My Guilty Pleasure (TW)

Today’s Daily Prompt begs the question:

What’s the one guilty pleasure you have that’s so good, you no longer feel guilty about it?



This is a good question, because I have many guilty pleasures.  Most of them are food-related.  A few are not.  I read several other blogs’ take on this question, and it seems that food or food-related items rank way up there as a guilty pleasure that they are making no apologies for.

It’s food and it’s fuel, right?  I know very few people who actually operate that way, although they claim they do.  It’s about taste and texture and comfort.  It’s about memories and celebrating and tradition.  Food can be art.  Can fuel be art?

Food can also be guilt.  Food can be a habit that is (seemingly) unbreakable.  Food can be a pattern, an imprint on our soul, a war that we constantly wage.  As a person who grew up dealing with bulimia, to an adult who constantly battles with Binge Eating Disorder, with very occasional purging thrown in for good measure, I cannot say that I am able, at this point, to have a relationship with food that mimics the “food is fuel” model.  As much as I would like, I’m not there.

I like food, actually LOVE food, but food is also the enemy.  Too little, while failing to try and eat in moderation, and I make up for that later with way too much food and a whole pot full of bad feelings about it.  If I eat an inordinate amount and am in a very bad place, I revert to old bulimic behaviors.  Why don’t I just stop already?

Food is my guilty pleasure.  But one that I do feel guilty about, which is not what the Daily Prompt really wants me to write about.  My relationship with food is better than it used to be.  I eat healthier, binge less, but it still happens.

My bingeing has been better since DSB left.  I am not keeping a lot of food around to binge on, and I had a better-than-usual experience my last grocery shopping trip in which the only real trigger item I bought was peanut butter.  Let’s just say that the peanut butter’s days were numbered and it is long gone.  And I feel really bad about that.  But there’s not much I can do now.

It will be interesting to see how my eating disorder moves along now that DSB is gone.  Already, I said, it has been better.  I want to know — will I be able to finally cure myself?  Given the right blend of vegetables and fruit and starch and protein, will I be able to banish those obsessive stuff-your-face thoughts out of my head?  I certainly hope so.

It’s certainly something I need to work on in therapy.  Something I haven’t mentioned in eons.  I’ve just been plugging away, not mentioning it because, well, I feel pretty guilty about it.

Which is why this is such a big post.  It is very hard to tell the world that you are overweight and have an eating disorder.  It is not well-understood.  “Well, just eat less!”  Right on.  All I have to comfort myself with right now, is that I am trying very hard, being extra vigilant, and hopefully with those two things and the help of my therapist, I can nip this life-long issue in the bud…forever.


Most of the Way

Thanks to Mom (oh glorious QoB!), my house was almost fully deep-cleaned yesterday.  Every bit of dog hair and dust and clutter was decimated and really, it’s looking pretty good.  I just finished mopping my dining room and kitchen, and it looks like they will need another round, but, most of the way there.

I have therapy today, and it’s kind of like cleaning house.  I feel like I’m “most of the way” there, but am missing certain key pieces that keep me from living up to my full happiness potential.  The big stuff has been knocked out of the way for now, you know, the dead weight of depression and the lunacy of mania.  They’re gone, probably not forever, but at least for now.

Now, I’m really needing to go through my proverbial house and get rid of some clutter.  I need to work on trauma issues and negativity and poor self-concept.  I need to stop eating at night and stop bingeing during the day.  I need to be a more devout shower-er and housework keeper-upper.  Can you really get all that out of therapy?

I’m not really sure.  I think that if some of my basic issues were addressed and dealt with, those things would be a lot easier.  I think a lot of my problems have to do with a lack of self-compassion, black-and-white thinking, and a constant inability to reassure myself that, by golly, it’s gonna be ok!

I have had times in my life where food was not a huge issue for me, where I had things in check and was eating right.  There was even a time that McDonald’s and Ben and Jerry’s and Oreos grossed me out.  I could taste the fat on my tongue.  Blech.  Sure do wish I could get back THERE again.  Ok, maybe not that far over, but not like it is now where I find myself hoovering triple portions of deliciously carb-laden, fat-riddled food into my mouth.

I have always had the problem with taking showers regularly.  I can remember being in college in the dorms and waiting until no one was around so I could wash my hair in the communal bathroom sink, so that everyone would think I had showered.  I still employ that trick, quite regularly, to this day.  This is a tricky one.  It stems both from trauma and not wanting to feel all that disgusting fatness with my hands.

I detest housework, mostly because it takes stamina that I don’t have to do it.  It’s that and it’s also letting it pile up around me and letting it become an unmanageable issue.  I would like to hope that, now that my house is clean, I keep it up better.  We shall see.

I notice that the underlying themes of some of my most irritating problems stem from being overweight, or relating to food.  At one point in time, I fit criteria for Bulimia, but at this point I think I fit criteria for Binge Eating Disorder.  Such a nasty, nasty thing.  Shameful!  And people don’t talk about it.  It’s almost as stigmatizing as Bipolar Disorder.  People who don’t have the problem, just.don’

I’m so glad I was able to process all of that to an audience today.  Haha!  I think I need to bring this up with my therapist today and see if I can get some tactical responses ready to go when the urge hits.