Happy Six-Month Birthday, Little Nephew

O —

You turned six months old yesterday and, even though it is cliched, wowza has the time flown!

Perhaps my most dear and precious memory of you is holding you the day after you were born.  You were so tiny, so perfect, and you slept quietly in my arms.  You, in fact, slept for so long that my arm fell asleep from holding you in position and your Grandma had to come rescue you before I dropped you on the floor.

I had not felt as much happiness as I did on that day before or ever since.  The second other happiest time was your mom and dad getting married.  I can still get teary about that.  Your mom, my sister, has brought so much joy into my world just by being herself and living her life, I don’t think she even realizes it.

Your mom keeps me updated with pictures and each one brings about in me an intense longing to be where  you are, wherever you are.  It breaks my heart now, that I haven’t been there for more of those memories.  You’re eating squash and you have your first tooth.  I can see in pictures that you’re going to be crawling any moment.

I think you don’t realize how fast a baby will grow.  Your mom even has you on a sort-of schedule now, and I think she is getting tiny bits of rest here and there.  You know her, though — there is always more she wants to be doing.  She has hit the trail of parenthood running, and I knew it wouldn’t be any other way.

I know you don’t realize it yet, but you are growing up in a great family of love.  Oh, there are so many people that love you, Mr. O.  It kills your grandma that she hasn’t been able to make it back for a couple of months and this whole time I have been sick, one of the main things I think of is that I need to get  better so I can come see you.  And you also have other grandparents, and aunts, and cousins.  They all love you so much and can’t wait to see you more often.

It isn’t easy taking care of a baby, or so it seems, but I want you to know that your mom is doing a bang-up job.  I  have never seen someone more coordinated, more competent, with so much love for you.  No matter what, you’ll always have your mom.  When  you get old enough, make sure she gets the edible peanut butter play dough recipe from Grandma.  There is nothing better.

I write this with tears in my eyes: because I am so happy you are a baby in existence on this Earth, that I can lay special Auntie Rose claim to, and because I wish circumstances were different and I got to see you grow up more.  Just know, Auntie Rose will always be there for you, no matter the time, the day, the event.  I will do my best to be a good aunt for you, Mr. O.  I love you dearly.

Love

Auntie Rose

xoxoxoxo

I Covet No More

The Daily Prompt today is:  We all get jealous from time to time — what wakes the green-eyed monster for you?

covet:

to desire (what belongs to another) inordinately or culpably

I love words.  I love to say words, type words, read words, and I especially like to spell words.  When I read the daily prompt, it refers to jealousy.  I immediately broke that down to covet.  One of my favorite words.  Coveting leads to jealousy, coveting could really be called jealousy.  

If we think of the phrase “what belongs” in the above definition, and made “what” into something that could be material or immaterial, it clearly leads that there can be no jealousy without coveting.  At least that’s how I see it, and how I’ll use the words for the remainder of the post.

I’m not an especially jealous person.  I don’t really care when DSB flirts with the nurses at wound care clinic, I don’t find myself checking out other people’s expensive belongings with a little green in my eyes, and I don’t GENERALLY envy other people their material possessions (or, immaterial things, like grace, charm, social status, looks, body type, what have you).  I don’t even envy or covet other people’s good mental health.

I’ve brought this up before, and I’ll bring it up again.  What I have coveted for so long, what has made me so jealous is young (and older) people getting married and having babies.  I have so badly wanted those things.  In keeping with the post, I would say I have  COVETED those things.

For someone who cannot have those things, this makes the coveting of such all the more painful.  I see it.  I want it.  I know I can’t ever have it.  I still want it but it will never happen.  Really and truly, under no circumstances can it happen.  It just wasn’t meant to be.

Telling yourself, as you’re holding a newborn baby or sitting at a wedding, that you can’t have these things, destroys a part of you.  That jealousy and envy and coveting eats you alive, when you’re right there in the thick of it.  I used to spend hours and hours crying as I looked at Facebook of pictures of babies and of my friends’ weddings.

I had several bad moments when my sister was pregnant, that I was just so outrageously jealous, I couldn’t stand myself.  I would have killed to be in her shoes, to be doing what she was doing.  It tore me to pieces.  My sister having a baby solidified things for me:  I would never be doing that.

I’ve come a long way since then, and what I would say now is that I don’t covet having a baby, per-say.  I covet TIME with my nephew.  I covet daily photos and videos and chats with my sister.  I am fulfilling my now (mostly) silenced desire to have my own child, by living vicariously through my sister.  I am Auntie Rose and I have never been more proud or awestruck as when I am in that little guy’s presence.

As for the other part.  The marriage part.  I think it might not be all its cracked up to be.  I can’t marry DSB, and don’t think I would even if I could.  If I were to find another guy and he wanted to get married, I don’t know if I would want to (or if I even could).  It’s complicated, but at the same time it’s not.

Am I jealous of love?  Like the real love I see between my parents, or the real love I see between my dad and his wife?  I wouldn’t say jealousy is the right word.  And I know I don’t covet it.  It might be nice someday, but I don’t know that those kind of loves come around for everyone.

And so there is no more jealousy, no more coveting about marriage and having babies.  I’ll be Auntie Rose, but I sure won’t be having any babies, and I think I’ve come to a place where I’m finally good with that.  Maybe my sister will have a few more and I can move in next door and play “the fun babysitter.”  😀

What Six Years Taught Me About My Past

Six years ago today (according to my WordPress QuoteBox thingie), I registered RosieSmrtiePants as my very first (and hopefully only) blog.  I didn’t know the exact date, but I knew it was creeping up.  So, blogging since 2008.  What’s that like?

Well, it’s really pretty anticlimactic.  I would like to sit down at some point and read RosieSmrtiePants telling it like it is for the last 400+ posts.  I’m trying to decide at this point, however, if that would be a joyful experience, or if it would just dredge up old crap that is better left un-dredged.

Yes, I do use my blog as a way to go back in time and see what worked and what didn’t, to remind myself of certain things, and I would like to think there is something to be learned in every single blog entry, but let’s be honest here…I’m scared.  My past used to be a big, huge scary thing that loomed behind me, kind of like a big bloated cloud loaded with acid rain, that I would look over my shoulder at, and run even faster toward whatever my goal-of-the-moment was.

It’s not like that anymore, exactly, mostly due to the passage of time, skills used, productive therapy sessions, and the support of my A-team.  But it’s still scary.  It just doesn’t loom anymore.  It’s on the ground, not up high, getting ready to topple down on me.  It’s smaller and more manageable, but still kinda scary, maybe sort of like a mildly rabid squirrel or a slow-moving zombie.  Ya know, it’s not a real threat, but it still kind of gives you the heebie jeebies.  It’s like that.

But still, this blog is a tool.  Whether or not I choose to look back, I think I’m going to put off that decision for now.  There are actually a lot of big decisions that I’m going to just ride out for now.  I’m gonna concentrate on more in-my-face issues like quitting smoking and being a new auntie and getting back into DBT again.  Because right now, here in this moment, those are the things that make me  happy and healthy, mentally and physically.  Isn’t that what life’s all about?