Resurfacing After a Period of Extreme Selfishness

I have barely looked at another blog, have stopped interacting with nearly everyone I follow on FaceBook, have ceased communications with the small handful of people that I had usually communicated with on a semi-regular basis, and I went underground.  My friend Marilyn had talked to me previously about hunkering down and waiting for the storms to pass, and I guess maybe I took that to extremes a bit.

The positive news about my (relatively) short hiatus from all others in my world is that:

1.  I have been smoke-free since January 3rd.  Parts of it were hard, parts of it were nearly impossible, but I have made it this far and I don’t plan on turning back.  As a bonus to this accomplishment, I did this without totally wearing out my (now) miniaturized support system.  (as in, no dogs or boyfriends or close family members were harmed in the obtaining of over three months smoke free…yay!)
2. I have lost 67ish pounds since December, thanks to a healthy eating plan (that is sustainable in the long-run) and almost-daily aerobic exercise.  It turns out that “those people” were actually right about exercise being good for your mood, body, and overall well-being.
3. I have become “more social.”  That doesn’t mean I am hitting up the grocery store or going to parties or any such nonsense.  It means that, at the YMCA where I exercise every day, it is kind of similar to how it was on the long-ago “Cheers” sitcom, where everyone really DOES know my name.  I must say, it does make exercising easier, to have all of those supportive people around.
4. I have more “stuff” figured out in my life.  Although therapy  has been helpful, I have mostly grown in life because I am learning what makes me happy and I am learning to say “no” when something doesn’t feel good and I am (constantly) trying something new every day to grow myself.

I have missed blogging pretty terribly, and have missed some of my blog friends even more, but my hopes is that I can reconnect with people easier now that I am a bit more stable.  I would love to start writing in this thing again.  I don’t know if anyone really cares about that, save for me, but I do miss writing things out.  I have been keeping an altered art journal, and writing pretty regularly in that by hand, and I plan to keep that up, but again, am hoping to maybe throw a few words up in this space every now and again.

If there is a thought in your head that I have forgotten about you, chances are pretty much 99% that this is not the case, that I just needed to disappear for awhile.  I am not going to do a bunch of shout-outs right here and now, just know I have missed you and I hope we can catch up soon.  I am bringing a happier, calmer, and healthier Rosa to the table, and I hope you stop by and say hi soon!

These Things Do Pass, Only With Time

It has been nearly a week before Thanksgiving that I last blogged, and I am working really hard on not being sorry about that.  So much has happened in that space of time, and so much has remained the same.  I have had some people suggest to me that I shut down this blog, just as people have in the past when I have gone walkabout for longer than a few weeks, and maybe, in all fairness to everyone else that might be the thing to do.  For me, however, I have decided time and time again that shutting this blog down is simply not an option.

Because this blog is for me.  It’s my place to vent and think things through and scratch that writing itch and have a record (for myself, for the future Rosa, something for me to ponder light years from now when I am old and grey, when I get this world figured out a little more).  I don’t think it hurts anyone for me to blog infrequently, although maybe it is an annoyance to others at times, but I can always be reached here.

So the blog will stay, and I might write often and I might not, and some weeks I might stay up on my reading and some weeks/months may go by before I show up around your blog.  Life is not so predictable, and I’m not sure anyone would really want it to be, even though I know sometimes we wish for things to be slightly more predictable.

The crippling depression that plagued most of 2016 has mostly lifted, mostly after I was chastised for not using my sun lamp by my medication provider and ended up with a new lamp because the older one was so outdated.  And, whew boy, did it ever provide some ramped up rays, because I was feeling amazing, in no time, and before you knew it I had tripped into a hypomanic state, well on my way to mania.

So, for the last few weeks, almost a month, I have been trying to quiet down my brain while stimulating it constantly, because that was the only thing that was comforting.  The hypomanic episode slid into me deciding to:

1. Give up caffeine completely, cold-turkey
2. Give up Xanax, cold-turkey
3. Quit smoking, aided by nicotine patch
4. Reorganize and de-clutter several areas of my house
5. Drastically change my eating habits in an attempt to lose weight
6. Move more, in general, than I have in the past year combined

So far, I have stuck with all six of these things.  I went through most of the last month feeling like I had a severe case of the flu or maybe lithium poisoning, but it turns out that it was just withdrawal.  It’s over for the most part now, but my body is still adjusting and every day is a new challenge.

