Everything Changes

Things sure are a lot different than they were one year ago, six months ago, three months ago, one month ago.  Mostly different in good ways, although I suppose there are some drawbacks (which I can’t think of right now, so maybe not).  Timing is funny sometimes.  I received an email from an online friend telling me that “inquiring minds want to know!” and my therapist told me today that I needed to blog again.  I’m sure it’s also something that QoB has also been wanting to say.  So, here I am, all bright and shiny and scrubbed up, ready to put myself back out there.

I seem to have this fear of being happy, having been unhappy for so many long periods in my life.  I am trying this out, this new life that hard work and luck and self-realization and mindfulness has brought to me.  It worries me when I feel good.  I think I might be getting manic, and the bottom will fall out.  I worry about that every day.  Every day, there is a part of me that thinks, “Maybe this is all a fluke and the shit is getting ready to fly.”  It is very difficult to get away from this way of thinking.  I am working on it, and part of that is all of the work I have been doing on self-acceptance lately.

Does self-acceptance come from self-love or does self-love come from self-acceptance?  It’s complicated, all twisted together.  I have been treating myself increasingly better each day since Dr. Love left for greener pastures in February.  At first I was angry, shocked, lost, upset.  I took every phone call or text message as a sign we might get back together.  Over time, I realized that I really didn’t want to get back together, wasn’t sure I even wanted to talk to him anymore, and it was a relief that those two and a half years were over.  Such a relief.

That sense of relief has increased even more in the past month or so.  Moving up North has been the best thing for me.  I love my new house and am working on making it mine.  Are there things I want to still do?  Of course, but that is what I am hoping will keep me going this winter…projects.  I always do better when I have a mission.  Living closer to family and friends has made things easier to access people who love me and care about me, and has made me feel like less of a visitor in my own life, if that makes any sense.  I feel like I am at homeHere in my house, in my heart, deep down inside, I am home.  It is a comforting feeling and, when I look back upon past years of my life, I think that is what I have been looking for all along.  To feel at home within myself.

I have been able to go to therapy less often lately.  I am now down to every three weeks and it is very manageable.  The really great thing is that I have a therapist that would find time for me in a quick second if things started feeling bad, or if I just needed to talk something through.  I feel intensely grateful for this.  Intensely grateful that this person is a part of my life.

I saw QoB today and it really hit me how much she means to me.  Sometimes I can take her for granted, or be dismissive in my own head.  But she is always always always there for me, whatever it is.  She takes care of me when I need it, and lets me do my thing when that is what needs to happen.  She is never anything but loving and she is also my best friend.  I don’t think that is weird, to have your mom be your best friend.  We do it in a healthy way and I think that, more than anything, she is the person who has helped me come to where I am.  I think we count on each other for certain things and I think that’s ok.  It has taken a long time for me to realize that.  I am glad I have finally come around.  People on the outside don’t get it, but we make it work.

I have all of this peace and love inside me, and I feel like I am a dramatically more friendly person than I was even one year ago.  I get along better with people at work, always have a smile for people, and do my best to always be positive with the staff and offenders I work with at the facility.  I think overall I feel like I am a “good person,” whatever that means.  I genuinely care about other people and I think that can be a unique thing after working for over ten years in a helping field.  There is negativity all around, and I try to just let it fall down around me.  Sure, it bothers me, but I can’t let all of the BS drag me down into the mire.  Sometimes I find that I need to take what most everyone says with a grain of salt and just use the parts that apply to me that are healthy and sane.  Sometimes not much is left, once you take out the unhealthy and the crazy, but some sweet pearls of wisdom are still out there to be had and I sift through sand to find them.

Bruce Springsteen, Secret Garden



ABC 123

Life has been quite the struggle later.  Between crippling anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, negative tapes, and insecurity, it’s been miserable.  I think I had a real wake-up call when I realized I was spending five to six nights per week at QoB’s house, calling Goddess of Mindfulness frequently, and being told to get a grip by my med doc.  Sometimes you don’t realize how bad it is getting until you’re already there.

