Day one since I don’t remember, I’m feeling pretty decent. I got a good uninterrupted night’s sleep, I pumped myself full of iced tea, had a good chat with a friend on FB, and now I’m blogging. And I don’t feel cloudy-headed. Daresay, I feel pretty darn good.
Now, I am not new to the bipolar scene. I, as much as anyone, realize this could be fleeting. Realize that this could just be a little hypomania and I’ll have cycled out of it by midday. But for right now, I’ve got high hopes.
I’ve given myself a deadline of 12:30 pm to get off my butt and start doing some cleaning in my house. I plan to sweep and vacuum, and clean the kitchen. There’s laundry that needs doing, but its inconsequential laundry, like blankets I don’t use, and sheets I won’t need for another week. All the “important stuff” has been done and is ready to be put away. Okay, maybe I’ll put away some laundry, too.
The scary thing about having high hopes, is that they can crash ever-so-quickly. The scary thing about having high hopes, is that you share your high hopes with other people, and then you often disappoint them. The scary thing about sharing your dreams with other people is that they want those dreams for you, too, and they start expecting, maybe more than you can handle.
There’s a fear to having high hopes. A fear that more will be expected, that you might not be able to deliver, that the high hopes you had in the morning are gone by noon. There is a fear to getting better.
That sounds crazy, though, doesn’t it? Don’t we want to get better? I personally do, but at the same time, I’m terrified. What does getting better mean? Does getting better mean that I am going to constantly disappoint myself when I can’t measure up? Does it mean that people will pull their supports from me when it seems I can do it on my own?
What does it mean that I am able to read a book again? Or do some housework? Or write a thought-out blog? Does that mean I’m going to be setting up some new standard by which people will judge me from? And if I have a little setback, does that mean I’m getting sick again? And what if I do get sick again, or rather, WHEN I get sick again, am I going to remember what I did last time to get out of it?
Because I usually don’t. I go from well to sick to kinda-well to better to good. And then back down. It’s like a ladder you fall down and then have to climb back up again. And the rungs are slippery and sometimes you fall a little bit or lose your footing, and you’re just so unsure of it all.
The answer of course, is to live in the moment. Isn’t that the answer with most things? I have been doing daily diary cards and emailing them to the Goddess. I won’t say that I’ve been doing a perfect job keeping up with them, but pretty well. And those cards remind me that I need to stay in the moment.
Right here, right now, I feel good. Enjoy that, revel in it, dance around in it a little. Because right now, this moment is good. It is SO good. It doesn’t matter (and we won’t think about) that things could be shit in a couple hours. What matters is that right now, I feel good and happy and like I could be productive. I have high hopes.
This song is one of the happiest songs I know, and I have it on repeat. Give it a go; I don’t think you’ll be disappointed, no matter what type of music you like.