Reconsider That Scowl

It has been a long day.  While I haven’t been doing exactly manual labor all day, I have been on my feet and moving around about 1000% more than normal.  That’s not an exaggeration, because I usually am up and mobile about 10% of the time on a normal day.  You do the math, because I never was any good at it.

As my “workday” drew to a close, my brain was abuzz.  Thinking about going to the grocery store, picking up my mom’s birthday present, making dinner, seeing DSB for practically the first time that day.  Just random stuff.

After picking my car up for an extremely overdue oil change (thanks to the Q0B for priscillitating that one), I sped over to a very small IGA in a not-very-good part of town to purchase a few items.  As it happens sometimes, I miscounted while shopping and ended up at the register slightly short in the 0l’ pocketbook.  So, my groceries took a tiny little bite out of the money I had set aside for QoB’s birthday present.

And this really stressed me out.  Looking back, it really shouldn’t have, because it was only three dollars and change, but I really do live life pinching the penny.  Ya know, because I have to!  As it turns out, I still have enough to get my mom the gift I had originally intended, so all is well.

Driving back home, thru town, I found myself getting a little road rage-y.  People riding my butt while I go the legal limit through a school zone, motorists obviously intoxicated going 5mph in a 40 that I can’t get around, hoodlums stepping out in front of my car and running across the street (holding their pants up with one hand the whole way).  I could go on, but you get the picture.  By the time I got home, my eyes were nearly crossed and my shoulders were tense with anxious frustration.

On some other day, I would have went in to see DSB and have possibly been short or grouchy or bitchy or whatever you want to call it.  Today, I made a deliberate and conscious decision to be pleasant.  And I was.

I didn’t complain when the dogs needed water or the garbage can needed retrieved (literally) out of the middle of the street.  We sat in my favorite room and had quite delightful and entertaining conversation for about an hour, and then I got dinner started.  I told DSB I needed to catch up on emails and would bring him dinner when it was ready.

And all was good.  There was no fighting, no arguing, no un-comfortableness (I can’t believe that’s a word).  It was just us, being how we are, and blocking out the fatigue and the stress that the day had brought.

Once, I made plans to do something (I don’t even remember what now) that would bring me home around 6:00pm.  When I told DSB, he said he was disappointed.  He said that his favorite time of day was the end, around 4:00 or 5:00, when we would sit and talk about our day.  And then one of us would make dinner and we would go sit in our recliners and watch TV.  Maybe eat a little fruit or popcorn for a snack later.

Those were the best times for DSB.  And I hadn’t realized it until recently.  My best times are in the morning, where we’re dreaming and scheming about what the day and the month and the year will bring.  The day is unblemished and we are the only two people that matter.  That’s it for me.  And, if I think about it, DSB always goes well out of his way to make it special for me.  Well out of his way.

And so I decided I needed to do the same for DSB.  Make his favorite time of day together into something pleasant and special.  I have to be really careful with this, because I lot of the time when I come home, I am anxious and wound-up and tired.  But today I started what will be my daily gift to DSB.  I will make his evening special, put on a nice dinner, tell him funny stories about my day, and avoid all of the negativity.

We are in this together, DSB and I.  We have our moments when things aren’t going well or when I fall apart.  We have our differences and our struggles.  But deep down, we love each other immensely and we are both good at showing that to the other.  It really is the small things that make up a great relationship, and if you can leave that external stress and, frankly, bullshit at the front door, your relationship will be all the better for it.

I Won’t Ask You

Time has passed, almost two years.  In that two years, I have been selfish.  I have put my needs and wants before yours, and, as I start to feel better, I can see how unfair I have been.  How much you have had to sacrifice.  Sacrificing your time, sometimes even sacrificing your values and what you stand for.  Sometimes…who am I kidding, it’s been often and you haven’t complained.

In fact you rarely complain, and when you do it is because something completely egregious has come about.  And even then you complain quietly and you don’t do anything about it because you don’t want anyone to get upset.  I don’t want you to have to do that anymore.

You have been my biggest champion in all causes.  You have always believed in me, especially when I didn’t believe in myself.  You have calmed me on so many occasions, with just a few simple words and a hug.  You have made my life infinitely better, just by being in it.  You are the one that is always there, at the end of the day, when life has done it’s worst or it’s best, celebrating with me or talking me through tears.  That has been you.

I don’t give you enough credit.  You are the strongest person I know and I love you with an intensity I have never experienced.  I have not treated you the way you deserve to be treated.  I have loved you, but I have not listened to you, and I definitely have not heard the words that go unsaid.  The words that I think you want me to hear but won’t say out loud.

The “happy” Rose wants to do more for you.  I want to give you more happiness in life, more joy.  I want to take away your heartache and feed you hope.  I am not the only person who lacks hope.  You have hope for me, and so I can have hope for you.  You believe things can be different for me, and I believe things can be different for you.  I know that we, us, as one, are content.  I think, if I was as kind and loving to you, as you are to me, that we could be more than content, as us.

I have decided, starting now, that I am going to try and be less selfish.  I know you hate holidays, and this year I am not going to beg you to come to Thanksgiving and Christmas.  You hate it and you’re uncomfortable.  I get that and I saw that last year, and last year apparently I was just an ass and didn’t do anything about it.

This year, those are your decisions.  Whatever you decide, I am fine with.  I am done with putting you in uncomfortable positions.  I won’t ask you to join me, but know that you are welcome if you would like to come.  I won’t ask you to join me at my friend’s “welcome home” festivity, but know that I would like it if you would come.

You don’t ask me to do anything that would make me uncomfortable and I need to respect you and do the same.  So, from now on, I won’t ask you.  The choices are up to you.