Another Day, Another Monkey Wrench, Solutions Welcome! (gibberish and rambling are included!)


I am not sure why I can’t seem to remember that I am absolutely powerless to control pretty much anything, especially the whim and will of other people or the weird Kansas weather or (to a degree) how my body will react (generally dramatically, whichever the direction) to a big medication adjustment or how my frizzy-ish hair is going to handle the day’s vacillation in humidity.

Here we are, another week has gone by, there have been ups and downs, but I am surviving, and am in fact surviving in somewhat decent humor.  A bit over a week ago, things were getting a bit too roller-coasterish with my mood, and my Seroquel was increased (for the second time this month) and I really thought that was not going to affect things (overall), too much.  I was, of course, terribly wrong and while it has given me moments of extreme grogginess, the really irritating thing is that I am just extremely hungry at all times, no matter what I have just eaten or what else I have done that day.  In addition, the sugar/carb cravings are back and I really do put a lot of that on the Seroquel.

Some of it is me, though — me not handling anxiety well, me not handing “change” well, me just reverting to slacker (eating) ways.  The other problem the past week or so has been that I have not been able to do my normal exercise routine, partly because of bad knees, but mostly because of serious toe infection (both big toes) and extreme ingrown toenails.  My primary care, thankfully, decided that now was the time to pull both toenails.  They  have actually been giving me trouble for years, so in a sense, I am happy to start over with a fresh nail bed, but it was quite painful and remains a bit more than slightly painful, the dressings are not easy to change, and I have had to back off of my daily trips to the pool to do aqua aerobics.

I am on Day One of no exercise, and one would think I would be faring better, especially considering years and years of slackerdom and the past year in which I barely moved from the couch.  No lie, however, I am going quite stir crazy and have been bouncing from project to project to project.  Nothing is satisfying the itchiness inside my brain, and to keep that itchiness company, my stomach is constantly complaining that it be filled.  It is a miracle that I am not hugely over-eating my plan calories allotment, but the desire is definitely there.

I am going to have to figure out some more creative ways of telling my cycling brain to shush, of telling my growling tummy that it is not in fact starving, of settling the  feeling in my legs of wanting to bounce around, and so forth.  I am employing all of the usual remedies, like chair exercises, doing new crafts, working on special projects for others, reading, talking Kizzie and Lucy’s ears off, browsing the internet, trying to organize different spaces.  I think I need something totally different, and I have thought about it all day and decided that maybe YOU have the suggestion that I am needing.

So please, do tell, what amuses you when you feel similarly?  I am pretty open to suggestions, provided it includes nothing illegal, smoking cigarettes, or imbibing in any kind of mood-altering substance.  Let’s hear it!

Lingering Brain Fog

I have been off in LaLa Land all week and I really think it is how I am coping with the unreal stressors in my life right now.  I don’t do this often, but right now I can’t focus on anything;  I can’t hold up my end of a conversation;  everything I read runs in one ear and out the other; and forget about following any kind of instructions, whether it be a recipe or for driving somewhere.  I just feel lost and like I don’t know how to get back in touch with reality.  And deep down, I’m not sure I want to be in touch with the reality that is now.

I had been on a run of non-stop, every-day blog posting for over a month and then, all of a sudden, I just couldn’t bring myself to sit down and write, for even a few minutes.  I stopped blogging, I stopped journaling, I stopped keeping up with other blogs, I stopped keeping up with my online friends.  I just quit everything all at once.

I also stopped keeping my planner up-to-date, with tasks to do each day.  I’ve been rolling around aimlessly, just doing things as I see they need to be done, and a lot of time saying, “I feel like shit.  I’m  not doing anything today.”  I don’t think this is depression yet, more like ambivalence moving into apathy.  I don’t want to let it get into depression, so I know that I need to start doing what works for me to ward it off.

I wrote in my planner last night, a list of things for me to accomplish today.  It’s not an overly ambitious list, but it should keep me busy.  I’ve been working on laundry already while I’ve been trying to catch up on blogs and do a little blogging myself.  I’m also going to get the kitchen cleaned up, maybe clean bathrooms, and get a nice dinner set out for DSB.

It doesn’t sound like a lot, but compared to what I have been doing the past few days, it really is.  I have just felt so overwhelmed and have felt like there was no where I could let it all out.  Now here I am, back at my blog, and I know I can let it out here.  All of the times I sat down to write in the last several days fade away, days where I couldn’t make the words work.  They may not be super-coherent, but there they are, words on the screen.  And that makes me happy.

And right now, I really think I need to do a lot more of what makes me happy.  A guy I admire very much, Bradley, put out his response to an article he had read about “The Biggest Lessons I’ve Learned in Managing My Bipolar Disorder.”  Go to his page, read his answers, and look at the original article.  That blog post couldn’t have come at a better time for me.  I know those lessons, but I have not been following them.

It’s time to start doing better at managing my bipolar, rather than forgetting I have it and skipping out on all of the things I know help me to stay well.  I am not ready to go down the path of depression, and I know it will take some hard work to reverse the direction I am headed now.  There’s nothing quite like having bipolar disorder and being in denial, now is there?  😀

Complaints and Possible Regret

The past few weeks have been both amazing and trying.  I have found that I have much less anxiety with being in a different office than my supervisor, and she supervising me from a distance.  What is clear, however, is that she clearly feels wronged that I went to her supervisor with my concerns, and she now does not give a damn about what I do to an extent.  What is also clear is that I really need to mind my “P’s and Q’s,” because she is a vengeful person and I have no doubt that she will throw me  under the bus at any moment.

So, the anxiety is still there.  She is basically ignoring me, which I suppose is fine, but it makes for very uncomfortable exchanges between the two of us.  Or, rather, very uncomfortable when I attempt to tell her anything and she ignores me.  It doesn’t seem to matter what I say, her answer is “Ok.”  Nothing more than an “ok.”  Well whatever.  I wish I didn’t care so much, but I do.  This is painful.

To some degree, I regret going to her supervisor because it has made her swing her attitude even further against me, but at least now I have my own office and am not stuck in that hell-hole with her and my other two negative co-workers.  I trust about 1.5 people in the whole facility, and a few at Central Office.  It is difficult not to have a go-to person when I am having a problem, because I sure don’t feel like I can bring anything to my direct supervisor and she has discouraged me from contacting anyone else.  In a way it is still a very negative work experience, and I guess I should just get a thicker skin, and realize that there will be no pleasing her, no returning to the easy relationship that we once shared.  In some ways, I am grieving that loss and dealing with my own issues about wanting to please everyone.  I just don’t understand why people (myself and her included) can’t just get along.  I really don’t.

In other crap news, my Grandma died yesterday.  It hasn’t fully hit me yet, but I know it will.  Right now, I am just feeling guilty because I haven’t seen her since this past Spring, even though we live in the same town.  After my Grandpa died in 2004, it was all I could to to bring myself to visit Grandma.  I was so angry at her for such a long time and then felt nothing toward her.  No sense of obligation, no sense of love, nothing.  As QoB said last night, her death is somewhat the loss of what could-have-been.  That desire for acceptance never faded, but it seems that I lost that from her a long time ago.  Now, there is no going back and trying again.  In some ways I care about that, in some ways I don’t (at least not right at the moment).  I think what I am struggling with most right now is my complete ambivalence about her death.  It’s difficult to think that I cared so little that I don’t have an opinion or a feeling about her passing.

The Wallflowers, I Wish I Felt Nothing