Reasons I Might Be Losing My Mind

With the exception of “Dear God: You Forgot to Mention the Bad Parts” (which was one of my favorite posts of recent, but that received almost no attention…go look!), I have mostly been doing challenges for my post updates.  Lots of list posts, goal posts, thankful posts.  That’s all well and good, but I don’t want to be THAT blogger.  I started this blog to put it all out there and to process and to be reminded that I am flawed, but human.  I haven’t been putting it all out there.

I know we’re all tired of Rosa saying what crap 2014 has been (but it has), and it’s safe to say that my mental health has taken a nosedive once again.  There are reasons, though, this time.  There were triggers to the nosedive and I am going to say like I say on my tagline and “tell it like it is.”

Firstly, I have been going through a family struggle.  It’s something that everyone wants to keep private for very good reason, but it’s really been bringing me down.  I don’t know how many tears I have cried over this, and I don’t know when or if it will get better.  It weighs on my mind heavily, maybe more so than it should.

Then, there’s all the med changes.  No more Zyprexa and no tapering off the 10mg I took three times a day.  No more sleeping pill (a benzo) after a very short taper.  And remember the Geodon decrease and the Abilify upswing.  All 0f this within the last little while.  The no more sleeping  pill thing has probably been the worst and I haven’t slept in days.  I did, however, get a reprieve and was prescribed a small dose of Trazadone that I am hoping will work wonders.  I want to sleep, I don’t want to be comatose.  Hence getting off the other sleeping pill (plus, the sleep-driving just wasn’t a good thing).

The pressures to change my lifestyle.  Quit smoking AND lose weight.  Start exercising.  Eat healthier.  Taper down your smoking.  All at once, all coming at me from family, friends, doctors.  Everyone means well, I know, but I can’t do it all at once.  Goddess of Mindfulness told me today the same thing:  Rose, you can’t do it all at once.  She thinks this is a terrible time to quit smoking, even though I have been amping up for it for almost two weeks now.  She says I need to let my meds even out, start sleeping again.

Goddess of Mindfulness also thinks I need to focus on healthy eating.  She thinks it will make me feel better overall.  My dad really wants me to join a gym, after I mentioned that I might at some point want to do water aerobics.  The doctors are telling me no help for me until I quit smoking.  Everyone else just looks at me and my growing size and horrible cough and tries to recommend something.  Or just looks at me.

Something has to give.  Right now, in this very moment, my eating is out of control and I have to fix that.  Weight loss surgery somewhere down the line?  Maybe.  For right now, though, there has to be a change within my brain.  This is something I can do anytime.

Quitting smoking?  I will continue to cut back.  I will quit within the next month or so.  Can I do it all at once?  No.

Exercising.  I do want to do the water aerobics classes, but money prevents it, and right now I am so out of breath to do anything, that continuing smoking prevents it.

And all 0f the aforementioned squirrels just run around my mind chattering, and I am overwhelmed, and I feel like I’m losing it.  Something has GOT to give.

Building Rome: Serenity Now

Well, it’s week two for me of Building Rome. Building Rome is a challenge created by Green Embers and each week, we set small goals and then report back on the past week’s goals.  I also add in my every-day-gotta-do-it goals at the end, but to each their own.

This week’s theme is “Serenity Now.”  The quote that Green Embers selected for this post if particularly apt to my situation:

“This art of resting the mind and the power of dismissing from it all care and worry is probably one of the secrets of energy in our great men.”
– Captain J. A. Hadfield

Indeed.  Following last week’s goals, we find:

1)  Fail #1:  Send a handwritten card to my sister and step-sister letting them know how much they mean to me.

I didn’t do this, namely because I didn’t make the time or the effort.  It just slipped off my radar.  Maybe for another day!

2) Win #1:  Perf0rm one random act of kindness for a stranger each day.  A smile, holding the door open, helping someone carry something, advising where something is located in the grocery store.  Small things, important things.

I have been in the position to do a lot of this lately, and have happily done so.  My favorite was spotting someone a quarter so they could complete their purchase at Dollar General.  It’s just a quarter, people!  Out of the long line, I was the only one to offer assistance.

3) Win #3:  Talk with Goddess of Mindfulness about this constant cycling and what we can do about it, other than following the “crisis” medication regime.  Also talk with her about the mental  health center’s lack of follow-through with my needed medication requests.  Ask for her help in communicating with them.

Done and done and done.  I am back on my “crisis” medication regimine.  She explained to me the extreme understaffing at the center and suggested I make an appointment straight-away, as it is difficult to get in now.

Those were the main goals I set for last week.  The following goals will be for this week, and will embrace “serenity now.”

1) Take Kizzie for a walk at least three times for at least 15 minutes this week.

This will help my mental health, my physical health, and Kizzer’s health.  I often used to find that walks were good ways to clear my brain, and with quitting smoking, I need all of that I can get.

2) Set aside time each morning to read in the devotional book that my mom’s best friend, Glo gave me.

We have not made it to church now in weeks, thanks to our dueling schedules, and my lapsing faith is irritating me like a burr right under my skin.  Who knew that having faith was such hard work?

3) Continue to not smoke.

Smoking creates anxiety, really.  When you feel like you’ve not had one in a certain amount of time, it certainly increases those feelings.  I have plenty of anxiety on my own to deal with.  I really don’t need the help!

Now, for my four must-do-every-day-n0-matter what:

1) Take medications exactly as presribed.  I actually did a pretty good job this week, other than taking my morning meds late on two days.  I still took them, though, so there’s progress!

2) Take care of Kizzie’s needs.  I did pretty well on this, too.  She never ran completely out of water and I’ve already made arrangements to get some dog food picked up.  We’ve been playing a lot, and it is clear she would rather sit on my lap in the  living room than sit under my feet at my computer desk.  She can be a bit on the needy side, sometimes.

3)  Take care of personal hygiene daily.  I did a bang-up job of this, I believe, this week.  Smelling all fresh and clean AND, I put away all my clean clothes, so I know what I have to wear.  That is a big bonus, and it doesn’t really matter that I did it at 9:00 last night — just that it’s done!

4) Eat healthfully and mindfully.  Epic fail.  Too much fast food this week, and too many sugary drinks.  There has also been a lot of snacking going on since I quit smoking and I KNOW that this is just nervous energy — I just want it to stop!

So, if you’d like to hold yourself accountable and feel like making some new goals, check out Green Embers’ site for details and link-up.  I know I feel a little bit better if I have some direction in life!

Sorry there were no fun  pictures, but today is a git’ ‘er done kind of day, and I didn’t have time.  Maybe next week!