I Wish I Could…(Almost Wordless Wednesday)

Today, missing a person in my life who hasn’t completely left it, but pushes me away tiny bit by tiny bit.  There is so much I want to say, that I won’t, that I can’t (for various reasons).  I had a person in my life for almost 34 years who I thought loved me, for me, and treated me as his own.  Now that things are different, I yearn to be able to turn to him as I did all of those years, but my mind and heart have been so damaged by the past year, and all of his words, his actions and inactions, that I have to leave it alone.  This may end up being the first DBT complete “burning bridges” that I have to do.  I hope it doesn’t come to that, but I don’t see any change in the future, and if I look back far enough, it wasn’t usually good enough to make me feel okay in the first place.



Possibilities and Challenges

I like to blog more often than a month worth of every 10 days or so, but life is getting in the way.  Not necessarily in a good way.  In short words, my parents are getting a divorce.

Longer words, current circumstances are stressful, interpersonal relationships are either weakened or strengthened.  I find myself crying a lot and screaming, “I can’t do this” in my head (and sometimes, out-loud, usually in my car), even though I’m not sure exactly what “this” is.

And sometimes, actually, it’s more like mostly, it hurts so much and its so badly stressful because you see your parents, people you have known your entire life, who have loved you and protected you and sang silly songs to you and called you out on your curfew, well, you see them suffering.

Suffering and crying and being angry and being sad.  Having to make really hard, life-changing decisions.  It is very difficult, as a grown woman, for the first time after 30-some years of living life together, that you see your dad cry.  Not able to talk to you because he is so upset.  Absolutely heartbreaking.

All the people around you, who so clearly don’t see your position and obviously think you are an idiot, tell you it’s not your fault (of course it’s not!) and that it is between them and there is nothing you can do to make it better (well, YES, no kidding, really?).  I spent the first bit trying to get them back together, of course, which is a natural human response, I believe.  But then I realized, this is not my battle to fight.  There is absolutely not one single thing I can do that will “fix” this or make it better.

I am hoping I am going to turn the corner from being extremely stressed out and upset and crying and going on to some sort of acceptance.  I am working on it, is all I can say.  Maybe do a little more of what Mr. Merton says:

You do not need to know precisely what is happening,

or exactly where it is all going.

What you need is to recognize the possibilities

and challenges offered by the present moment,

and to embrace them with courage.

Thomas Merton

A quick note…

I have been very behind reading, liking, and commenting on other blogs.  If you haven’t seen me stop by in awhile, my emotional turmoil and all the stress is what is keeping me away.  I hope to return to the blogosphere with much enthusiasm in November for NaBloPoMo and plan to be doing a lot of reading of blogs I have followed forever and hopefully some new blogs starting very soon.


I Couldn’t Tell Her the Truth

Today, I saw a very close friend at a casual brunch and she delivered amazing news.  She and her husband are expecting their first baby come next year.  Of course, I am thrilled for my friend.  I think she will make a great mother and it is with much anxiety and love that I hope to be part of that little one’s life.

While I am excited for my friend, I somewhat anticipated the crushing devastation that I felt after she had told me and the initial excitement wore off.  It was obvious to most people around me that something was off, and I think only QoB and DSB really knew what was going on.

I made a decision a long time ago that I wouldn’t have children.  My decision was affirmed by people I loved, doctors and therapists I trusted.  Some went so far as to say, “Rose, you wouldn’t be a good mother.”  I internalized that and made it my own.  When I would feel my biological clock ticking, that phrase reverberated in my head.

I see blogs where people with bipolar have children and make things work.  Bipolar people who go off their meds, just hoping to get pregnant, damn the consequences.  Bipolar people who just figure it out.  I don’t think I can do any of that, and it has been pounded into my head for years that, Rose, you just can’t.

There are a lot of barriers to me having a baby.  I would have to go off most of my meds, and I have just now reached a long-term level of stability that I can enjoy.  I am extremely limited financially, with only $115 per week to spend on gas, groceries, and any other incidental that might come up.  How does one raise a baby (and then a teenager!) on that kind of budget?

I have severe angst about my decision to not have children.  I really just don’t think it would be fair to the child.  I just don’t.  When I am not stable, I can barely get out of bed, think, drive, go the grocery store, leave my house, pump my own gas, cook, clean, take care of personal hygiene, just about any little daily tasks becomes unsurmountable.

Knowing those things is one thing.  Feeling this longing for a child of my own is quite another.  My feelings one way tear up my feelings the other way and vice versa.  I have been around babies, young children, tweens, teens, and young adults.  I look at what goes into that and know, deep deep down, that I don’t have what it takes.  It is something that I hope to get a grip on someday.  To not feel this terrible angst about the whole situation.

Compounding matters, I had an abortion when I was 21.  I was trying to escape an abusive relationship, and I was desperate and manic as all hell.  I often wonder what would have happened, had I kept the baby.  I know, realistically, that this was simply not feasible at the time, but I do wonder.  And I know it is part of what makes  this so hard now.

I love my DSB and he would give me the world if I asked for it.  This is one thing I won’t be asking for.  I am re-affirming my vow that I will not have children.  I will have DSB and my dogs and my family, and that will have to be enough.  I will work and work things through in my mind until that is my only truth.  I can’t go through this agony each and every time someone close to me gets pregnant.