think her skin is as healthy as it could be.  Right now I feed Science Diet Sensitive Skin and QoB, a long-time Science Diet user, has recently switched.  I don’t remember what to, but my sister has also switched.  Apparently Science Diet is not the bomb that it was made out to be — that, and it’s hella expensive.  I still have a bunch of Science Diet left, but I’m thinking that maybe I should start weaning her off of it and put her on something else, since she is having such problems.  I don’t want to go through any more guilt and trauma brought on by my doggie’s itchy skin.  And I’m sure she doesn’t either.

Quick shout-out to my momma, QoB, aka QueenOfDaNile — check out her new gravatar…I’m way jealous!  It’s about time I updated mine, so I’m thinking of possibilities to sum myself up.  Suggestions are welcome.  🙂

It’s a Dog’s Life, Kirk Olsen