Contentment With a Side of Panic Attacks

Life is fairly good these days.  I’m attributing it to plenty of sunshine and DBT and working hard in therapy and having more structure to my days.  There are some big changes on the horizon, like moving, and QoB *finally* retiring (maybe), but those are good changes.  While my mood has been fairly neutral, I have been having some physical symptoms that have been giving me trouble.

Physical symptoms that I decided were lithium poisoning, because that is where the problem  usually is, but when that wasn’t the answer (after a blood test) and the urgent care provider sent me to the Emergency Room, I was stunned that I hadn’t thought of this:

I was having every single one of these issues, a minimum of three separate episodes each day.  So, apparently, my anxiety (that I *knew* was high, but, um, it always is!) is manifesting into more physical problems.  Also known as, multiple panic attacks a day with very high anxiety between attacks.

So while I thought that I was mentally very healthy, because I was not feeling extremely depressed or extremely elevated, and because I was not having more than my usual amount of generalized anxiety, I misdiagnosed myself as having lithium poisoning or something wrong with my heart because it has been so long since I have had full-blown panic attacks.  I should note that these attacks almost always additionally come with gasping, sobbing, and cursing on the side.

I beat myself up that I didn’t realize my anxiety was so out of control before having this little Emergency Room epiphany, but I think that I was just so grateful to not feel extremely depressed, that I decided everything else was “fine” and that I was just “physically ill.”

I still “don’t feel good” physically and am going to need to get in to see my psychiatrist this week, but I am really not looking forward to that.  I reported increased anxiety at my last appointment, and I do have a PRN for anxiety that generally works.  It is only when the anxiety gets really blown up and into a full-on attack that seemingly nothing makes me feel any better.

I am curious.  Have any of my readers ever had something like this blow up out of nowhere?  I mean, it probably isn’t really “nowhere” and I just can’t pinpoint where it started.  Thoughts, feelings of commiseration, home cures (hahahah!!!)?


Dog Comment and Quick Synopsis of Afternoon Events

I just found myself barking, “Kizzie!” as she was getting into the trash.  I read somewhere that it is a bad thing to scold a dog by using it’s name.  Both DSB and I do that all the time.  My mom does, too.  All of our dogs seem fine.  Or maybe I should start worrying about it, and worry it to death.  I’m pretty good at that.

I’m a little loopy, having taken my evening meds about three hours behind schedule and now just writing a bit in the hopes I can fall asleep.  Today has been a long and exceptionally  unpleasant day.

DSB has been fighting off many medical issues here lately.  I finally talked him into going into the hospital today, and it turns out that his ribs are bruised (from where he fell off the couch), and he has blood clots in his left leg AND in his right lung.  This is very serious and, after being in the ER from 1:30pm today until 7:15pm when they gave that diagnosis, I really thought they were going to tell him that his foot was broken (and that’s why he can’t walk) and that his ribs were bruised (and that’s why he can’t catch his breath and is in such pain).

Good thing we went to the hospital.  Good thing he finally listened to me and went to the hospital, is what I meant to say.  And now I’m going to bed, about two hours past my bedtime.  I hope this means I will sleep two hours later, but what it actually means is that I have now officially gone off schedule and will probably suffer for it the next few days.

I just felt like I needed to get a word out into the blogosphere, I guess.