Well hello again (and let me pre-warn you that this post is all over the place: there’s kind of a brain-vomit all over the screen kinda-thing going on here).
These random comings and goings are quite annoying, for me, maybe for you, maybe not. They’re annoying for me because then I don’t SEE what I have been up to, written right there on the screen, and I have a tendency of FORGETTING life’s lessons, and so I have to learn them over and over and over.
A few weeks ago, my new therapist, fuck! I can’t remember what I named her. Something about cognitive disortions, so we’re just going to go with CD. This is what happens when you go too long without blogging, as I had mentioned before, you FORGET things. And you also forget that it is impolite to do all-caps but I am writing this with such feeling, it’s hard not to just throw capslock on and scream the entire post.
My mind is all over the place. What I began to say is that CD put me in a “Intermediate Treatment” group a few weeks ago. She was concerned about my higher scores of suicidal ideation, mounting depression, and feelings of worthlessness. Now, I hate groups. Hate. Hate. Hate.
I actually kind of like this one, and will be somewhat on the sad side to see it go here in a week or so. Sad, but true. This group focuses on your core values and then helps you figure out activities so you can meet goals based on your core values. You basically fill out a daily schedule, one day ahead of time, placing in it activities that you think will help you achieve your goal (based on your core value). There’s some other stuff to it, but the main thing is the daily schedule, pre-filling it, and then editing it as needed as the day goes by and shit either does or doesn’t. There is also rating of the enjoyment of the activity, as well as importance of the activity.
I don’t know what it is about this group, but there are certain goals that I was kind of working on before, but am really working on now (for some reason), and I am actually accomplishing them. I have been taking a shower every-other, to every 3rd day. That’s exceptionally good for me. I have been making it more a priority to read each day. To get outside each day. To cook dinner each night.
There are still some things that I just can’t quite get my head wrapped around, like keeping my house super-clean. I’m not even sure that’s an attainable goal. I think I need to break that one into little steps and go about it different. Today, when I was working on housework, I set a timer where I would work for 15 minutes and then rest for 5. Rinse and repeat. Wax on, wax off. It really did work pretty well and my kitchen is spotless and my horrifying laundryroom is totally picked up.
There are some things I really hate to do, but mostly that is to clean floors. And it is very necessary in this household, because we have two dogs, and one of those dogs sheds like a bad dog. We have more dirt than grass where they run, and let’s face it, they are just constantly tracking shit in. I don’t know how to get my floors clean and keep them clean. I try to mop, they’re dirty an hour later. So I don’t bother. I really do need to work on this. I think one of my big hang-ups on this one is that my mom is always talking about needing to clean her floors and has this near-obsession with doing so. And she always has. Forever. Amen.
DSB did some working around so that I am using an actual (very large) monitor, real keyboard, real mouse, and still using my laptop. We had thought the laptop was toast but it turned out it just needed a few driver updates and fixes. It is kind of like a docking station, except much less sophisticated. But I love it and today is the first day it has worked. So, yay! I am hoping this will get me to journal and blog more, maybe even catch up with the news. DSB warns me not to be on it all the time, because he knows there are other things that need doing. Like I need DSB to remind me what needs doing. Kind of like I reminded him to take the trash down to the road today, which he never does but is on his “duty list,” might I say. He took it like a trooper, though, and I am very happy it’s down there because it was very full and I know we’ll create a bunch more trash and I want to have room to put it.
And that’s why I did laundry, totally reorganized the laundry room, washed and put away dishes, organized the dining room, and thought about doing the floors today. To my credit, it is very muddy outside and doing the floors would just piss me off 10 minutes later. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.