Sometimes, the smallest things can bring inordinate amounts of joy. I broke into song when this showed up on my door step yesterday! Now I can actually write down addresses and phone numbers instead of asking people again and again for their contact information. What a concept!
That’s me, in the moment. I just came home from a two-plus hour workout (arms and cardio) and am feeling on top of the world. My relationship with LarBear is going great, I finally have some non-itch-producing laundry detergent and one load down, I am blogging for the first time in five million eons, and Kizzie is possibly done unearthing moles out of the backyard for today. Sometimes, its the little things.
Yesterday, the day before, the day before, so on and so on, lots of anxiety. Actually, lots of anxiety since my last ECT one week before this past Wednesday. ‘Tis a serious death anniversary week for me, one of my hardest, and it has been just as brutal this year as in years past. I did get to see QoB last night though and do a little crying on my Momma’s shoulder, which helped immensely, even if she doesn’t realize it.
A lot of the anxiety I am having is also because I am having a really hard time remembering things and am also, at times, extremely confused and almost disoriented. The beauty of ECT, though, is that I have forgotten a lot of the bad stuff, or, at least the details are not so crisp. Very few nasty and scary memories still play in my mind as if on a movie screen. Things are either blurry and hazy or not present at all. I am hoping some of that stuff never comes back!
I think LarBear and I are going to try going to church this weekend. Maybe. No commitments but possibly. We found one that seems promising, just have to give it a shot. I have been trying to find things to do to build structure, and that would be one of those things. I am also going to add DBT groups back in, as well as the good possibility of a water-walking class to go along with the water aerobics I am going to start doing at the YMCA.
Lots of good stuff here. I hope to be back soon, friends!
First off, Mom keeps recruiting me to do the heavy lifting. Mom read the weekly Daily Post writing prompt and thought that, since she is the queen of list posts (second perhaps only to Sheena), she would make things more interesting by putting me in the mix, since ya know, I have true cholo talent. This particular picture just has me out of my normal dress. I be rocking that flannel, those chinos, that wifebeater, that bandanna. If Mom could take a picture to save her life, she’d show you.
You’re not here to read about my daily life, though. You’re here to play a little drinking game that me and my fellow cholos call, “I’ve Never.” Smile if you know the game I’m talking about. The premise is that you get a group of people together, and each person says out loud something they have never done. For example, Mom might say, “I’ve never visited a winery.” And everyone would look at her stupid, because those aren’t the fun and embarrassing questions that normally get asked. If someone in the group HAS performed or been a party to one of the mentioned, “I’ve never’s,” then they take a drink.
The real reason Mom is having me lead this party is because she HAS done most of the things that will be mentioned. Since I am just a young cholo pup and haven’t done most of these things, I’m in the clear. So here we go! Grab your beverage 0f choice (and it doesn’t have to contain alcohol), and let’s get started.
We’re only going to twenty, but y’all could take it further down in the comments section. Just remember to play nice.
1) “I’ve never written two posts about the exact same thing, accidentally.”
2) “I’ve never inadvertently misquoted or misreferenced a picture or person.”
3) “I’ve never followed the last ten people who followed my blog, just to see if one of them is a real person.”
4) “I’ve never done a mass un-follow when it seemed like a group of people kept getting on my nerves.”
5) “I’ve never super-regretted putting my email address out there for everyone to see.”
6) “I’ve never thought shady thoughts about people who NEVER answer their comments.”
7) “I’ve never unfollowed someone JUST because they didn’t answer their comments.”
8) “I’ve never got up in the middle of the night and posted because I had something to say and had to get it out right away.”
9) “I’ve never hit “like” after only reading the first two paragraphs.”
10) “I’ve never used Reader only once and found it annoying.”
11) “I’ve never not accepted blog awards because I was too lazy to do the work that goes with it.”
12) “I’ve never followed someone and read all their work but never commented or liked.”
13) “I’ve never imagined what it would be like for all of my bloggie friends to live in the same town as me.”
14) “I’ve never been irritated with a person that posts three sentence posts, ten times a day. Unfollow!”
15) “I’ve never petted my dog all the while typing a blog post.”
16) “I’ve never been without a working computer and thought I might go crazy if I just couldn’t blog.”
