Not Giving Up (On This Blog)

This blog is ancient, at almost seven years.  In the past, there have been times I have given it up for long periods.  And as you likely know, the last few months have been sporadic at best.  The decision for my parents to get divorced, to live separately, to not love each other anymore was more than quite difficult for me.  For a very brief moment, I made that my problem and stressed myself even further.  Now, I know it is not my problem, (of course) not my fault, and is (definitely) not for me to fix.

That’s good, right?  So I’ve had those realizations (months ago) and life should be gee-whiz awesome, right?  I do so wish.  Depression and severe anxiety have been constantly tormenting me, and while I now can have a few good hours here or there, or sometimes even a day, it is so very rare to get any kind of real relief.  And sometimes it just feels like I get smacked every day in the face by something new.  That probably isn’t reality.  It does FEEL that way, however.

I was so looking forward to Nano Poblano and I have totally screwed the pooch on that one for this year — I am optimistic enough about this blog to say I will make it up in 2015.  So it shall be, right?  I really admire all of the Peppers and other participants who are cranking out 1+ posts per day in celebration of NaBloPoMo.  I truly find some of you all quite amazing, and then also thankful that it seems you will not intentionally make me feel badly for my less-than-stellar performance this year.

I am here today to say (and declare, mostly to myself) I am not giving up on RosieSmrtiePants or blogging or dealing with my issues or anything else for that matter.  I want out of the “I’m giving this shit up” stage.  All I really want is to feel better, and I think part of blogging holds that key for me.

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Son-of-a-Bisquit-Eater & Thoughtful Tuesdays

I am not very happy with myself right now.  I have had a small relapse in the quitting smoking realm.  I find that the mornings are especially hard, when I am trying to wake up.  I gave in to temptation this morning and have had a couple of cigarettes.  I am trying to tell myself that a few cigarettes in 24 hour’s time is a big deal, and I need to give myself credit for that.   Unfortunately, I know that relapsing is a big deal and I feel like a failure.

I don’t know why I did it, other than that the cigarettes were available.  I think, had they not been, I would have pushed through it.  That might be an excuse, but it’s what I’m working with right now.  It is really hard for DSB to be smoking and me to be stopping.  He has been going outside, but the cigarettes are STILL AROUND and it is driving me crazy.

I need to work on developing some healthy habits that not smoking can center around.  I want to get out and take a walk, but my knee right now is keeping me from doing that.  I am getting ready to do a bunch of dishes and clean up my kitchen, which is how I made it through last night, but how clean can you get a kitchen before you’re done?

On a somewhat-related note, DSB has agreed to do the floors, as long as I can get the kitchen spotless.  That is a BFD in this household and, being as it is the chore I hate the most, a huge relief to me.  All that talking I did yesterday, when I thought I was talking to a wall, obviously got through.  I also think he was feeling guilty because he has done nothing but sit on his butt for the last several days.

I must say, I have had fun with NaBloPoMo, but I will be somewhat relieved when it is over.  There have been days where I have really not felt like blogging, but did so anyway.  Character building, right?  That’s how I’m looking at it.  So far, I haven’t missed a day and don’t intend to now.  In  honor of Thoughtful Tuesdays, I leave you with this:

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