Scream Along With Me if You Want

Yesterday,  hoped that today would be much much better.  Unfortunately, I was up all night and then sick all day, barely able to get out of bed.  So much for my thoughts on getting some massive cleaning done.  Very most basic things taken care of — shower, feed Kizzie, drink something.  Other than that, nada.  So I thought I would post because, even though here at 6:34P, I feel better, I don’t feel better to the point where I can start sweeping and vacuuming and throwing laundry around.

As I sit here blogging, I find myself browsing YouTube.  It’s something my mom really likes to do and she always finds the most interesting, upbeat songs.  All I find are 80’s songs.  Because that’s what YouTube recommends for me.  Sad and peppy and good memory and bad memory 80’s songs.  Mr. Big anyone?

Mom was kind enough to bring me some ginger ale and I am smart enough to not drink the entire 2-L in one setting.  Because I am tempted, but I am done with getting sick.  I’d really like to sleep all night through, but I don’t know how likely that is, considering I was laying in bed all day.  I plan on just doing some reading later, so hopefully my brain won’t be hopped up on whatever it is that comes out of electronics that is so bad for  you.

Not smoking today was a small miracle.  I was idle, sick, and nothing sounded better than a cigarette, although on the other hand, when I really did think about it, my stomach lurched around inside my body.  How can I want something so badly and be so repulsed by it at the same time?  It makes no sense to me.

Over this latest funk, I have not been commenting and liking and reading as much, but trust that I still pop over and see what you’re up to.  Sometimes I just don’t have it in me to leave a decent comment, so there’s only a like.  One of these days, I’ll get back to my normal self and things will go on as usual.  I can’t help wondering waiting wishing dreaming and screaming about when that might be.  Scream along with me if you want.

Does Better Mental Health Equal an Easier Quit?

You know, when you get ready to quit smoking, you can find some of the most unbelievable “facts” and opinions on the Internet.  Everything from “the only way to quit and stay quit is xyz” to “blood pressure returns to normal within 24 hours” to “the first few weeks are the hardest.”

Well, it might end up, further into my journey, that I call the first few weeks the hardest, but that just isn’t how its going for me right now.  I am on Day 12 and counting, and I am finding it to be so much easier than any of the other times I tried to quit, and much more similar to the last time I quit for an extended period of time (1.5 years).  It just feels easy, it just feels right.

Maybe it is because my mental health is in such a place, that I’m learning once again to focus on the moment, to not dwell on negativity, and to do the things that I know keep me well.  Although over the past month, things have been hit or miss with my mood, I have had several straight solid days, where I felt great, happy even.  Not manic, mind you, just centered and at peace with things, in general, in my life.

I owe a lot of that to be open, willing, mindful, and completing meditation practice every day.  It is amazing how much all of that opens you up to a more beautiful world than you see when feeling poorly.  It feels like the sun is shining down into my brain, my heart, and like any problem I am having right now, is a problem that can be put away, worked through, or I can be made to realize it isn’t as important as I thought it was.

I know I have quit smoking, temporarily before, and I realize I am at 12 days only, and while I will obviously be much more comfortable when I am months or even years from my quit date, I can’t help but feel super confident that this will last.  I have had so many new “revelations” since I quit, so much has already changed, and I just keep waiting for the next surprise to come up.

Before quitting, I was always (no exaggeration) very out of breath.  Even just sitting, I had a wheezy pant going.  Walking across a parking lot was difficult, and walking around a grocery store or any store for that matter, was next to impossible.  I barely moved at home, sitting for long periods of time and neglecting daily chores.  Of course, it didn’t help that I have been sick for the longest time, but I’m talking the most extreme inactivity.

I had forgotten how bad certain things smelled, and now my sense of smell is coming back.  Burnt popcorn smell all throughout the house, stinky fish smell coming from garbage, the smell of smoke steeped into the whole house from years of smoking inside.  It’s all really terrible and, while I am grateful that I can smell these things now so that I can address them before they become a real problem, it’s really kind of gross right now and has been making me quite nauseous  here in the last couple of days.

When I find myself wanting a cigarette, usually after a meal or when driving, I tell myself to wait five minutes, and if after those five minutes are up, I still want a cigarette, I can go buy a pack and have one.  And quite honestly, usually by 2 or 3 minutes, I can’t believe that I was actually entertaining the idea of having one.  Mindfulness really helps with cravings as well, along with deep breathing or rhythmic breathing.