So, I made a conscious decision to do things to make myself feel better.  I have started taking my Cymbalta regularly.  I am doing my sunlamp every morning.  I have tried to decrease my dependence on QoB and Big Dog by not going over every night, and instead, getting things done around my house.  Staying busy has been the key.

I know that both Dr. Love and QoB say it is ok to just “hang” but there are so many things that I want to do that I haven’t been doing due to the lack of motivation that depression and anxiety brings, that it is feeling good to get caught up.

I have cleaned the top two levels of my house, and it’s just a matter of time before I get the basement finished.  I’ve tackled some small projects that have been bugging me, and have been working at building mastery by cooking.  I have also really been working on mindfulness, especially in regards to my eating habits.  I find that if I pay attention, I am not really hungry during the times when I was usually eating.

It doesn’t take as much as I think it does to feel satisfied, and the integration of some new-found foods has much helped.  I was really in a rut with eating junk food and am now eating a lot of vegetables and some fruit.  I have also been concentrating on eating whole grains, and limiting sugar and salt.  No more empty carbs!

For example, I have been eating a lot of spinach salads, squash, sweet potatoes, brown rice, chicken breast, and the like.  I am making a meatloaf for dinner tonight that isn’t particularly healthy (covered in bacon), but it’s for Dr. Love and he deserves some good comfort food, taking a break from eating work food.  I fully believe that I can be rational about the meatloaf and just eat a normal portion.  YES I CAN!

Sacred self has also been a big part in feeling better.  I took Kizz for a walk last night and am trying to get into that routine.  I bought myself some new shower stuff and am spending time doing things that I enjoy.  Some of the skills mix together, but it never ceases to amaze me how much they work.  I am not keeping a diary card, but maybe I should be.

Back to basics, baby.  Goddess of Mindfulness and the IOP program gave me the greatest gift — my DBT skills — and they are something I can always bring more focus onto when the going gets rough.  It’s just getting around the willfulness that depression and anxiety create.

Keane, Somewhere Only We Know

The Pieces Fall Together

I have been horrible about blogging, so far out of my past routine that it seems as if that time was in a past life.  In a way, it was.  Life is totally different now.  My outlook, my goals, what I know, what I want and don’t want.  There is a clarity to my thoughts and I am also more able to play things forward in my head so that I don’t do anything too impulsive (at least sometimes).  Much less self-destructive behavior, if nothing else. 

I received an email the week before last, recruiting me to work at the state prison.  They had my resume on file from something I applied for last September, and requested I come in for an interview.  I’ve never been recruited for a job before…very flattering.  They knew me from work that I did with some of their inmates when I was at the mental health center.  At any rate, the clinical director called me yesterday and offered me the job. 

I almost have to pinch myself to make sure it’s real.  My role will be coordinating inmate discharges from the prison, making sure people have mental health and medical care, applying for benefits for them, etc.  The hours are 8-5, Monday thru Friday.  All of my work is done there at the prison…no putting inmates in my car, traveling to meet inmates, going into their homes after they leave.  There are no weekends, holidays, on-call, evenings.  They have a great benefits package.  I’ll actually accrue sick leave and vacation time at a normal rate again.  Oh, and it pays more than what I was making at the mental health center, by over a dollar, and more than what I am making now by almost six dollars an hour.  Bills will be much easier to pay now. 

So, yay!

I have been sick since Tuesday with bronchitis, a sinus infection, and laryngitis.  My voice is starting to come back and I have a little more energy.  I am going to try and make it through a day of work today, which I haven’t been able to do since Monday. 

It was really nice outside yesterday and Matt and I took Kizzer for a walk (she was beyond excited, let’s say!) and then came home and did the Bowflex (that Matt set up in the basement) for about 30 minutes.  I felt really REALLY good about myself afterwards.  Afterward, I made spaghetti with Italian sausage and broccoli while Matt went to tae kwan do.  He came home, we chatted and I did some stuff online while he applied for jobs.  We ate together and then watched one of our favorite TV shows, Battlestar Galactica, and then I read for awhile and went to bed.  I told Matt that I felt best when I follow a routine like that and he also agrees that it’s something he could get into easily. 

