When it Officially Fell Apart: 16:30, April 30

Do you ever find you get in the same argument with your significant other, over and over?  There are always promises to do better, to change, to love more and control less.  In our case, they never happened, those promises.  They never bore fruit.

Just fifteen minutes after writing my last post, Uncertainty and Anxiety, I confronted DSB about why he never shows me any affection.  This is a common argument.  He had no answers, but told me I was the most selfish person he had ever met, including his ex-wife.  He said several other degrading things, mean-spirited comments, and then I guess I goaded him into leaving me.  That’s how he puts it.

What happened was more like me asking why he would want to be with someone he felt so negatively about, and him saying “I guess I’ll leave then.”  We’ve had this roundabout discussion numerous times.  If you have so many bad things to say about me, DSB, then why the FUCK are you still here?  I think that’s a valid question.

He said more mean things, and even brought my beloved family into the mix.  After hearing him spew bile about just what he thought about them, and about how my family didn’t care about me, not the way I thought they did, I had enough.  I told him I wanted him out, just as he said he’d be out by tomorrow.

As Dad said, funny how ballsy people who get their checks on the 1st are, right before they get their check.  I agree, Dad.

Do I think he’d been planning this for some time?  Yes and no.  We’ve been trying to make things work, but as my mom pointed out, this was just yet another abusive relationship.  Having to be certain places at certain times, not being able to have company over often, not being “allowed” to go to my mom’s whenever I wanted, having to have “permission” to do so many things.  Controlling.  Very.  Add to that the yelling and the name-calling and the blaming?  Yeah, it’s probably an abusive relationship.

And like an idiot, I let it go on for two years.  Two years of him not paying a single bill, living rent-free, making me do all the w0rk, and trying to keep me from my family.  Badmouthing people I cared about all the time.  Who does that?

I’m now several hours post-breakup and I’m feeling very sad.  I’m crying a lot, thinking about the good times we did have and wondering what I did to fuck that up so badly.  Petting Rascal, who I will probably never see again after tomorrow.  Looking at the one picture he allowed me to take of us, some two years ago.  Remembering how deep those feelings ran, and to a point, still do run.

I feel like I am losing my best friend, but I know that a week or a month down the road, I’ll see things differently.  I know I’ll realize how negative he was for me, how much he hurt me, and mostly, how unloved he made me feel.  Unlovable.  Seems to be my thing.

I guess on an upside, maybe all 0f this anxiety will quiet down.  Maybe I can sleep at night and not be bound to my home, by someone who never wants to go do anything or see anyone or go someplace.  Maybe someday I’ll realize that I’m worth more than that.

But for right now, I’m going to be sad.  It’s the end of the DSB and Rosa era, and we did have some good times.  He did pull me through some bad times, but I don’t owe that to him forever.  I pulled him through some of the worst times in his life, with nary a thank you.  It just seems really sad that what always seemed like a fairytale to me ended how it did.  When he showed who he really was and I failed to speak up when he labeled me things I am not.

I’m sorry this is so all over the place.  I’m really feeling emotionally wrecked right now and I can’t stop crying.  I’ve talked to Mom and the Big Dawg, and I just got off the phone with my dad.  My mom asked me if there was anything she could do.  My dad asked if there was anything he could do.  Other than making this better, fixed, which is not possible, please just say a prayer for strength for me.  If you don’t pray, that’s fine.  Send a shout-out into the Universe or light a candle or chant.  I really don’t care.  I need to find some peace so I can heal, and that doesn’t look too likely, at least for tonight.

It’s all I can do to keep from running in the other room and telling him to stop packing.  I was laying in bed when I heard NCIS: Los Angeles come on.  That was one of OUR shows, and he is in there watching it without me.  This is going to take a lot of getting used to, but it will be easier when he is out of MY house.  MY HOUSE.

Dammit.  There is nothing more to say for right now.  I need to cry some more and then try and get some sleep.  I just wish I could stop crying and suck it up.  Sometimes, even T-women have to cry, right, Madre?  xoxo