Ask, Listen, and Ask Again

As anyone who reads this blog well knows, DSB and I have been having some problems lately relating to how I have been put into a caretaker role, and my feeling that he could do some of that caretaking on his own.  So I asked him about it.  I asked him why he didn’t want to drive, why he didn’t want to fetch his own drinks and help with dinner, why (it seemed) he only wanted to sit in his chair and rot.

There were no clear answers that night, but ever since, I have not been waiting on him hand and foot (nor has he asked me to), he has stepped up and gone to the grocery store, all sorts of doctors appointments, and driven himself numerous places.  Occasionally I will still get his drink, but it’s not about that.  It’s the getting up and doing for oneself when one is, in fact, able.

I don’t know that he realized he was at that point, where he was able to tend to his own business.  I am thankful he has reached it however, and I will support him in whatever way that I can.  I feel like things are “going back to normal” for us, and that is so badly needed, by both of us.  He is contributing, financially, emotionally, physically.  I am doing the same.  We both need that.

In not-really-related news, I have been on a search for the spiritual, on and off, for the past several years.  I wanted to find MY God, a God that understood me, that I could have faith in.  I tried going to different churches and wound up with a bad taste in my mouth with most of them, other than the Catholic church.

My Dad was in the seminary for a brief period and his “smorgasbord Catholicism” (as he would call it) led him to take my sister and I to Mass a few times when we were young.  I have very fond memories of it and of Dad in that setting and in the specific church we went to.  I was not surprised when Catholicism seemed like such a perfect fit.

It was no big surprise to me when I became very interested in the Catholic church a few years ago.  I went to Mass several times with my mom’s best friend, and really enjoyed it.  Then there was a breakup and I moved and then I got really crazy.  It fell by the wayside and it was not until a short while ago that I started thinking about it.

I had read Marilyn Armstrong’s “The 12 Foot TeePee” and lay pondering it for many nights, as I worked my way through it.  It had been awhile since I had thought about spirituality or church or religion or God.  Wondering out loud one night, I knew I had to get back to Mass.  I knew that was where I belonged and I was pretty sure that God had told me that Himself.  That may sound cuckoo, but that’s how it was for me.  It was very, very clear.

Since then, I’ve been to Mass just yesterday, and just in time for all of the Lenten celebrations.  It couldn’t be a better time to be going back, and if all keeps going well, which I hope it will (and secretly, *know* it will), I am going to start RCIA classes in the Fall and formally enter the world of Catholicism next year.

I Sing Because I’m Free

It will be two weeks this Wednesday that my Grandma passed.  I feel like I am still dealing with the aftermath, but things get better every day.  I went back to Mass this past Sunday and it was really helpful.  I wish I had taken RCIA this past fall, but there’s always next year.  I guess I just wasn’t ready at the time.

My buddy, Pond Princess, has loaned me her rosary and I am learning to pray it.  I find it very soothing and like the prayers I am meditating on are being heard.  I just keep praying for God to make me willing, and to help me to turn things over to Him.  In some ways, I am very willing, in other ways, very willful.  It is a daily struggle to take things as they come, without trying to orchestrate my own life.  It’s all about letting go and floating.

I have been trying all I can do to use the skills that DBT has given me.  I am staying busy, and working constantly at turning my mind from the pain.  I accomplished a lot over the weekend, and that feels good.  I am also using sacred self and trying to take care of myself.  My sleep and eating has been out of whack, but I know that will settle down if I just get back into my routine.  It’s the getting there that’s the hard part.

Prayers for Pond Princess’ mom and more for my family, as it seems we keep going through the death and dying of our loved ones.  If you don’t pray, give some thought or light a candle for us.  My family and I feel loved and blessed by all of our friends, and I know that right now we are leaning hard on all of you.

Lauryn Hill and Tanya Blount, His Eyes are On the Sparrow


Cure for Self-Loathing

Sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking that everyone hates me, because I am soooo unlikeable.  Recent evidence has come to light that most people actually don’t hate me, and that my perception of other people’s actions or non-actions often don’t have anything to do with me.  The amount of assistance, love, and thoughtfulness I am receiving from others in my life right now makes it really difficult for me to keep up with my personal belief that I am an unlikeable piece of shit.  Go figure.

I went over to the new house yesterday to find some beautiful floors.  QoB and Frog Queen have really been working hard!  I can’t believe how good they look!  I was cussing up a storm, so happy!  Isn’t that weird to cuss up a storm when you’re happy and excited?  Yeah, maybe.  I think I come by it honestly, though.  🙂

I had some much-needed relaxation last night, hanging out with my step-sister and brother-in-law.  We had a little Mexican fiesta, complete with margaritas.  Woot woot!  It was really nice to hang out with them because, between our schedules, we don’t see a lot of each other.  And it was nice to do something fun and relaxing.  Looking forward to more of that in the future!  Just gotta get moved, now!

So I’ve really been working hard with the dogs on their separation anxiety and overall anxiety.  I have been giving them bones, which, amazingly enough, Kizzie has not been burying!  That’s why I hadn’t been giving bones for so long, but it turns out that Kizzie has turned over a new leaf and is actually enjoying them  now, rather than letting them rot in the ground and then digging them up six months later, all disgusting and wormy.  Let’s just say that isn’t something you really want in your house.  Yuck!

My plans for today are to bring some boxes of stuff over to the new house, sort through a bunch of clothes and donate them (or at least get them in the car so I can drop them off tomorrow), and then vacuum the house I am living in now.  It has gotten pretty dirty.  Not disgusting, just lots of dirt and leaves and bamboo that the dogs have tracked in.  I am hopeful that it won’t be such a problem at the new house, because the area that will be fenced will be much more manageable to keep cleaned up and free of yard debris (much smaller).

My stress level has been slowly lowering over the past few days.  I know I had my little breakdown on Friday, but overall it has been better.  I had realized that I was only getting about six hours average of sleep over the past year (there’s a counter on my CPAP), and I had thought I was getting much more.  Now I am taking care to go to bed a little bit earlier and sleep in a little later.  I feel better already!!

Today is St. Ignatius Loyala’s feast day, so Dad and I are going to mass this evening to celebrate.  Dad says we can call him Iggy, since he was a Jesuit and I went to a Jesuit college.  Not so sure about that, but it will be nice to get back to church.  I have missed the last few weeks due to the hectic schedule of moving and I have really missed it.  Need to figure out here within the next month where I am going to RCIA classes.  There are a few more churches I want to check out, but my heart is already pretty set on one that I have already been to.  We shall see, though.

A tribute to QoB and Frog Queen:

Barenaked Ladies, If I Had $100,000,000