With getting off work at 5:00 p.m. now, I will really have no excuse to not get into and stay in a routine, other than sheer laziness and willfulness.  You don’t realize how much you miss that kind of stability until it is gone.  I felt so good at the end of the day yesterday!

So here in a few minutes, I’m going in to work for my shift and am turning in my resignation.  My last day will be Friday and then I will start at the prison on Monday.  I’m beyond excited. 

Regina Spektor, Fidelity


No worries, Adriana.  Your blog award is the very next post which will be typed right after I finish this one.  Yours takes more creativity and I have to warm up first.  🙂

Okay, a very ridiculously long time has passed since my last post.  I find it PREFER-able 🙂  to post more frequently and know that my faithful 13.79 fans would also appreciate this.  Unfortunately, I have a hard time making it to the computer some days and on most days an even harder time offering up what has been going on lately. 

So I survived the holidays.   They weren’t painful this year as some years they have been, although I did have a good four-hour cry a few days before Christmas that Matt witnessed as my first real freaking out in front of him.  As QoB told him last night, “meh, that’s nothing.”

I attribute some of this holiday joy to the fact that I did nothing with DHut’s relatives.  They got together, QoB and DHut were invited via a phone call, Ab was called by one of their party, I was not.  I don’t really take this personally since I have pretty much written off that side of the family other than one uncle and one aunt.  Does it hurt in some deep dark place?  I pondered that, and the answer is, no, not really.  I just chalk it up to one more reason why they’re not my kind of people. 

Christmas this year was very laid-back.  For the most part, we made presents for each other and didn’t do up a big meal.  It was a very thoughtful and meaningful Christmas, all around.

For New Years, Matt worked a double and I worked 8-5.  He came home, we ate dinner, and watched the ball drop on TV (which is not nearly as cool as it used to be).  We then promptly went to bed.  I had to work early the next morning and so did he.  My hard-core partying days have been over for awhile now.  Hallelujah and Amen and pass the damn salt, Fannie.

Since the holidays have been over, I’ve just been doing my thing, working and spending time with Matt and QoB and DHut and sleeping.  I’ve been working on not spending money, and now that we’re over our little post Christmas spending spree, I think we’re done for awhile.

The past few days have been a wee bit stressful on me and a lot on Matt.  He is losing his job officially on Monday and nothing else is concrete yet.  We have some leads and he has money in savings, so we’re not terrified yet, but any well wishes sent toward us would be welcome. 

Matt and I are going to start working on being more social (bleh) and getting out more.  We’re going to go watch basketball this Wednesday and have other plans to go to the movies and get out for some good walks on the trails at a nearby lake.  My schedule is changing from second shift to more days and mid-shift, so hopefully I will be able to get into more of a routine, as it is absolutely necessary for my mental health (which I sometimes neglect). 

Work has been going really well for me.  My six-month review went great and I’ve had one official atta-boy since the first of the year and was just told that a few more were in store for me here in the upcoming week.  I am thinking about putting in for a supervisory position, but haven’t totally decided yet.  Retail is really suiting me and has really provided the break from clinical work that I have needed.  I have no desire to return, other than to make that kind of money again. 

Bonnie Raitt and Norah Jones, Tennessee Waltz

Glorious Day Off

Today, Matt and I both have the day off.  This in itself is fairly rare.  To add to the gloriousness of it, we don’t have our day jam-packed with things to do.  We are going to be people of leisure.  I told him that there would be no housework, no errands to run.  I managed to get the house clean, the laundry done, and the weekly grocery run completed in the last few days so we should be able to stick to that. 