In addition to this, I have decided to actually start working on real issues in therapy, instead of the same crap every week.  I told my therapist last week that I thought maybe I was finally ready to do something about my PTSD, because it is giving me such trouble, increasingly so within the last few months.

I was referred almost a month ago into a medically supervised weight loss program, and yesterday had my initial meeting with the supervising doctor.  Just on my own, I have lost 18 pounds from December 15th of last year to now, and am excited (and slightly overwhelmed) about the plans for weight loss we made yesterday and will continue to work on.  I really like the doctor — she was very understanding and seemed quite empathetic.  She also at some point wants me to work on my emotional/mental issues with food and body image and exercise, and, as she says, I am not currently being treated by the mental health center for my eating disorder and I need to talk to someone about it if I am ever going to have sustained weight loss and a more healthy relationship with food.

I’ve honestly been doing quite a bit of ignoring everyone in my life except a few people, and that is  how I have been coping with all of the depression of last year and the mania recently, and because it is honestly just easier that way sometimes, but I have a feeling that once some of the PTSD issues are alleviated somewhat, that maybe I will be better about reconnecting with people, even though it has never been a strength of mine.

Change and more changes.  With the six things I mention earlier having been accomplished and/or continuing to work on, I finally feel like I have a chance at a much higher quality of life, and I haven’t felt that way for an extended period since long ago.

Hunkering Down: Wise Advice From an Even Wiser Friend

A rough few days had left me feeling emotionally raw, reactive, completely in emotion mind.  Without a shred of reason to be found within  my decidedly ailing body, mind, spirit, I phoned a friend.  Kind of like you can do on that show, “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,” although I’m not sure that show is still on or if it’s still played that way.  Either way, the premise is the same — unsure of yourself, phone a friend and get some insight.

I didn’t directly ask for advice, but she knows me pretty well and she told me something she has told me time and time again — not everything is because of mental illness, a lot of it is just life.  Life sucking, maybe, but just life, not a symptom.  Not something to have a med change over or make any sort of drastic change over.  Her advice to me:  hunker down, a lot of it will pass.

And she’s right, a lot of this will pass.  A lot of the bad feelings are from having several major changes and being uber-busy, and now the settling comes.  We are moved, settling in, the house is set up, settle down a little more, make new routines, practice better habits, interact more or less or not at all with certain people.  Change, a lot of it, over the past few months, and change, even more than that, over the past couple of years.

It’s time to settle down, let the dust clear, see what shakes out.  Feeling bad doesn’t necessarily mean I need to have a med increase or a routine change or for anything AT ALL to happen.  My friend’s wise words, “hunker down,” made so much sense when she said them.  They made even more sense when I sat on my front porch in the fresh air, with the sun shining warmth on my face, contrasting with the cool breeze through my hair.

It was funny when Dad said almost the same thing not even an hour later, except he said, “I’m glad you were able to defend in place today and keep from going to the hospital.”  He said that, because this morning I was feeling terrible enough that I was thinking of going to the hospital, and I cancelled on seeing him or my nephew.

So, defend in place, hunker down, that’s what is going to be happening for me.  Can’t hurt, might help.

Making Choices About Who to Give Love and Time To

At some point, I made up my mind to stop projecting my thoughts of self-hatred onto other people.  I mean, I’ve made up my mind to do that a few times within the course of my life, but I have really committed to it, at this juncture.  I had grown tired of feeling belittled and invalidated by the comments of others, and found that, while sometimes the other person was at fault, sometimes it was all in my head.

Even keeping this in mind, there are times in our lives when we have to go through the people in our circle, and evaluate who is helping us and who is hurting us.  Sometimes it is the person we least suspect who is actually hurting us.  Often it is a person we don’t think of often, who we don’t talk to much, or just aren’t that close to anymore who is injecting poisonous and negative thoughts into our lives at every random encounter.