17) I’ve never believed in the true good in people, until I saw it time and time again on the Internet.
18) I’ve never let dinner burn to a crisp because I was in the middle of a really good post.
19) I’ve never woken up in the middle of the night to check my comments and likes from the post I wrote right before going to bed.
20) I’ve never have thought some of my best friends would be from blog-land.
Mom is headed off to pee a river, because she had to drink so much, so she is leaving the ending to me. I salute you bloggers, and I salute the pups who go hours treat-less because our parents couldn’t be bothered to get up off the office chair. We must band together. Puppies unite! (and kittehs…I have other plans for you)
It’s Mother’s Day Eve and QoD had to have herself a fish-fry. I know, I know, I wasn’t going to go. I had 12 hours of sleep last night, and woke up feeling very groggy. I missed the breakfast I was supposed to have with Dad and his wife. I barely made it to work on time. But by 10:15, MAN, was I perky!
So I decided this morning that I was going to go to the fish fry. I just felt so GOOD and life is AMAZING and whomp-whomp-whomp. I can’t decide if I’m genuinely feeling just that good, or if this is still some hypomania trailing around. Probably a little of both. Twelve hours of sleep will do amazing things if you haven’t had much in the past month.
We had a little rain, so the cooking didn’t even start until around 7:30, which is way too late to start a fish fry, if you’ve ever been to one. We didn’t have any food until 8:30 and no fish until 9:00. That’s ok though because I had a great time chatting with everyone.
Everybody was there, Blue Cat and Rock and Tall Tale and QoB and the Big Dawg. Even Snickers, who used to work at the store until he had some medical problems that put him on disability, was there. I think a good time was had by all. The evening mostly consisted of re-telling funny shop stories and everyone giving each other shit.
Blue Cat gave me the most shit of all. He claims he’s going to “hook me up” with Snickers (who is also his best friend). I just don’t know about that. I’m definitely not wanting to be hooked up with anyone period, but Snickers is also a lot older than I am and has a lot of health problems. I hope Blue Cat is just pulling my chain, but he kept saying about it and swore he was being serious. I wouldn’t mind hanging out and having fun, but not on a relationship level, at all.
Speaking of getting hooked up, it is feeling really good to be single. To come home to a house that has only a dog in it. To not have messes cropping up everywhere. To not have to be somewhere at a certain time or worry about what he is going to say about something or to not have to cook a dinner how he would like it. Freedom! It feels amazing.
You know what else is amazing? I bought a container of bacon bits at the grocery store on Thursday, and they are still in the pantry, unopened. That has been unheard of in this house for the last two years. It’s little things like that, which make me oh-so-happy and grateful he is gone. I can honestly say that, so far, I don’t really miss him or Rascal. All I get is this huge sense of relief.
I think Kizzie feels relieved, too. While she probably misses the playing, Rascal was aggressive about food, territory, and people. Ok, everything. And he was the most neurotic dog ever, just SO high strung. He demanded everyone’s 110% attention, all the time. Now she’s just Momma’s little puppy again and it seems like she’s really, really happy. That might be me projecting my happiness onto her, but she sure does SEEM happier.
I probably stayed out a little too late tonight and was definitely almost three hours past taking my meds on time (yikes!) but I took them and the extra olanzapine about 30 minutes ago. I’m going to take another olanzapine and then one of these new flurazepams and go lie in bed and read. I will probably pay for all of this tomorrow, but right now I don’t care. I had fun tonight for the first time in quite awhile, and I wouldn’t take it back.
In the comments section over at good friend’s blog (Hi, Sheena! I’m sending everyone over to give you hell at NotAPunkRocker!), I have been convinced that WP is in need of some country music. It is sorely underrepresented in all of the music challenge posts that go on, and I feel the need to rectify this.
To do so, I’m creating a new series on my very own blog, called “Stuck In My Head.” Every so often, I’m gonna do a little brain dump of the songs that are currently stuck in my head. Almost all of them will likely be country, and I’m hoping to gain some converts to the genre.
Country music gets a bad rap. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the, “it’s about a bad day where your dog runs away and your truck gets totaled or stuck in a mudpit and your girlfriend is cheating on you and you can’t get the tears outta your beer.”
