What Six Years Taught Me About My Past


Six years ago today (according to my WordPress QuoteBox thingie), I registered RosieSmrtiePants as my very first (and hopefully only) blog.  I didn’t know the exact date, but I knew it was creeping up.  So, blogging since 2008.  What’s that like?

Well, it’s really pretty anticlimactic.  I would like to sit down at some point and read RosieSmrtiePants telling it like it is for the last 400+ posts.  I’m trying to decide at this point, however, if that would be a joyful experience, or if it would just dredge up old crap that is better left un-dredged.

Yes, I do use my blog as a way to go back in time and see what worked and what didn’t, to remind myself of certain things, and I would like to think there is something to be learned in every single blog entry, but let’s be honest here…I’m scared.  My past used to be a big, huge scary thing that loomed behind me, kind of like a big bloated cloud loaded with acid rain, that I would look over my shoulder at, and run even faster toward whatever my goal-of-the-moment was.

It’s not like that anymore, exactly, mostly due to the passage of time, skills used, productive therapy sessions, and the support of my A-team.  But it’s still scary.  It just doesn’t loom anymore.  It’s on the ground, not up high, getting ready to topple down on me.  It’s smaller and more manageable, but still kinda scary, maybe sort of like a mildly rabid squirrel or a slow-moving zombie.  Ya know, it’s not a real threat, but it still kind of gives you the heebie jeebies.  It’s like that.

But still, this blog is a tool.  Whether or not I choose to look back, I think I’m going to put off that decision for now.  There are actually a lot of big decisions that I’m going to just ride out for now.  I’m gonna concentrate on more in-my-face issues like quitting smoking and being a new auntie and getting back into DBT again.  Because right now, here in this moment, those are the things that make me  happy and healthy, mentally and physically.  Isn’t that what life’s all about?