This has been the case with my life, I have found.  I have shored up my defenses and boundaries, where it really was lacking and was necessary, but found that I had a few little relationships with others here and there, some I thought very important, some not so much, that I have recently realized that I would simply be better off without.

Last week, I went about the process of figuring out how to terminate the peer mentor process that I have been going through.  After examining what happens at our appointments, thinking about what positives this time-consuming activity brings to my life, I realized that this program is not a good fit for me.  Very little productivity comes out of these meetings, and it is all too clear that my peer support person is working on nothing with me, and is in fact harming me with some of her suggestions.

She suggested I quit DBT groups.  Wow.  Really?  I mean, yes, they drive me crazy, but they are one of the main things keeping me going.  She doesn’t take medication, and is somewhat anti-medication, as well.  She has a negative view of LarBear, and is very opinionated and judgmental.  I just don’t feel I am getting anything positive from the relationship, and in fact I generally feel more anxious and worse in general (about myself) after I see her.

So, I made the decision after speaking with my DBT therapist and my regular therapist, and QoB, LarBear, so on and so forth.  I am no longer going to subject myself to these appointments just because I feel like I *should.*  I am also not willing to be in contact with someone who is flailing along, while trying to help me.  If you are a peer mentor, you should have your life at least somewhat together, you shouldn’t be laying out all of your own problems at each meeting, and I shouldn’t feel like I am the one giving you advice at all times.  I don’t feel comfortable in this relationship at all, anymore.  It is therefore over.

And that is exactly the problem I am having with a few of the smaller, more acquaintance-type relationships in my life.  As if I have explained myself over and over, and the other person isn’t willing (or able) to change.  And in some cases, I just feel like the other person doesn’t care, and I tire sometimes of chasing my tail to make other people happy.  I need to chase my tail to make myself happy, not to benefit other people.  Sometimes there is only so much you can give of yourself to others, and if they don’t give a little back, you can’t keep giving yourself, over and over.

One of the biggest parts of my mental health road right now is to surround myself with people that nurture me, not those who hurt me.  I am putting distance between myself and other people for a reason, and one of the biggest things, is if you never reach out to me, I might just stop reaching out to you.  What happens then?  Change has to happen, is what happens then, and if no change happens, then I might have to give up on some things that I thought could be good, because it turned out that they couldn’t.

 

Ten Things of Thankful (Muddling Through, Not-Giving-Up Version)

Well, I couldn’t find a current TToT anywhere to link to, but I know that these things happen on the weekends, and its the weekend (I think…ha!), so I’m going to throw it up here anyway.  Life has been a series of ultra-rapid-cycling bull-stuff, going on, so some of this may be a stretch, and some of it might only make sense to me, but I’m going to continue on anyway, because I have made it this far, and I will not give up:

1. The realization that certain persons may not give a damn, to the degree that I had previously thought.  I really want to be done asking myself why I try so hard with certain people.  Other people, more deserving people, could be getting that love that is so thrown away by others.
2. The realization that certain persons DO give a damn, more so than I had originally thought.  I would really like to stop asking myself WHY (and questioning!) these people love me the way they do, and instead enjoy it.  These people, would be the more deserving people of the love I have to spread around.
3. Pandora Radio — one of the only things keeping me remotely sane, is playing nearly 24/7
4. Mostly positive Christmas celebrations.  Meaningful exchanges, warm conversation, good food, flickering fireplaces.
5. Love.  Even though I am feeling up and down, around and around, I still have love.  Granted, I am realizing that some love I thought existed does not, I have newly-opened-eyes to how huge the love is of certain persons.
6. The ability to turn my mind.  I may have to practice it over and over, repeat, repeat, repeat, but I CAN turn my mind, if only for a moment.
7. Not impulsively burning bridges, and realizing that this has served me well over the years.
8. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) — thank you for teaching me how to save my own life, once again
9. The possibilities of addressing deeper issues in the new year in therapy, possibly looking at doing EMDR.
10. Having learned to ask questions when I need validation or support.

