Life in Waves

I didn’t publish anything last night for the first time in awhile because, I dunno, I wanted to not think about anything.  Kizzie and I watched the new episode of Grimm and then I went to bed for a fitful night’s sleep.  I just can’t stop thinking.

Life is coming in waves right now.  I feel sad and confused.  I feel angry and resentful.  I feel relieved and happy.  I feel like I’m feeling too much sometimes.  I don’t miss drinking, but part of me wishes I still did so I could just blot out the next few weeks or so while I get used to being alone.

I started the day on a rough note.  French vanilla creamer in hot coffee.  It’s gotta go.  It reminds me too much of our coffee mornings, back when we actually had them.  When things felt okay.  I think I’ll go back to doing it like I did before, and drink it cold.  I always did like it that way and it’s appropriate with oncoming Summer.

I wrote a list today that I emailed to my therapist.  It is basically a list of all the good things, the positive differences that come about with DSB gone.  It’s four pages single-spaced.  You’d think that if I could come up with four full pages of why it’s better to be alone than to be with him, that I wouldn’t be having any problems.  I guess that’s not the case.

The night is the hardest.  And the morning.  And around lunchtime.  It’s all hard, who I am kidding?  Even though I know he didn’t treat me well for the most part, my predictable life is gone.  I can do what I want now, and I am doing what I want.  I stayed out tonight ’till dark, and DSB would never have allowed that.  It worries me a little that I might mess up my sleep schedule, but I don’t know who I’m kidding with that one since I’m not sleeping anyway.

There are some things that have to be dealt with.  Like the big project boat sitting out in my backyard.  I’m tired of looking at it; get a big ol’ pang in my chest when I see it everyday.  I tried to tell Mom and the Big Dawg that it was killing the grass, but Mom cut straight to the chase.  She knows why I want that boat gone.

Kind of like all the welding projects he had in the works for people.  They’re all sitting up in my garage.  I can hardly stand to go in there.  I don’t know how those people are gonna get their stuff, half-finished, that they have already paid for part of.  I don’t have their contact information and I doubt DSB is doing anything about it.  It makes me feel a little sick to my stomach, but the Big Dawg said he would take care of any issues.  I’m supposed to just send people down to the bait shop.  He is saving me there, but that’s not unusual.  He saves me on a daily basis.

What I can’t seem to get over is why I was treated so badly, when I tried so very hard to make him happy.  I did everything around the house, cooked his favorite meals, brought him his dinner, refilled his glass, did all the grocery shopping, stopped almost every day and picked up (and paid for) something to drink, to eat, to have.  I rarely got more than a thank you, and I often got nothing.

Mom had Rock, our main employee and the son they’ve never had, over tonight when I was there.  We’ve always been acquaintances, never really talked about anything.  But you know, the things he said, he wants to help me anyway he can and he really does care.  It’s nice to have people who care and it makes one wonder why sticking to someone who obviously didn’t care for so long happened.

I was feeling really crappy toward the end of the evening and he came inside and ate dinner with me while QoB and the Big Dawg sat out on the deck, and we had a really good, meaningful conversation.  I felt a million times better after talking to him, and I know that was his aim.  He is going through something similar with his girlfriend, and we can just relate to each other.  I can see that in time I might start feeling like he’s my brother, too.  I don’t blame Mom and the Big Dawg for wanting to adopt him, at all.  He’s just that good of a kid.

It’s just nice to feel like people care, is all I’m saying.  I spent a long time feeling like the main person in my life didn’t care, no matter how much I did for him.  That is a bad and empty and hollow feeling.

I don’t want to feel that way anymore.

 

Now when  I’m feeling spunkier, this is the song I’d like to dedicate to DSB.  I’ll probably listen a few dozen times and then try and get some sleep.