Restricting the Flail

My momma, good ol’ QoB, left me a comment yesterday that said I probably feel like I’m flailing, but am not.  This does feel a bit like a flail, but even more than that, a great attempt at restricting myself from flailing, if that makes any sense.  Flailing, like willfulness, is sitting on your hands when something can be done.  That is precisely what I have been doing for quite some time, and lemme tell ya, my hands have gone and went to sleep.

In a perfect world, my house would be clean by now, but I have other obligations that I must attend to.  Number one, is not really an obligation, but more something I want to do, love to do, must do to stay sane.  I must stay connected with DSB.  We spent most of Sunday and Monday just hanging out and talking, but when it was time to get to work on other projects, we both did.

Even with the heat yesterday, DSB spent all day in the garage working on this and that.  I went to work at 11:00am and didn’t get home until almost 5:00pm.  And that’s ok.  So, I didn’t get any cleaning done yesterday, and I probably won’t until I am off on Sunday, but i really am ok with that.  I have the obligation to my parents to work three days a week, and that’s the least I can do for all they have done for me.  I even like working there some days.

And it’s not like I’m not getting anything at all done when I am working or spending time with DSB.  I manage to cook, keep the kitchen up, and have done three loads of laundry today.  I am just not able to ATTACK things quite like I want to.

I did get all of my house plants outside and watered for the summer months.  I am pretty excited about that and a few of them are already starting to look healthier for it.  QoB bought me a knock-out rosebush and some sort of shrub to plant, which I am very excited about.  The rosebush is to replace one that didn’t survive a transfer after it was rescued from a corner of my yard that DSB’s dog frequently marks.  The bush, well, I’m not sure where that little guy will go yet, but I’m sure QoB has some idea.  She also bought me a hanging pot of geraniums and they are proudly displayed outside my bathroom window.

I will be restricting the flail and forcing myself to go to the grocery store here either this evening or tomorrow afternoon.  I am baking for Father’s Day presents (with some help from DSB) and have a few things to pick up for that, as well as some creamer because neither DSB or I can stand to drink it black, even if it has sugar in it.  Blech!

QoB has picked out some cute new summer tops for me, so I have been stylin’ at the bait shop lately.  I am almost through them, so it’s time for some laundry, which I am currently attacking.  I did figure, however, that it would be important first to get some towels clean so one can shower.  Another move to restrict the flail.

I can do things.  I can do things that intimidate me or scare me or make me wanna run in the other direction.  I can do laundry and buy groceries and cook and clean.  I can do the small things in my life that make it run more smoothly and calm my anxiety.  I can restrict the flail and will continue to do so, until it doesn’t seem like such a chore anymore.

Ritalin Jumpstart

Ok, so this is probably all in my head, but I have taken all three daily doses of Ritalin for the past two days and I am feeling remarkably better.  Remarkably better in that I feel clearer, more motivated, and less ick.  

I should probably clarify that I am not on Ritalin for treatment of ADD.  My doctor prescribed it while I  was going through a severe depressive phase because all anti-depressants do is make me manic.  Every time.  When I think of how things were going pre-Ritalin and then how things were going after I had been on it for awhile, it really was a bit of a miracle drug for me.  Of course, I’m a dumbass and i stopped taking it.

Hoping to get that clear, crisp, motivated, un-ick feeling back, as I said, I’ve started up the regimine again.  I have been supremely motivated and have kicked much ass in the last 48 hours, on a domestic level.  I am  still feeling a bit iffy in my interactions with other people, but let’s be honest, that is a day-to-day struggle, Ritalin or not.

I blogged a few posts ago about bipolar people having goals and my thoughts on the topic.  At the time, I talked only of very short-term goals, such as goals for the day.  To be honest, I don’t make any goals longer than for the day.  I think it’s habit.  When not feeling well, it is super difficult to accompliish even the smallest task.  It used to be that I would always set myself up for failure by coming up with unattainable goals, even when broken down into steps.

I’m going to try something new.  I am going to set a few non-lofty goals for myself.  Something beyond trying to make the daily goal of showering daily or keeping my kitchen clean.  Because those two things don’t happen sometimes, or even rarely at times.  

I just feel like, even though I am struggling with daily tasks, I shouldn’t hold myself back from something bigger until I can get those few tasks handled.  I feel so inspired by some of the blogs I read, people who are passionate about art or education or love or fitness.  I want that, too.  I would be willing to bet that some of those bloggers also have difficulty keeping their kitchen spotless or showering every day or that they have some other daily task they struggle with.  That isn’t holding them back and I am saying, starting right now, that I’m not going to let those little things hold me back from bigger goals.

I can so do this.  And so can you.

Snow Chains Optional

Day two of being snowed in.  I’m kinda liking it.  Didn’t do a single productive thing yesterday, other than make dinner.  I watched movies, got caught up on a few TV shows, blogged (duh), and read on the ol’ Kindle, all the while spending QT with DSB.

Today has been a little different.  No, I didn’t get dressed or take a shower, but I did watch two back-episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and the final Twilight movie.  I had to  take advantage of DSB  being out of the house, you see.  No Grey’s or Twilight when he is around, and here lately he hasn’t been out of the house much.

The recent snowfall has apparently created an itch within DSB to get out there and do something manly.  His huge truck is currently parked cross-wise on the driveway we share with he neighbors.  He made snow chains and a plow for the lawnmower this morning, but then the lawnmower became stuck mid-way up the drive.  The answer?  Big honkin’ Chevy truck to the rescue!  And then, that big honkin’ Chevy got stuck,. so he’s out there shoveling around it.  Wow.  

Since DSB is struggling so  much to be productive, I thought I’d get off my recliner and do some dishes, clean the kitchen, maybe even do a little laundry.  I am struggling some with feeling lazy, but am hoping that I can motivate myself to do a little bit.

I read a post (can’t remember where, or I would reference it) that asks if bipolar people should have goals.  I have mixed feelings on the topic.  For me, I have to get very reality-based with my goals, in that it must be actually possible for me to accomplish said goal.

That sounds simple, really it does, but it is a work in progress for me.  For years (and occasionally still), I will write a “to-do” list that ends up being pages long and is in no way realistic as to what I can accomplish in a short period of time.  I try not to do that anymore, because at end of day, I would end up extremely upset that I only crossed a few items off my list.

Now, I try and wake up in the morning and choose two things I am going to accomplish that day.  I also pick a “bonus” task that I might just get accomplished.  So many small things are still very difficult for me, so it is often like this:

1) Take a shower and put on clean clothes

2) Clean kitchen and cook dinner

Bonus — water plants

This might not seem like much, but it builds structure for me and helps me get the little things in life done.  I’ve tried to stop criticizing myself for having such a hard time with the little things, but most days it is the little things that get done and the major things that require some support from QoB or DSB.

For right now, I’m okay with that.  I don’t have any long-term goals, and don’t feel like I need any at this current point.  For now, I need to keep it simple and just keep making it day by day.  I am sure that a lot of people would disagree and wouldn’t want to live their lives that way, but I am doing what I can  to get by, knowing that at some point I will have the stability to do more.