 

Transitioning

Over the last year, blogging and Internet activity in general have slowed to a near standstill for me.  I realized this not too long ago, when I was without a decent computer to use for about two weeks.  I barely checked my email, posted on Facebook maybe twice, didn’t even look at a blog post, and hardly noticed.  What I did notice, however, was that I have started to do quite a bit of sit-and-stare.  You know, the whole three-hours-pass-as-three-minutes sit-and-stare kind of thing.

And I thought…oh, that can’t be good.  So, most of the amped-up anxiety is gone, most of the days.  Instead, there is a very active LACK OF INTEREST in once-pleasurable activities.  I don’t necessarily feel  too depressed, but I am certainly hitting all the DSM markers of it.  I am taking boatloads of Seroquel, and also Topamax now, as a mood stabilizer and to counter the ridiculous hunger pains that Seroquel brings.

I can certainly say that Topomax has almost completely abolished hunger.  This would be a good thing, right?  Well, yes and no.  Its good, because I’m losing weight.  Its bad, because putting ANYTHING in my mouth, whether it be liquid or solid, nutritious or not, just sounds nasty.  That includes water, so I find myself quite dehydrated at the end of the day.  I have been sick on a few occasions since starting it, and I find I really have to be on top of things.

Immense stress and pressure here in the last week, with LarBear having serious physical health issues and a very ill grandfather, and me dealing with everyday randomness garbage and seasonal change to boot.  I feel like I am somewhat on top of things, but mostly because of the great support I am getting from my dad and QoB.  I am used to LarBear picking up a lot of slack, but he has really not been himself lately, and I am eager for us to put this little stretch behind us.

Of course there are always hopes that I will keep up better with blogging, and maybe I might, who knows.  I’m going to try, and am at least better set up for it now that I have a new monitor for my desktop.  Winter will be here soon and I won’t want to get out much (even less than the nonexistent now…ha!), so I am looking for some new routines.

So, yep, that’s my story…looking for new routines, looking to put this stretch behind me, looking, looking, looking…

Late Night Musings with Rosa 12.20

Perhaps my favorite video of Tom Petty singing my favorite acoustic version of “Walls.”  This has been a weekend so far, of thinking.  Good things have happened, bad things have happened, and I need time to reflect.

Right now I am taking things in, because I notice that I have not been noticing life around me as I should.  I have not been being mindful and I have not been introspective.  I have been selfish with my needs and wants, yet overly helpful to those around me — often reaching out further than I really should, and perhaps what they needed me to.

This little thing called life that is going on right now, this piece of the puzzle, this particular scratch in the record — it will pass.  It must.  It must.  It must.  What lies over the horizon I can’t even begin to predict, and I know that is part of what is killing me bit by bit.  I am a planner and an organizer and I want to know what is going to happen when and with who and (sometimes) the why or how of it.

All of this uncertainty, from things as small (ha!) as what do for Christmas as to if I will still miss DSB and not want to get my heart broken again in the new year to what my nephew will be like as he grows from a baby into a toddler to if I will ever be able to lose the weight I want to lose.

And when?  And how?  And why?

It occurs to me now, as I sit typing this, how I have once again slipped into willfulness and am not letting mindfulness and patience and simple observation take me down the path I was meant to be on.  I am trying to control things that I have no control over, I am trying to change things that cannot or will not change, I am beating my head against a brick wall and wondering why I have a headache.

When I feel really bad, as I have for the last while (but not so much anymore), I tend to stop doing all of the things that make me feel better and that make me the Rosa that people like to be around.  I don’t particularly think that I am that Rosa right now to all people, but I know I am really enjoying my dad and my sister.

I fully admit that I can be hard to be around, that I can be too intense or too sad or anxious or too demanding.  Not everyone sees it that way, however; I can think of two people right off the top of my head that I intrinsically know don’t feel that way, that want my company.

But does that ever happen to you?  That important people in your life seem to want to take a break from you?  Does this mean that the love or friendship or whatever it is, is not there unconditionally?  Or does it mean that this is just people being human?  Or does it mean that you have overstepped your bounds somewhere, and this is all your fault?