We are going to go visit my dear godmother, The Bird Lady, and eat chips and dip and be merry.  It will be really good to see her and I can’t wait for her to meet Matt.  I am hoping that she approves because her opinion means a lot to me.  She’s a very neat and interesting lady, with a house full of fabulously eclectic things (just like Mom and me!), a lot of which she has made or restored.  She’s a great story-teller and always sends her email updates to friends and family so that we know what is going on with her, and a lot of times she writes about her childhood and younger years.  I save these emails to show to my children and grandchildren someday, almost like bedtime stories. 

We are also going to celebrate Christmas with Dad and Karen tonight.  I think we’re eating a nice dinner first and then opening presents.  Every year, Dad and Karen give everyone a huge box of assorted food and snacks from around the world.  They hit all of the fun stores in KC, Lawrence, and small towns they visit and come up with some of the neatest stuff.  Oh, and there’s the yearly calendar.  Dad has given wall calendars every year since I can remember.  One year he didn’t, and everyone was really disappointed, because we really do depend on that coming in.  Kind of like when Mom didn’t put electronic toothbrush heads in our stockings and we all freaked out.  🙂

So, Matt and I are off to do some shopping.  I think we’re going to hit the mall and buy me some jeans and check out the candy store that is in there, because Matt has never seen it and, well, the man does love his candy.  We are also going to Famous Footwear because he desparately needs a new pair of tennis shoes and then we’re going to one of the various pet stores to pick up Kizzer some chew toys so that she will stop eating random objects around the house.  🙂

I think today calls for a little Barry White.

Barry White, Can’t Get Enough of Your Love

Brain Dump

For the final 118 minutes of today, Saturday, the 27th of December, year of our Lord 2008, I am going to not care about what anyone thinks of me.  I have spent far too much time today consumed by it.  I am also not going to worry about that which I cannot change, which I spend hour upon hour obsessing about, on a daily basis. 

I have never been diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder.  Have I, at times, often even, felt unbearably-crawling-out-of-my-skin anxious?  Hell yes.  I’m trying not to work myself up to that point right at this very moment.  It has been explained to me that these feelings of anxiety are merely a symptom of PTSD, that the racing thoughts and obsessive thinking are only signs of my bipolar disorder.  That’s fine.  I don’t want another label.  Spare me. 

I have been given tools through DBT that enable me to work through my anxiety, to live with lower levels of it.  I distract myself with music, blogging, reading, talking on the phone, cleaning.  I self-soothe by taking a shower, painting my toenails, eating something I don’t eat often, playing with my hair, petting my dog. 

When I can’t distract or self-soothe my way out of it, I problem-solve.  What can I do to remedy the situation that has me obsessively thinking thinking THINKING?  In general, I end up calling the source of my anxiety (if the source is a person) and apologizing or clarifying something I had said earlier.  I spend entirely too much time thinking that I have said something wrong, done something wrong, made someone mad.

The funny thing is that I behave as if I don’t care what anyone thinks.  I say what I’m thinking, always.  To a fault.  I put this blog address up on Facebook and invite every soul I went to high school with into my brain.  At work, I don’t feel the need to really censor myself, although I generally tone down my personality a bit.  People at work think I’m “bubbly.”  That word was actually said.  By more than one person.  Oh, and “friendly.”  People at my old job thought I was a hardass bitch.  As QoB points out, funny that when I hated my job, people disliked me and now that I like my job, people seem to really like me.

But I would like to think that something at my core has changed.  That I have become a friendlier, less crazy-ex-girlfriend, more mellow person.  I know that I feel like a friendlier, less crazy person. 

Something that I have discovered about myself recently is that I am bitterly judgemental.  Mostly of myself, sometimes of other people.  Sometimes I shock myself by the thoughts I have when I say them out loud.  Then, I look around to make sure nobody heard.  Kind of like when Grandma calls the waitstaff at the nursing home “colored” and you glance around to make sure nobody noticed. 

All of this poison, mostly self-directed, in my head can’t be good for me.  For awhile, I was doing a pretty good job at releasing it, but now it’s as if my aura is blocked and I am turning purple.  That may sound stupid to some people, sometimes it sounds stupid to me, but it’s something I believe.  So here I am, on my blog, releasing my poison, so that I can go back to that pleasant fuzzy peach color that hints at sunshine or even the cool, calm seafoam green that I painted all over my bathroom walls.

