The Blurry Selfie

Effects-Rose-2A

Yep, WordPress, there’s me.  All fuzzified, but, still me.  I wanted to take a new picture, because I hadn’t had one in three years and all of my FB pictures had me with super-short hair.  I wanted to show off my big long hair.  This fuzzified one doesn’t do it justice, but you start to get the point.

Imagine my surprise when I post this picture on FB and automatically get a harsh reply, “Errrrmmmm, where’s ur makeup?”  Okay, it wasn’t hard enough for me to put it up there, and now my best friend from high school (who is also an Avon rep) points out that, gee, you NEED makeup.  She made me feel so stupid.  And ugly.

And the thing is, I let her.  I let her make me feel stupid and ugly (and of course, fat, because ugly and fat go hand in hand) and undesirable.  I let her make me feel like I needed makeup to be pretty, when I know better.  I do like to wear makeup, yes, but I don’t wear it all the time.  I don’t have to wear it to feel pretty.  But I let her make me feel ashamed, for not being more of a woman, a girly girl.

I think what this photo really shows is a person, trying to put herself out there.  Trying really hard, because it doesn’t come easy.  Trying even harder to overcome the feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem and the feeling like she really isn’t pretty.  Not at 32 years old.

The truth of the matter, is this person doesn’t NEED makeup.  Maybe a little mascara for those blonde eyelashes, maybe a touch of eyeshadow, of blush.  But that would be about it.  This person isn’t in need of foundation and concealer and powder and all the face paint.  This person doesn’t think it looks good on ANYONE.

So there are a few blemishes here and there, and those eyes would really POP with a tiny bit of makeup, but there’s nothing wrong with the picture above.  That woman is lovely, inside and out, and it is a damn shame that she lets others make her feel differently.

I Am NOT Broken

There is that unknown, in life.  That curveball waiting around the corner.  When you think things are going fine, but little do you know, they’re about to turn on a dime and suddenly everything isn’t quite what  you thought it was.  There’s a lot of thinking, a lot of worry.

And then you realize that  you’re so caught up in the worry, you start not living your life.  You have the stomach flu for a week and you decide the world has moved on without you.  You feel lonely and a little blue and extremely bored.  And like life has left you behind.

Of course these are not valid feelings.  They are just the machinations of your brain, repeating all of those things that were not-so-kindly stuffed there.  No one wants to hang out with you.  You’re a loser.  That guy is too good for you.  Nobody cares about you, wants you, wants to listen to your crap.  You should just give up now, because none of it is going to happen.  All those little voices in your head, plaguing you, because once upon a time, you let someone in your head that you shouldn’t have.  The person’s words make it difficult to rest, to rest easy and live in the here and now.

You have no real evidence that these things are true.  They just ARE, in your brain.  Your brain which he disconnected from your heart, that truly feels the warmth of people and doesn’t understand the disconnect. The you that is searching to understand the good and bad and truth and dishonesty in people.  The you that is trying to make the right decisions, without heartbreak, without malice or ill-intent.

Deep inside, you recognize the good in people, but you still have that doubt, not about other people, but about YOURSELF.  Am I good enough? Smart enough?  Pretty enough?  Do other people want to listen to what I say, or do I get a relentless status as a complainer, a whiner, as someone who won’t take action to FIX their life?

And then you see, I am not BROKEN.  I do not need to be FIXED.  I just need to love myself and the rest will come in time.  The doubt, the uncertainty, they will HEAL.  I don’t have to force it, I just need to let it come.  I need to let it come and turn it over and over and over again to something bigger than myself.  When the time is right, I will heal and might even laugh over what I have said prior.  But at this time, it is my life.

Turn it over.  I am NOT broken.

Accepting “Not Quite Good Enough”

Oh, I had such plans for yesterday, but as I blogged about procrastination, it became all too clear that I simply wasn’t going to get done everything I had planned.  And I didn’t.  And it wasn’t quite good enough, I, personally wasn’t quite “good enough.”

I sat stuck in this idea for a good bit.  I tried music, meditation, and tried to validate myself that I did get quite a bit done.  “But not everything,” I kept reminding myself.  DSB came in and commented on how much I had accomplished.  That whisper in my head still ever-present, “But not quite good enough.”

And I fed that whisper with my continued self-doubt, self-loathing.  I fed him until he filled up the room and squeezed the air from my lungs.  I fed him until he was all I could see in front of me.  “You, Rose, are not quite good enough.”

It took the better part of the evening, a PRN Klonopin, some journaling, and a lot of self-introspection before I could start to put off that whisper.  To tell that whisper to go right back to the hell it came from.  In days and years past, I wouldn’t have been able to do that.

What did I do to get this whisper out of my head?  I wrote a “done” list.  Instead of looking at my to-do list and bemoaning the fact that not everything was crossed off, I pulled out a separate sheet of paper and wrote down every little thing that I had accomplished that day.  And it turned out to be quite a lot.

I talked to QoB and the Big Dawg and told them I was going to continue with group, but would make myself available to work on Fridays.  They insisted that I go to group all three days, and that was such a big relief.  We are getting to a slower point in the season, so it isn’t really necessary to have two people there all day.  The Big Dawg will still get to leave early, regardless of if I am there or not.  The Wonder Boy will still work his same hours whether I’m there or not.  It works out overall.

I am really excited about continuing group.  It is good for me in a lot of ways and I can see real improvement in some areas of my life, and hope to see that improvement extend to other areas in days to come.  I am thankful that Big Dawg and QoB were so supportive in letting me continue, and DSB is supportive of it, as well.

Sometimes I get this feeling that it really IS gonna be ok, without those words coming from someone else’s mouth.  This is a feeling that is rising within me, coming straight from me.  And sometimes I chant it to myself…gonna be ok…gonna be ok…gonna be ok.  Whatever it takes, right?