How Not To Fuel the Fire

I have been a plus-size woman for the majority of my adult life.  Some years bigger than others (ahem…some DECADES bigger than others), but with the exception of a few years here and there, I have carried quite a bit of extra weight.  I have been extremely lucky, in that I have developed very few medical problems this extra weight.

Yes, I have sleep apnea and slightly high blood pressure, but both are easily treatable — one with a CPAP machine that I am devoted to wearing every time I lie down, and the blood pressure with a tiny dose of medication.  I again say, I have been extremely lucky, and I don’t really lose sight of that.  I know things could be much worse for my physical health because of my size (oy, and the smoking), but thanks to good genetics or the moon pulling the tides or what-have-you, I don’t suffer much with physical ills.

When I first started this blog over seven years ago, I was quite overweight, although not nearly to the degree I am now, and I actually DID have some health problems.  I joined Weight Watchers, dropped a bunch of weight, and walked three to ten miles a day (every day).  Unfortunately, I had a knee energy when I (foolishly) decided I was skinny enough to start running, and the scale has been on the uptick ever since.

For the past few months I have been feeling quite miserable physically, and I finally went and saw my primary care provider, who ran a bunch of labs.  It turned out that my fasting glucose was quite high, and she immediately decided that I had diabetes and she needed to prescribe Metformin (a diabetic medication) and all would be well.

Well, hellz no, lady!  With the 19 pills I take every morning and 24 I take every night for mental health issues, I’m not going to just throw another pill on top of things, all willy nilly.  SO, I asked her to test my A1C (it is more of an average of your blood sugar levels over a much longer period of time, rather than just the one instance).

And my A1C was NORMAL and my mononucleosis test came back NEGATIVE and so I am celebrating because…yay…I haven’t totally screwed my body up yet!  Now, of course, this doesn’t explain why I feel so awful physically, but at least I know that most of my labs are normal, so this is great news.

I spoke with my provider’s nurse, and my provider would like me to mostly eliminate carbohydrates and eat more fruits and vegetables.  I am going to take this under consideration, but I don’t want to do anything too extreme as I have a history of eating disorder, including but not limited to extreme preoccupation with food and calories.

I have not participated in *hardly* any eating disorder activity since LarBear and I have been together, and I want to keep it that way.  I don’t want to get really focused on a certain diet that I need to keep, and end up back where I used to be — all-consumed by anything that went into my mouth (and, similarly, that which was purged).  BUT, I do want to be a healthier person and I really do want to feel better physically so I can do more things.

There is the push and pull, now, that I need to lose weight and exercise more, and I do know that.  I am grateful I have yet to eff up the one body that I have been given on this planet (although I have really put it through quite the cycles of abuse) and so I feel very thankful for that.  I don’t want to worsen things, and turn that next A1C that I have to have drawn in two months into a problem number, but as stated before, don’t want to restart the eating disorder cycle (because it is the biggest bitch ever to get out of).

Any constructive thoughts are welcomed, desired, hoped-for, et cetera, ad nauseum!  😀

What’s Up, Doc?

After three straight days of minimal sleep, I passed out on the couch last night, watching Medium, that we had DVR’d from earlier in the evening.  DVR is a beautiful thing.  I’m still not used to having a fancy TV or cable, and when I found out that we could set it to automatically record my favorite shows in case I missed them, I went a little wild. 

I am watching the shop today so that the Big Dog can go get a cavity filled.  So far, nothing exciting, but then again, the wind chill outside is -5 degrees.  Why don’t people want to go do outdoor activities in that kind of weather…hrrmmmm.  Somehow the Big Dog manages to stay busy most of the day, though, doing inventory and calling people and making lists and God knows what else.  I know that the big garden and outdoor show is coming up soon, so likely a lot of preparations for that. 

In related news, the boat show is this weekend.  I am really REALLY dying to go, so I need to mention that to QoB and the Big Dog to see if they’re wanting to go.  None of us would be buying a boat (because QoB and the Big Dog already have one), but it’s a fun activity on a cold day.  Plus, there’s popcorn and diet soda.  What more can you really ask for?