I think the answers to all of this are:  “who knows” and “all you can do is improve yourself and change for the better.”  Goddess of Mindfulness has a funny idea about all of this, that she has been sharing with me since I was a teenager.  It is often the people that are messed up AND seeking help who are the most balanced, the most introspective, the most thoughtful, the most likely to change ill habits.

So here I am, “the crazy one” in a sea of “normal people” and I am by far acting the most sane.  That’s just how it is here in Topeka, Kansas.  App;arently I haven’t been drinking the water, because I don’t currently have the crazy.  But that doesn’t mean I am not actively every day seeking to improve and feel better and be more stable and independent.

The hardest thing for me to see is a person I care about suffering, who will not utilize the help that is available to them.  People have to really REALLY want to change in order to change almost every behavior or circumstance, and I am baffled when peop;le who are adamant with me that I seek help, won’t seek it themselves.  Because “that’s different.”  Well, no, it’s really not.

In closing, you do not need to be mentally ill to seek assistance and ask your friends/relations/neighbors/;pastor/anyone for help; in getting through what you need to get through.

I would like to remind that while this post is written as a general musing, it can easily be directed at many in my life.  I am purposely not calling anyone out on the rug, but I want people to think.

If you need help, ask for it.  It will almost always be given, in some form or another.  You do not have to suffer alone and in silence.

 

 

 

#reverb14 Day Eight: Connection

The hectic pace of our lives can make it difficult to remain connected

to the things and the people that matter the most to us.

We get wrapped up in our work or our busyness and connection falls by the wayside.

How have you created and/or sustained connections in your life this year?

For me, my family comes first and it likely always will.  When I was in the two-year relationship with DSB, I didn’t see much of my family.  He wanted me to make him my priority.  To throw away my family and just be with him.  Getting DSB out of my life in April of this year, I learned an extremely valuable lesson.  To please him, I had in many ways forsaken my family.  I stopped going over to Mom’s, I didn’t talk with my sister as much, I barely saw Dad, and wouldn’t let anyone (except Mom) into the house.  Never again.  My family is too important to me to let that happen again.  So when DSB and I disconnected, it was time to reconnect with family, and what a year for that this has been.

I have never been closer to my sister, Ab.  We talk regularly, sometimes three or four or even five times a week.  We text, we email, we  call each other.  She always stops by to see me when she is in town with Kyle and Baby O, even if it’s just for a few minutes.  We make plans for me to come hop and visit more often.  Ab is likely one of the busier people I know, but she always makes time for me, no matter what the situation.

Dad and I have developed a special bond this year, as well.  With Mom’s attentions needed more on the divorce and the business and her own life as she knows it, Dad has stepped up and become a primary support player.  He is always happy to take me to an appointment and has been there through the up and down of bipolar disorder, including a hospitalization and several major depressive episodes, with some mixed and mania thrown in.  We talk at least once a day, usually more, and we get together three to four times a week.  I grew up with Dad being a parent in absentia and now he is fully (and happily) present in my life.

Mom and I have always been close and we remain so even with the chaos and drama going on in our neck of the woods right now.  If I could say one of the things I am most happy for this year, is that I have (mostly) been in a place where I could offer her support instead of always just taking support.  Not to say I don’t need my Madre, because I do, but it’s just nice to be able to help, as well as be helped.

Over the past year, since NaBloPoMo 2013, actually, I have developed many blog friendships and now have a good number of people I consider as a friend.  Additionally, I have made a few extra special friendships and I would have to say that I consider these women to be the closest friends I have ever had, offline or online.  The beauty of becoming friends with a blogger you admire is that you generally have an overwhelming amount in common, and so there is much to talk about.

So connecting, reconnecting, strengthening connections — YES, check!

Text, phone, email, messaging, in person, send a carrier pigeon — YES, these all work… and must be used… the key to connecting IS communication!