Feeling all that clean air push through my lungs, the irritating cough I have right now while getting all that stuff out my chest, and the ability to smell both good smells and bad smells — well, all in all, I’m loving it.  It is that immediate positive reinforcement for breaking bad behavior that works so well, and I know I would be able to do any of this if my mental health were in poor shape, and for that I thank DBT, mindfulness, and Loving-Kindness.

 

Building Rome: Serenity Now

Well, it’s week two for me of Building Rome. Building Rome is a challenge created by Green Embers and each week, we set small goals and then report back on the past week’s goals.  I also add in my every-day-gotta-do-it goals at the end, but to each their own.

This week’s theme is “Serenity Now.”  The quote that Green Embers selected for this post if particularly apt to my situation:

“This art of resting the mind and the power of dismissing from it all care and worry is probably one of the secrets of energy in our great men.”
– Captain J. A. Hadfield

Indeed.  Following last week’s goals, we find:

1)  Fail #1:  Send a handwritten card to my sister and step-sister letting them know how much they mean to me.

I didn’t do this, namely because I didn’t make the time or the effort.  It just slipped off my radar.  Maybe for another day!

2) Win #1:  Perf0rm one random act of kindness for a stranger each day.  A smile, holding the door open, helping someone carry something, advising where something is located in the grocery store.  Small things, important things.

I have been in the position to do a lot of this lately, and have happily done so.  My favorite was spotting someone a quarter so they could complete their purchase at Dollar General.  It’s just a quarter, people!  Out of the long line, I was the only one to offer assistance.

3) Win #3:  Talk with Goddess of Mindfulness about this constant cycling and what we can do about it, other than following the “crisis” medication regime.  Also talk with her about the mental  health center’s lack of follow-through with my needed medication requests.  Ask for her help in communicating with them.

Done and done and done.  I am back on my “crisis” medication regimine.  She explained to me the extreme understaffing at the center and suggested I make an appointment straight-away, as it is difficult to get in now.

Those were the main goals I set for last week.  The following goals will be for this week, and will embrace “serenity now.”

1) Take Kizzie for a walk at least three times for at least 15 minutes this week.

This will help my mental health, my physical health, and Kizzer’s health.  I often used to find that walks were good ways to clear my brain, and with quitting smoking, I need all of that I can get.

2) Set aside time each morning to read in the devotional book that my mom’s best friend, Glo gave me.

We have not made it to church now in weeks, thanks to our dueling schedules, and my lapsing faith is irritating me like a burr right under my skin.  Who knew that having faith was such hard work?

3) Continue to not smoke.

Smoking creates anxiety, really.  When you feel like you’ve not had one in a certain amount of time, it certainly increases those feelings.  I have plenty of anxiety on my own to deal with.  I really don’t need the help!

Now, for my four must-do-every-day-n0-matter what:

1) Take medications exactly as presribed.  I actually did a pretty good job this week, other than taking my morning meds late on two days.  I still took them, though, so there’s progress!

2) Take care of Kizzie’s needs.  I did pretty well on this, too.  She never ran completely out of water and I’ve already made arrangements to get some dog food picked up.  We’ve been playing a lot, and it is clear she would rather sit on my lap in the  living room than sit under my feet at my computer desk.  She can be a bit on the needy side, sometimes.

3)  Take care of personal hygiene daily.  I did a bang-up job of this, I believe, this week.  Smelling all fresh and clean AND, I put away all my clean clothes, so I know what I have to wear.  That is a big bonus, and it doesn’t really matter that I did it at 9:00 last night — just that it’s done!

4) Eat healthfully and mindfully.  Epic fail.  Too much fast food this week, and too many sugary drinks.  There has also been a lot of snacking going on since I quit smoking and I KNOW that this is just nervous energy — I just want it to stop!

So, if you’d like to hold yourself accountable and feel like making some new goals, check out Green Embers’ site for details and link-up.  I know I feel a little bit better if I have some direction in life!

Sorry there were no fun  pictures, but today is a git’ ‘er done kind of day, and I didn’t have time.  Maybe next week!

The Song

Received a missed call from a Colorado number about a week after DSB left. Received a mail forwarding notification from Colorado about a week later. I’m not even TRYING to go back to that, and I’m trying not to think about it.

I think this song sums it up perfectly (that and I’m ragingly emotional from loss of cigarettes…Day Two, you kicked my ass).

