You know when you’re feeling bad, it’s kinda hard to identify the positives in your life? I always enjoy TToT, but I’m having difficulty pinpointing what exactly it is I am thankful for right at the moment. Sure, there’s things I’m thankful for. I know there are. It’s just that this part of my brain is fuzzy at the moment. I’m gonna give ‘er a go, though. You should, too. Just write the damn list already, and then link up over at Considerings. You’ll be glad you did, once you get it all out on paper. I know I always feel better.
1) I am thankful for my new-found brother, Rock. My family has adopted all 21 years of him and he has truly been a lifesaver during this hard time. I blogged more about him yesterday, but I think he needs to be numero uno on this week’s TToT, because having him around has made things just a little easier.
2) Of course, the next shout out goes to my parents, QoB and the Big Dawg. I am thankful for them every week, but they have been especially kind and gentle and loving with me over the past several days. I have seen a wealth of understanding and compassion, especially in the Big Dawg, that I didn’t know ran so deeply. I don’t know what I expected, but they are coming through just like they always have. I don’t know why I expected any less, possibly because I feel like the most foolish, biggest pile of dog poo, and that I would possibly to be blamed for stuff that has happened, but that’s not how it is.
3) I am thankful I have four people by my side who are helping me take care of the practical details that have come up in this whole mess. The Big Dawg especially is taking charge, getting my lawnmower fixed and when that failed, bringing his own mower over to mow. Getting rid of the boat. Dad helping me take all of DSB’s medical supplies to the hospital to be donated so I’m not swimming in cardboard boxes. Mom feeding me and raking and burning leaves. Rock helping out with yardwork. Mom’s promise to help me get my house in order and revamp a couple of rooms. Without them, it is all so overwhelming. With help though, it can be done and I believe that.
4) I am exceptionally grateful to all the wonderful blogs I read for keeping me entertained over the past couple of days. I love them all, but find two especially inspiring, positive, and full of light. Cynthia Reyes fills her blog with beautiful homes, renovation projects she is following, lovely pictures of her garden, and just a little bit of magic. I thank her for inspiring me to keep going when the world is getting to me, and I know I can always take refuge in one of her posts. The other blog, written by my friend Marilyn Armstrong, can always be counted on to have several posts a day, containing anything from historical anecdotes to amazing photos to funny insights to rants about important things, like the lack of plug-ins in her home to the trend of not including user manuals in electronics purchases. I hold Marilyn’s blog in high esteem, not only because her written word and photos are lovely, but because she remains so positive in the face of so many difficult challenges. Marilyn and Cynthia are both beautiful people, wonderful bloggers, and if you haven’t already, you should go check them out. I promise you won’t be disappointed.
Cynthia’s memoir. It has received amazing reviews and I just downloaded it to my Kindle. I have no doubt that it will be fabulous.
Marilyn’s memoir that I HAVE read and loved, loved, loved. It changed the way I was currently looking at spirituality dramatically. Definitely worth a read.
5) I am grateful for rededicating myself to taking better care of the Kizz. I have always shown her a a lot of attention, but Rascal (Mr. Neurotic) always wound up taking center stage. Mom bought her a honking armadillo toy and hooked her up with some new treats (that DSB would not allow…didn’t believe in bones or rawhide) and also a new leash and collar. She is looking snazzy and seems to be very content to be the only dog again. I am getting her groomed next Friday (which DSB always discouraged for some reason) and have her up to date on shots as of yesterday. Kizz has been with me through thick and thin and deserves to be first, instead of playing second fiddle to another pup. She doesn’t even really seem to miss DSB or Rascal, but seems rather happy to be ruling the roost again. Oh, and without Rascal here, there is none of the constant barking from her. She peeks through the fence at the neighbor with interest, but no barking. Hmmph! What a good dog, and DSB always said how she wasn’t very well behaved or smart. Wrong!
6) I am grateful that I am going to be able to change my eating habits dramatically. When you live with someone who likes fatty, rich food and mostly refuses to eat vegetables, you become limited in what you cook. When you live with someone who eats everything in sight as soon as it is purchased, you stop buying certain things because it’s like throwing money down the toilet. I am looking forward to more fish, more soup, occasional ice cream, 2% milk, soy and almond milk, cereal, fresh fruit and veggies, and being able to keep my pantry and fridge stocked. If I ever have to eat biscuits and gravy again in the near future, I may puke. Actually, no more gravy period for quite some time.
7) I am thankful there will be no more whining or complaining about how much time I spend blogging or looking at other blogs or emailing. Talk about jealousy. I can do as I please, in my own home again. I can have soup for dinner and ramen noodles for breakfast, if I feel like it. I can keep my house cleaner. I don’t have to ask for permission to do things. I could go on and on with the things I am grateful for that I will be able to do now, and just can’t help but kicking myself that I didn’t figure all this out sooner.
8) I am thankful that the anxiety monster seems to have passed with the leaving of DSB. So much stress and anxiety tied up into that relationship — totally unreal. It has been two days since I have taken a Klonopin, and in those two days, I didn’t even really think about needing one. There is so much less tension, so much more laughter, and almost nothing to worry about. I attribute that to my awesome Team ‘o Four (Big Dawg, QoB, Rock, and Dad) for helping me to simplify, solve problems, and make life easier. I know I already listed being thankful for them above, but they are all a post in and of themselves. Love you guys!
9) I am thankful for having a good, great, awesome therapist. I sent her a list, a four-page list at that, last night about all the things that were better now that DSB and I aren’t together. Not only did she read it on her day off, she responded. And told me she’d always want to read anything I sent. She reads my blog. I feel like she is very invested in my mental health and, most importantly, like she genuinely cares about how I am doing and feeling. I don’t think it’s often that you find a therapist that gets you like that, but we’ve had a lot of practice together. I’ve seen her for the past nine years pretty much solid (other than a year spent fiddling with mental health center therapists) and then she was also my therapist for a couple of years when I was 16. She is amazing, totally deserving of her Goddess of Mindfulness status, and I hope she knows how much she helps me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without her support and guidance.
10) I am thankful for the outpouring of support over the last week. It is amazing to me how many people commented, wishing me well, offering advice, sharing their story, saying a prayer for me. A lot of people came out of the woodwork, because I was having a rough time, and I can’t say thank you enough for that. It has meant the world to me to know I have so much support out here on the Interwebs. I appreciate the reading, the liking, the commenting, the emails. Everything. You have all touched me deeply and I am immensely grateful.