Because That Phrase Doesn’t Work

buck up

Although I have heard this one often, sometimes in jest, some other more PC versions include “Can’t You Just Get it Together?” OR “Just Pull Yourself Back into the Saddle” OR “Get Your Shit Straight!”

For everyone’s information, Rosa is working very hard at getting her shit straight, at “bucking up,” if you will.  The problem, when you are also dealing with a mental illness, in addition to serious life stress — it may just not be so simple.

When Rosa stays at home all day, relaxing, chatting with friends on the Internet, reading blogs, reading on the Kindle, playing with the Kizzer dog, this is how she recharges.  Because people.  Well, people.  What can I say, being around people, it just drains the life right out of me.

The most current issue of the “just buck up” phrase comes from the fact that Rosa and her bipolarity have driven away oh-so-many people, and she finds herself with only a very few close friends and family members that she can rely on.  This means that, out of four people, there might not be someone to call at midnight, or five in the morning, or what have you.  With more resources, it might be easier.  I’d like to think it would be.

I have a stepsister and a best friend from grade school.  Both live close, both have kids and husbands.  In the past, they would always make time for me, but I guess I have worn them out.  The ups and downs of bipolar disorder, the cancelling meetings, the crying on the phone, my insistent attempts to get them to talk to me, perhaps me just seeming too desperate.  It is clear they have given up on me.  No, it’s really not in my head.  Other people see it too.

And there’s the question of my stepmom, who should love and care for me, at least in some small way, for the simple fact that she loves my dad.  Well, this is not the case.  She let it slip a couple weeks ago that she is “completely  unsympathetic to the mentally ill.”  What the FUCK would give you an idea to say that to me of all people.  She complained about people getting hospitalized, of which I actually  have twice and have thought about even more.  She had nothing good to say about a person with a mental illness — not even me.

And it occured to me — this woman does not love me, she does not respect me, and in fact she sees me as a burden on my father’s time.  She has actually said those words — burden on my father’s time.  No doubt that she can go up once a week to see my sister and spend 12 hours up there, or spend money and time on her daughter.  I am that red-headed step-child that no one wants around.  Save for Dad.

So after much introspection, I am left mainly with anger.  Anger for these people abandoning me in my life, when I could have used them most.  My dad came by last night and I cursed and yelled and cried and, while I think it was overwhelming for him, I think he needed to hear it.

He cried, because, well, this shit is sad.  The people I thought I could depend on are not there, and the list of people that I CAN depend on shrinks by the moment.  On my part, there will be no more contacting these people.  They have my number, my email, my web address, my home address.  They can figure out how to find me.

So here I am, at the end of the day, and I am done.done.done. with a large group of people.  I am not going to subject myself to heartache anymore, just as I suppose they wouldn’t themselves.

Remember this?


Lingering Brain Fog

I have been off in LaLa Land all week and I really think it is how I am coping with the unreal stressors in my life right now.  I don’t do this often, but right now I can’t focus on anything;  I can’t hold up my end of a conversation;  everything I read runs in one ear and out the other; and forget about following any kind of instructions, whether it be a recipe or for driving somewhere.  I just feel lost and like I don’t know how to get back in touch with reality.  And deep down, I’m not sure I want to be in touch with the reality that is now.

I had been on a run of non-stop, every-day blog posting for over a month and then, all of a sudden, I just couldn’t bring myself to sit down and write, for even a few minutes.  I stopped blogging, I stopped journaling, I stopped keeping up with other blogs, I stopped keeping up with my online friends.  I just quit everything all at once.

I also stopped keeping my planner up-to-date, with tasks to do each day.  I’ve been rolling around aimlessly, just doing things as I see they need to be done, and a lot of time saying, “I feel like shit.  I’m  not doing anything today.”  I don’t think this is depression yet, more like ambivalence moving into apathy.  I don’t want to let it get into depression, so I know that I need to start doing what works for me to ward it off.

I wrote in my planner last night, a list of things for me to accomplish today.  It’s not an overly ambitious list, but it should keep me busy.  I’ve been working on laundry already while I’ve been trying to catch up on blogs and do a little blogging myself.  I’m also going to get the kitchen cleaned up, maybe clean bathrooms, and get a nice dinner set out for DSB.

It doesn’t sound like a lot, but compared to what I have been doing the past few days, it really is.  I have just felt so overwhelmed and have felt like there was no where I could let it all out.  Now here I am, back at my blog, and I know I can let it out here.  All of the times I sat down to write in the last several days fade away, days where I couldn’t make the words work.  They may not be super-coherent, but there they are, words on the screen.  And that makes me happy.

And right now, I really think I need to do a lot more of what makes me happy.  A guy I admire very much, Bradley, put out his response to an article he had read about “The Biggest Lessons I’ve Learned in Managing My Bipolar Disorder.”  Go to his page, read his answers, and look at the original article.  That blog post couldn’t have come at a better time for me.  I know those lessons, but I have not been following them.

It’s time to start doing better at managing my bipolar, rather than forgetting I have it and skipping out on all of the things I know help me to stay well.  I am not ready to go down the path of depression, and I know it will take some hard work to reverse the direction I am headed now.  There’s nothing quite like having bipolar disorder and being in denial, now is there?  😀

What I Need

I realized yesterday that I haven’t done a single mindfulness exercise since I moved into this new house.  Additionally, it seems I have stopped practicing mindfulness all together, here within the past however long.  At least that’s what it feels like.

I have started to notice that I am having a lot of intrusive and obsessive thoughts.  They spiral, they go out of control, they so go there.  And then back again.  And then there.  I have become stuck inside of my own brain.  There is a part of me that wants to get out, and a part of me that would rather just stay there.

I have been doing some evaluating of my health here in the last month or so.  I feel like shit.  My weight has gotten to the point that it is keeping me from doing things I once enjoyed, and also keeping me from things necessary to function.  It’s not pretty.

I am considering Lap-Band surgery.  I have had a weight problem since I was young, and have tried to control that problem since I was in my mid-teens.  I go up and down, up and down.  Off and on Weight Watchers, trying low-carb, joining a gym, buying a Bowflex, taking diet pills, exercising into pain and then relapsing on food.  Nothing has given me the results I desire.  And I don’t desire to be thin.  I just want to be able to function again.  I want to have energy and I want to be healthy for years to come.

It has been quite an experience for me, reading all of the forums and literature about Lap-Band.  It is anxiety-provoking, because I wonder if I can do it, and it is exciting because it is a new possibility.  I would have to radically change how I eat and live.  I would have to do that anyway in order to lose any weight.

If I don’t want to end up dead at 35, I will have to radically change my eating and exercise patterns, whether I get a Lap-Band or not.  I question if I can do it.  I wonder if my overall life pattern of apathy toward improving my health can change.  I am asking the question and not getting an answer.

I am going to a seminar on Saturday about the procedure.  Hopefully that will help me decide if this is something I want to do and something I think I can do.  I want to be sure.  This is serious.

If this blog seems forced, that’s because it is.

Sometimes, I have to practice a little opposite-to-emotion to get through all that willfulness I have churning inside me.