Collection of Thoughts, Tobacco-Free Edition

1) Started my first month’s free subscription to  Netflix today.  I don’t have cable and I like movies.  There are a lot of movies I would like to have seen, but DSB was not interested in much what I was.  Netflix also has back-episodes of shows I have always wanted to see (that again, DSB did not).  I am pleased to report that it is streaming well on my POS computer, so was pleasantly surprised, there.  I might keep it, might not.  I have a month to decide, so there’s the beauty!

 

2) Day One of smoking cessation has me on my ass.  I remembered it as being easier, but I have been quite grumpy today and just very uncomfortable in my own skin.  I didn’t do anything wrong or bitch anyone out, but the Big Dawg let me leave 90 minutes early today.  I think he was worried that I WOULD end up bitching someone out.  Or he just felt sorry for me.  Either way, I was glad to come home to a nice air-conditioned house.  That reeks of smoke.  I’ll get it out, one way or another.  May I just say, though, that nicotine lozenges TOGETHER with the patch makes all the difference.  I remembered that from last time, so I made sure I had both.  ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

 

3) I think it is possible that my dad and I have gone from not communicating to over-communicating.  Ya know, there’s some things I don’t need to know, things that just make me feel bad.  I know he’s trying to be helpful, but it’s not.  I haven’t told him yet, still might not.   Undecided.

 

4)  I always feel a little bit bad when I do it, but I unsubscribe emails from bloggers who do not answer comments.  As in, EVER.  I’m not unf0llowing.  There is a slight chance in hell I might come across them in Reader.  I just feel like, if someone leaves you a comment, then you should probably respond.  Even just a “thanks” will do it.  What do you think about this issue?  Leave it in the comments, I’d really like to know.  (and I’m not talking about being tardy with comments — I’m saying NEVER responding)

5) And my brain power is pretty much gone.  I am eating salmon and lima beans for dinner (my most favorite dinner ever) to treat myself to a day gone without smoking, so there’s some brain food.  Here’s hoping you are having a stress-free day full of Cheezits, the third  most perfect food (below salmon and lima beans, of course).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More Blathering About Quitting Smoking

My pregnant little sister is in town, along with her husband.  I am excited to see them, but wary of the reaction I will get if I tell them I quit smoking.  They are both vehemently opposed to smoking, so I am sure they would be happy for me, but they would also be skeptical and I really don’t  need to hear that shit right now.  Add to that the fact that my mom still smokes, I don’t want any negative attention brought down on here.  So I came here to celebrate.

I have not smoked for: Two days, 22 hours, 47 minutes and 52 seconds. 176 cigarettes not smoked, saving $22.47. Life saved: 14 hours, 40 minutes.

176 cigarettes…really now?  That seems like an insane number after being just shy of three days.  I am using the patch, the very occasional nicotine lozenge, and a few puffs on an e-cig first thing in the morning and right after dinner.  That’s probably not recommended, but that’s what I’m doing and it is working for me, thus far.  There are so many opinionated assholes in the “quit smoking” forums, and everyone is an “expert,” and the whole thing resembles the bad parts of Alcoholic Anonymous.

I’m not saying that AA doesn’t help some people quit drinking, but not everyone responds to that sort of thing.  What I DO respond to is feeling already like my lungs are healthier, that I don’t smell like smoke (other than the stale-ishness still in my clothes and car and coat), and the satisfaction of knowing that I am accomplishing something important.

Even though my mom smokes, I receive probably the most support from her.  She is really proud of me, and that means a lot.  She pointed out that I have given up some difficult things for no reason other than my health.  I gave up drinking in April of 2012, not because I had a problem or needed to or my doctor recommended it, but because I knew it interfered with my meds.  I haven’t had a drop since, and it really hasn’t been all that hard.  I don’t think it hurts that I do occasionally enjoy a virgin margarita or virgin Bloody Mary mix on ice.  😀

I am giving up smoking mainly because I am tired of how my lungs feel and how limited I am as far as physical activity.  I really want to lose some weight, and while I know that most people who quit smoking gain weight initially, I am fully confident that I won’t because I will be more active.  And even if I do, an extra 15 or 20 pounds can be easily lost with some exercise and moderate diet.

I’m just saying, gaining a little weight is the least of my concerns.  I have actually dropped almost 10 pounds in the last two weeks, without trying too hard.  I just have been leaving something on my plate and eating only until I am full.  So, progress made on both fronts.

So there’s some more quitting smoking blah-blah-blah for now, and maybe after Thanksgiving today I’ll feel more motivated in posting about it.  For now, this will have to do!