Granted, there is some country music like that. With the new series, I really hope to show the WP world that not ALL country is like that. If any of my fellow bloggers are country fans and want to join in, that would be super. Just link to the post and I’ll give you a shout-out in the next week’s edition.
Without further adieu, the top five songs running through my mind this week:
1) Luke Bryan, Play it Again
You’ll probably see good ol’ Luke popping up on this series maybe once or every other week. We listen to a lot of him in this household, as he happens to be one of DSB’s favorites. I especially like watching his videos because, HELLO, he’s hot! (benefit of country music is that most male artists wear tight-fittin’ jeans with their boots)
And this song? This IS my song. God love ya, Luke, for capturing the essence of Rosa’s excitement for that one particular song.
2) Taylor Swift, Mean
Now, Taylor Swift is my GIRL. She has bipolar disorder, yet is madly famous and down-to-earth and open. She is probably my favorite female artist, and I have all her work on my MP3.
This particular song? Kinda a nice version of a big eff-you! to all those people that brought you down growing up. My favorite lines:
All you are is mean
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean
I mean, that sums ‘er up for most of the bullies in our life, doesn’t it?
3) Dolly Parton, Nine to Five
Dolly may be old school, but this one is a goodie. Seen the movie? If not, go rent it now…it’ll knock your socks off! This is the lament of many a working woman (and/or man) out there. I used to blast this when I was working at the prison, to blow off a little steam. You might try the same. (Sheena, what would your coworkers think if they heard this coming out of your 0ffice? LOL!)
4) Randy Travis, Look Heart, No Hands
You remember that feeling, right? Coasting down the hill on your bike, closing your eyes and praying you wouldn’t fall? Maybe on a dare? Maybe because you felt so alive. This song brings me back to my youth, back to when I didn’t have a care in the world, and then to the forefront of love. And pretty much anything Randy Travis does is golden. Word.
5) The Lacs, Country Boy’s Paradise
That’s right, we took most of America’s hatred for rap and country and combined them. You have to take a listen, though. This is a super-fun song that should be played often during the summer months when it’s all about having a good time with friends and family and being out on the water. The Lacs will also probably make many more appearances on this series, as I totally dig ’em.
Inspired by fellow bloggers, Rara, Rutabega, Benzeknees, and Cats and Chocolate, I will be presenting five lists of five (yes, the title of the post is included in the first paragraph…isn’t that annoying?). I love these other bloggers, love their writing, their wit, their use of fun pictures, so I am challenging myself to be on their level (but will probably not use pictures…I’m almost phobic.) Without further adieu:
Five Things I am Passionate About:
1) Reading. On my Kindle. I read nearly everything I come across in a book review, as a book a blogger I read has written, books mentioned at work, by my family members, because it had a pretty cover. I do not discriminate. The need to read runs deep within me.
2) Dogs. My dogs are my best friends. When I am happy, they jump around like crazy. When I am sad, they jump around like crazy (and lick my face when I am crying). When I have to be away from the pups, I get very sad, and coming home to them at the end of the day is what I imagine it is like for parents who love their children. They are my kids, my life.
3) Grammar. I find very few typos and grammatical errors in my writing, because, where there are not rules, I make up the rules. I am known to overuse the comma. Me and the comma are tight.
4) Family. I work in my family business and see both parents most days, even if just for a little while. If I am not working and haven’t called or come by in three or four days, I get emails and texts and calls about what is possibly wrong with me. “We’re concerned.” It may seem like too much for some people, but I love it and I live it and it works for me.
5) Taking care of myself mentally. There are many things I must do to manage my bipolar disorder, and I do them without aplomb, knowing often that I have blown someone off or given someone the wrong idea or made it look like I am a slave to my routine. It’s not like that. I know what it takes to stay on an even keel, and I am willing and ready to do that, regardless of most consequences.
Five Things I Would Like to Do Before I Die:
1) Visit somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico with DSB and the dogs. Load up on all the good fish and seafood we can, and then put as much as we can on dry ice and run back to Kansas before it all goes bad.
