Crispity, Crunchety, French-Fried Edges

I had been doing so well on blogging regularly, but the last week or so has really taken a toll.  I have been completely without two very important medications for four days one week, and then totally without any sleeping or nightmare medication for three days the following week.  Add that to a very busy schedule, and I find myself feeling a bit worse for wear as days go by.

Of course, I’m gonna come through it, and things are already looking up, but I am fried around the edges.  Social contact has become difficult — heck, I don’t even want to be around LarBear half of the time.  I just want my music and my sunlamp and for everyone to leave me the Hell alone.  I haven’t been doing much Facebook, haven’t been returning messages or emails.

This time of year is classically difficult for me.  I haven’t had a “good” winter in over fifteen years, and for the last few years have ended up in the hospital or the crisis residence shortly after the holidays.  Heck, this Spring, I even had to do ECT.  I still grasp at straws as to things that make me feel better, but sometimes it is grasping into thin air.

I have jewelry pieces I have been wanting to make for Christmas, and I have all of the supplies — I am severely lacking in the follow-through department, however.  They aren’t hard pieces, but I just look at the supplies, then out the window at the grey nastiness, then back in at the supplies, and ughhhhhh.  I cannot get any motivation going, and as Christmas approaches, the stress of not having these things done or even being worked on grows greater.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of flailing, sitting still, kicking and screaming against doing anything the last week.  I have been trying my very hardest to stay positive, to stay in wise mind, but I find myself full of negative feelings and emotion.  As much as I can, I am turning my mind away from those thoughts and feelings, but gosh durn, it’s hard sometimes!

Thanks to DBT (and almost 20 years of dealing with bipolar disorder), I have discovered a few things that work to bring me back to Earth.  I have been relying heavily on music, breathing exercises, building structure, building mastery, and routines.  Yes, I must have my routines — they may seem to be silly and frivolous to other people, but my routines are sometimes the only things that keep me going.

In addition to the medication issues over the last two weeks, I have been dealing with a LarBear who is struggling to deal with the realities of his (negative) family situation while embracing a “new” family that has traditions and celebrations out-the-wazoo.  It is overwhelming for him, and he has said as much, and has certainly acted as such.  I don’t know much to do except to just ease him through the season, but it definitely adds to the stress level.

Through the course of blogging today, I am feeling a weight lift off my shoulders, and realizing that this dang thing is more therapeutic to keep up than I had realized it still had the power to be.  If you are my dear friend, and I have mentioned a piece of jewelry for you for Christmas, know that it may be more of a New Year’s gift, and remember that I am human, and it might even turn out to be a “Happy February” gift.  Doing the best I can here, and there’s always manana, manana!

Getting Back on Track

Merry Christmas to all!  I have been up since 5:00 a.m. so I could see my dear Dr. Love off to work.  I wanted to send him off with a nice breakfast, but he refuses to put anything in his body besides Mountain Dew until at least 8:00.  Guess that means more eggs and toast for me!!

I appreciate the support I receive on this blog, especially from Pasha and QoB.  Very wise souls, they are.  I am receiving additional support from my SparkPeople site.  I have been very on track lately with eating and exercise and I owe a lot of that to the articles, community support, and food and exercise trackers.  I feel like I can actually DO this, LOSE this weight and get into a healthy zone again.

We went to the big city yesterday afternoon to spend time with my Dad, his wife, and my sister and her husband.  We had a really great time.  My sister made an awesome dinner of crab and mushroom soup, and cheddar biscuits.  We also had my very favorite hummus and pitas from my very favorite Middle Eastern bakery.  YUMMMM!  My sister is quite the cook and presents to us involved a variety of homemade candies, homemade peach preserves and pickled beets.  Even some homemade elderberry syrup.  My sister and her husband gave very thoughtful and creative gifts and I just hope they enjoy the gifts we are giving them as much as we will enjoy ours!

The thing I love most about Christmas is the giving.  I am really excited about all the presents we are giving everyone.  We gave my dad and his wife a water feature (fountain kit) that I think they are just going to LOVE.  They seemed really excited about it.  Kudos go to QoB and Big Dog for precillitating that one through the water garden store.  🙂

Many other lovely presents for our dear family, but I won’t be sharing any of the details until later because, well, my mom reads this blog and would just LOVE to get the scoop before it happens.  Love ya, Madre!  🙂

I am feeling really good today.  I have been getting back in my morning routine and it has made all the difference in the world.  Just in the past few days, I am sleeping better and am able to get up earlier.  I am love.love.LOVING my morning coffee and sunlamp routine.  I wish that I had found Cymbalta years ago, but am happy that I have it now.

I have grouped all of my holiday music onto a playlist on iTunes, and it is really awesome.  I didn’t realize I had such a great collection, but QoB still has a few CD’s I need to download.  Holiday music is one of the best things about Christmas.  I have been listening to it on the radio non-stop at work since about the middle of the month and anytime I am at home.  I am pretty sure, though, that I will be completely sick of it by the end of New Year’s.  That’s when Christmas will be over us, because we are going to celebrate Christmas in the middle-of-nowhere with Dr. Love’s family over New Years’ weekend.

Merry Christmas to all…I love you…and you…and you.  You know who you are!!

QoB and I like to rock it out to:

Mariah Carey, All I Want For Christmas is You