Dark-thirty AM Gratitude — TToT

 

Found on tabletonic.blogspot.com

It has been awhile since I have participated in TToT.  It just seemed like the weekend always just slipped by me as I put it off again and again.  It occurred to me yesterday that the gratitude list that is TToT has always helped me immensely, as during rough times it is important to sit back and try and pinpoint the good in things, even as your mind is churning with the bad.  There of course some repeats that continue on from past TToT’s, but I am considering it a good thing that some of the positives in my life are static, no matter what hell is going on.

1). What started out easy has become really, truly difficult.  I am talking about quitting smoking, of course.  I have had a few relapses, I am sad to say.  Nothing has been permanent, but still.  I am thankful, though, that I keep on trucking even after I do slip up.

2). Secondary to the feeling good about trying to quit, is the ever-magical Atomic Fireball jawbreaker.  I have been going through these things like crazy and find they are what is best when I am having a strong craving.

3) I am grateful that (without smoking), I had enough money to open an Audible account.  I am really excited about the possibilities for audio books.

4). Related, my dad and I are going to start listening to books together and then have our own little book club.  We started Stephen King’s novel about a man going back in time to save JFK and it is really interesting and well-read.  Even Dad is liking it, and it is really not his normal kind of book.  Thanks to Marilyn at teepee12.wordpress.com for the great recommendation!

5) Speaking of Marilyn, and a few others out there, I have THE best, hands-down online friends one could ask for.  Ranging from an acquaintance to a BFF I talk to every day — even when I feel really all alone, I can hop online and then I am not.

6). It sounds like perhaps the Big Dawg isn’t going to move too far away, after all.  That in itself is anxiety reducing.  What I am saddest about it losing my family.,

7). I am thankful for my mom for so many things. She has been staying with me during the time leading up the divorce, and while there is no extra burden, I am just happy I can help.  A big plus is having her help around the house and just having someone to talk to.  And I think between the cleaning and the Kizz and the mouse traps, headway is finally beings made on the mousie infestation.  Thank heavens for that!

8). Kizzie once again also being celebrated — you just can’t stay too sad if you are playing with her or petting her or having her sit on your lap.  Dogs truly do heal the spirit, I believe.  And Kizzie is a very special dog.

9). I am thankful my writer’s block is over (knock on wood!) and it feels really good to be out in the blogosphere again.  I am especially grateful to anyone still reading, as I know those unannounced leave of absences can be annoying.

10) I am glad I have my Surface, especially since my laptop just shot craps.  I am getting used to the keyboard and touch screen, ever so slowly.  Thank you, my green friend out there, for introducing me to Surface.  🙂

To do the linkup (and you totally should) write your gratitude list, tag Lizzy, and put the link to your post in the linky-up-thingie.,  Hope you have all had a week wherein 10 things of thankful can be found

Permission to Be Happy

 

Or how about this — how about stop giving the dark side of Rosa the power to control smile, worth, and attitude?  To shame and to increase self-blame and to think ever-so-lowly of oneself?  To stop giving the dark side of Rosa the power to make all of Rosa so damn miserable?  To stop all the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the negative string of tapes that play inside the head?  To just stop it?

I am my own worst critic — always have been, probably always will be.  My mom has been saying it for years, as well as Goddess of Mindfulness, and I get that comment in this blog often.  I let the dark side of me rule the rest of me, until I am all dark, nothing I do is right, and I am a failure at everything.

Now, sometimes I can rise above all this.  Sometimes I can see that I’m being too hard on myself or that I need to give myself some credit.  I’m not always miserable, and so much of me has become accustomed to that negative tape in my head, that it’s not always so unbearably loud.  But it’s always there.  I don’t think any amount of medication or therapy will ever make it go completely away.  I just have to keep learning how to silence it slowly.

I want to give myself permission to be happy, and I think I am doing that more and more these days.  I am letting myself have friends without that deep fear of rejection.  I am connecting with my sister in such a strong and profound way.  I have Baby O and all his amazingness in my life — he makes me want to be a better person.  I am letting myself be open and honest with my parents, about my needs, my wants, my wishes.

It is a work in progress, but more and more I cede control to the side of Rosa that is standing in the light.  To the side that is resilient and beautiful and happy and hopeful.  Deep in the darkness, it is hard to find that side, but she is there all along.