2) Get married. I have DSB, so I have one of the requisite parts for this, but marriage is not likely in our future, for many reasons. I am okay with that, but I’m going to keep dreaming that one day he’ll pop a black box with a ring into my hand. A girl has to have dreams!
3) Get really good at taking photos, like with a camera. I am hopeless at this but see so much inspiration around me, mostly Marilyn. She is amazing, and if I can get half as good and collect half the number of camera gizmos she has, I might get somewhere.
4) Write something and get it published. A lot of people have this dream, and I am not super hurried or rushed or obsessed. I just think it would be nice to have something out there, that people can read or not read, that I wrote. Lord knows I have plenty of subject matter in my brain.
5) Have a real, in-person best friend. I have lots of online friends, but it would be really great if I had a go-to friend that lived even in the same region as me that I could see and visit with on a regular basis. It would be nice to have someone to go do things with, like visit all the junk and antique shops scattered throughout the back-highways of Kansas and Missouri. You know, girl stuff.
Five Things I Say A Lot:
1) Mother Fucker!
2) I forgot!
3) Let me tell you a little something…
4) Have a good one!
5) I love you
Five Books or Magazines I Have Read Lately:
1) Harbor Freight Catalog
2) Disappearing in Plain Sight by Frances Guennete
3) The Orange Buffalo by Grayson Queen
4) Most of the “Odd Thomas” series by Dean Koontz
5) Twelve Foot TeePee by Marilyn Armstrong
Five Favorite Movies:
2) Top Gun
3) The Hangover (all three!)
4) Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion
5) Forrest Gump
Ack, I’m so predictable in many ways, but this has been a fun list. There’s still time for you to do one, and don’t forget to link up to everyone at the beginning!
I have really been itching to blog since Sunday, but we’ve had so much going on, it’s been unbelievable. I know that’s not a great excuse, that there’s always a few minutes to jot something down, but, being the perfectionist I am — I can’t roll like that.
I went on a serious mania-induced cleaning spree on Sunday. I woke up at 3:45 (thank you, dearest mania…grrr) and got right to work. Dr. Love’s parents were coming into town on Monday and I would not have them think I live in a disaster zone. Of course, it wasn’t a disaster zone to begin with, but after cleaning, organizing, and clearing clutter straight through from about 4:00 a.m. until 4:00 p.m. (with a two hour nap in the middle, of course), you could eat off any surface in this house. Everything was just.so and it made me oh-so-very happy.
Sunday evening we had drinks and dinner at QoB and BD’s. It was rather fun (as it always/usually is) once we finally made it over there. I thought I would blog when we returned home, but I was totally exhausted from all of the cleaning (and all of the not sleeping) and slept from 10p-8a, which is totally unlike me. I should clean like that more often!
Monday at work passed by pretty quickly, and Dr. Love’s parents arrived in town around noon. I was very nervous about their visit, mostly because they would be meeting QoB and BD for the first time since we started dating. Yikes! Also, I really didn’t want to be at work, but wanted to go play and shop and do fun stuff with everyone. But, no, someone has to bring home the bacon and the prison looks down on skipping work unless you’re on your deathbed.
After work, Dr. Love’s parents took us out to dinner at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants, Las Fuentes. Not only were 99 cent margaritas on the menu, but they have the BEST queso dip. Who can pass up cheese dip…can you? Huh huh huh?? Didn’t think so. 🙂
A few margaritas later plus some amazing Enchiladas Nortenas, we were on our way to QoB and BD’s. I think the margaritas helped me feel more calm, and definitely put Dr. Love’s mom in a relaxed state of mind. We arrived at the house and, being the awesome hostess she is, QoB had frozen margaritas and mojitos. Mmmmm. A good time was had by all, Big Dog was able to tell all about the dramatic events from the last few weeks at the shop, and the parents were finally able to check each other out. And they actually really liked each other. Yay!
I think this was, by far, the best visit I’ve had with Dr. Love’s parents. I’m always worried about them accepting me for who I am, and I think they really got a good picture of who I am this trip and they seemed to still like me. I also got a lot of compliments on the clean house, which never hurts.
Only missing the “where’s the salt, where’s the GD salt,” my favorite audience refrain. 🙂
Margaritaville, Jimmy Buffet and Alan Jackson