Clear as Mud

I have been wanting to post since Wednesday and have even started a couple times, only to become disgusted with myself for the drivel that was pouring out of my fingertips, ending up banishing those whiny, self-important posts to the drafts bin.  I must do that a lot, because my drafts bin is super-full.

For the past few days, I have been very foggy, somewhat irritable, and a bit on the anxious side.  I can’t seem to get my thoughts together and it seems like my brain is swimming in a thick mud that I can’t see or maneuver through, but the mud is also very loud, like television static, constantly.  I’m smoking more and I’m thirstier than usual.  I’m not sleeping well, waking up in regular one-hour intervals all night, no matter how early or late I get to bed.

I think most of the problems I am having are related to not getting enough quality, restful sleep; however, why am I not getting quality, restful sleep?  I’m really not sure.  I am taking all medications as prescribed, avoiding caffeine, keeping to an evening routine, and so on, ad nauseum.  I just can’t sleep well for some reason.

I had been kicking ass on so many levels up until a couple of days ago.  I got my house clean, was making homemade meals, baked a chocolate cake from scratch, had a productive therapy session.  I was feeling good.  Since late Tuesday, though, my brain has been mired in the muck.

My kitchen is trashed out again.  Ok, it’s not that bad, but I’ve been out of dishsoap since Wednesday morning and haven’t been able to dishes since, because I am apparently too lazy to get to the store and get some.  I did make another home-cooked meal last night, though, so maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit.

I thought hindsight was supposed to be 20/20.  I find that is not the case for me, as far as charting out my feelings, emotions, thoughts, symptoms, successes, failures, etc. goes.  When I started this post, I had in my head that the last three days of my life have been a complete fail.  If I pick it apart, however, I’m doing pretty well, considering I’m not feeling the greatest mentally.  I’m coping, I guess you could say.

My mom has always said that I am my worst critic.  God forbid I don’t do my dishes daily — I’m a lazy loser.  I mean, I have had some great accomplishments over the last week, dammit!  How is it possible to lose sight of that so quickly?  Just because I’m feeling poorly overall, doesn’t mean I’m doing a poor job at living life.  My brain can be clear as mud and I can still function, even over-function, it appears.

If I had any wish today, it would be that I could learn to not see myself as a failure in all things, no matter what.  That I could keep my eyes on the prize, instead of concluding everything is a disaster, based on a FEELING.

So, Rose, stop catastrophizing, stop over-generalizing.  It’s gonna be ok.  Even if your brain is full of mud and you’re not sleeping, does not mean your life is an epic fail.  Promise.