I have kept up on my walking.  I’ve walked every day since last Friday and plan to walk again today.  It’s really energizing; especially when Wizzah and I went at 6:00 a.m. yesterday morning and it was chilly and windy and dark.  She was very protective and hyper-vigilant, and when we got home, she immediately started running around the house, barking like crazy, just because all the cold and the wind makes her high, I think. 

I had an appointment with my pdoc yesterday.  It did not go as great as I had planned.  I went in and told him that I am having a hard time sleeping and that I eventually want to taper off Klonopin, but not right at this moment because I am getting ready to start a new job and I don’t want to go off the deep end in the thick of that. 

He stated that my sleep and revved-uppedness in the evenings are related to physical problems and he wants me to go do a sleep study.  He also ordered me to start tapering Klonopin effective that day at a rate much more rapid than I have seen recommended on the Internet.  Because this was not what I wanted to hear, I got pissed.  And stayed pissed pretty much throughout the day. 

Of course, I took it out on Dr. Love, who was also having a crappy day.  We argued a little and then I went to QoB and the Big Dog’s house to vent.  Let’s just say that they threw a little reality back in my face and told me why the doctor was saying it was a physical problem:

1)  I have taken up to three sleeping pills at a time, with no effect on my sleep patterns.

2)  I am overweight and possibly have sleep apnea.  The Big Dog has said that he has seen me sleep, and that it’s not a pretty sight.  Dr. Love pretty much concurs with that.

3)  I have a lot of the warning signs, plus the genetic predisposition for diabetes, which might explain why I wake up on the hour every hour and have to pee. 

4)  Related to #4, sometimes I am so fast asleep and need to pee so badly that I wet the bed a little bit before I can wake up and make it to the bathroom.

So, yes, I suppose it is possible that my problems with sleeping are physical.  Highly probable even.  I am going to call the local hospital today and see if they do sleep studies so the pdoc can make a referral, but need to check first to see if my insurance will pay for such a thing. 

Also, it is becoming increasingly apparent that I need a primary care physician.  It isn’t for lack of trying that I don’t have one.  I am on state-sponsored insurance and there are no doctors in town that are accepting new patients with my type of insurance.  I did have a great PCP and she left for private practice quite some time ago.  Let’s just say that I am well-known at the walk-in clinics. 

Thankfully, I have a gynecologist that will take care of my birth control and antibiotics for acne.  Between him and my pdoc, I am covered as far as the absolutely necessary stuff, but it would probably be good to know if my thyroid is out of whack or if I have developed diabetes. 

In somewhat related news, Dr. Love has agreed to start counseling for depression related to losing his job.  He is somewhat skeptical, but I think it will really help him to figure some things out and to learn some coping skills to help himself feel better.  I do my best to keep him active and give suggestions as to things he could do to make himself feel better and I listen when he talks, but that’s about all I can do. 

I really think he can find himself again if he practices willingness in therapy, which I have been trying to explain to him.  It’s all about willingness.  And I’ll mention for the millionth time that the book Will and Sprit by Gerald May is totally worth reading.  That book saved my life, along with many other things. 

I will have to come back and add a video later, as I am at the shop and there are no speakers around to make sure it will come through.  However, I can tell you that the song that is stuck in my head right now is…

“99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer.  Take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall.”

And for some reason, it’s stuck on skip, the number of bottles of beer never goes down…just 99, 99, 99.  I think it is an obsessive tic that I’m not able to shed right at the moment.  Whatever helps you cope, though, right?  🙂

Okay, home from the shop.  Here ’tis…

Sean Kingston, Beautiful Girls — this is not the original video and only does about 1:30 of the song, but it totally cracks me up.  If you want to hear the full song and see the real video, you can do so here.

P.S.  Big Dog just called.  Dr. Love and I now have VIP passes to the boat show…talk about having a great hook-up guy!