Things sure are a lot different than they were one year ago, six months ago, three months ago, one month ago. Mostly different in good ways, although I suppose there are some drawbacks (which I can’t think of right now, so maybe not). Timing is funny sometimes. I received an email from an online friend telling me that “inquiring minds want to know!” and my therapist told me today that I needed to blog again. I’m sure it’s also something that QoB has also been wanting to say. So, here I am, all bright and shiny and scrubbed up, ready to put myself back out there.
I seem to have this fear of being happy, having been unhappy for so many long periods in my life. I am trying this out, this new life that hard work and luck and self-realization and mindfulness has brought to me. It worries me when I feel good. I think I might be getting manic, and the bottom will fall out. I worry about that every day. Every day, there is a part of me that thinks, “Maybe this is all a fluke and the shit is getting ready to fly.” It is very difficult to get away from this way of thinking. I am working on it, and part of that is all of the work I have been doing on self-acceptance lately.
Does self-acceptance come from self-love or does self-love come from self-acceptance? It’s complicated, all twisted together. I have been treating myself increasingly better each day since Dr. Love left for greener pastures in February. At first I was angry, shocked, lost, upset. I took every phone call or text message as a sign we might get back together. Over time, I realized that I really didn’t want to get back together, wasn’t sure I even wanted to talk to him anymore, and it was a relief that those two and a half years were over. Such a relief.
That sense of relief has increased even more in the past month or so. Moving up North has been the best thing for me. I love my new house and am working on making it mine. Are there things I want to still do? Of course, but that is what I am hoping will keep me going this winter…projects. I always do better when I have a mission. Living closer to family and friends has made things easier to access people who love me and care about me, and has made me feel like less of a visitor in my own life, if that makes any sense. I feel like I am at home. Here in my house, in my heart, deep down inside, I am home. It is a comforting feeling and, when I look back upon past years of my life, I think that is what I have been looking for all along. To feel at home within myself.
I have been able to go to therapy less often lately. I am now down to every three weeks and it is very manageable. The really great thing is that I have a therapist that would find time for me in a quick second if things started feeling bad, or if I just needed to talk something through. I feel intensely grateful for this. Intensely grateful that this person is a part of my life.
I saw QoB today and it really hit me how much she means to me. Sometimes I can take her for granted, or be dismissive in my own head. But she is always always always there for me, whatever it is. She takes care of me when I need it, and lets me do my thing when that is what needs to happen. She is never anything but loving and she is also my best friend. I don’t think that is weird, to have your mom be your best friend. We do it in a healthy way and I think that, more than anything, she is the person who has helped me come to where I am. I think we count on each other for certain things and I think that’s ok. It has taken a long time for me to realize that. I am glad I have finally come around. People on the outside don’t get it, but we make it work.
I have all of this peace and love inside me, and I feel like I am a dramatically more friendly person than I was even one year ago. I get along better with people at work, always have a smile for people, and do my best to always be positive with the staff and offenders I work with at the facility. I think overall I feel like I am a “good person,” whatever that means. I genuinely care about other people and I think that can be a unique thing after working for over ten years in a helping field. There is negativity all around, and I try to just let it fall down around me. Sure, it bothers me, but I can’t let all of the BS drag me down into the mire. Sometimes I find that I need to take what most everyone says with a grain of salt and just use the parts that apply to me that are healthy and sane. Sometimes not much is left, once you take out the unhealthy and the crazy, but some sweet pearls of wisdom are still out there to be had and I sift through sand to find them.