This is what I have been missing.  The dumping grounds for my mind.  This post may not make much sense, but it sure made me feel better.  It’s good to be home.

I don’t blog about it much, or ever, but I feel a spiritual connection with someone higher through music.  The YouTube for today makes me feel clean again, after I have rolled around in the grime of my mind all day.

Alison Krauss, Down to the River to Pray

Gotta Do What You’ve Gotta Do

I’m barely able to keep my eyes open this morning, even though I was a good girl and went to bed at a decent time last night and got about 8 hours of sleep.  I just have energy.  I think it has a lot to do with the cyproheptadine I took last night.  My old pdoc prescribed it for me for nightmares, and it really conks me out.  I just needed to sleep last night, so I took some.  I can barely wait until I see my regular pdoc the first part of February and can try something different, because this not being able to stay asleep thing at night is just killing me.  I know it will get better, as well, once Matt and I are both off second shift, which should happen here in the next couple of weeks. 

I got off work last night at 5:00 p.m. because I switched with someone and it was amazing how much I got done that evening.  I think that’s the earliest I’ve been off work since I started working at the home improvement store, and I had almost forgotten what it’s like to have the entire evening to get missions accomplished.  It was really nice.

I went and saw QoB and DHut last night and had a pretty good time.  We’re working on my phone bill, because it’s outrageous compared to the amount of money I make.  We’re talking about dropping the cell phone that has the land-line connected to it and then just getting a regular land-line for around $35 that would be paid out of my regular paycheck and using my weekly money to do a prepaid cell phone, since I use my cell so infrequently.  Really, the only time I talk on it is when I take breaks at work and call Matt.  I get 600 minutes a month, my bill rolls over on the 4th, and I’ve only used 200 minutes on it.  Unfortunately, the plan I am on is the cheapest one I can do and still get my landline for $10/month.  I think it will be a lot cheaper in the long run to pay off my contract and switch like QoB and I talked about last night.  It will be a huge relief not to have to come up with almost $100 every month out of my weekly allotment every month.  It’s just too hard to keep track of that way. 

I got pretty grouchy with Matt last night.  Sometimes I get so damn tired of him playing his damn computer games.  He’s obsessed with this game called “Fallout 3” and it’s unbelievably hard to get him to get up from his computer at night.  Then, he doesn’t want to get up in the morning because he stayed up too late playing his game.  I think it mostly annoys me because I stay up and wait for him to get off work so we can spend together, and then he won’t reciprocate and get up at a decent time in the morning.  So really, it’s not so much the playing of the game that irritates me, it’s that I don’t feel like my effort is being reciprocated.  I tried to talk to him about it yesterday and just ended up pissed off, because he says that he is literally “addicted” to his game, that it was just like me saying I would quit smoking. 

I think that was just a jab because I’ve been saying the entire time we have been together that I want to quit.  And I haven’t and honestly haven’t even made a real go at it.  I think he definitely doesn’t realize how difficult it is to stop and maybe I am not so motivated to quit right now.  When I quit before for a year and a half, I was internally motivated, but other people wanting me to quit smoking really doesn’t do anything for me except to maybe make me feel guilty, but not guilty enough to quit.  I have to want to quit for myself.  I know I’ll get there, I’m just not there yet.  As I said last post, I have some other things I need to get taken care of first, like getting my sleep regulated, getting back into a routine (argh exercise), and eating normally.  And I want to do a Klonopin taper sometime here within the next several months, preferably over the summer when I am in better spirits.  Everything I’ve heard and read about Klonopin withdrawl says that smoking is craved more when the Klonopin is leaving the body for good.

And I am so dreading this Klonopin taper, although I want to get off of it more than I am worried.  My body is at a point where it is just physically dependent on it and it’s really doing nothing to me.  I’m at a level where I take it just so I don’t get sick, and I think the fact that my body is craving more is one thing interfering with my sleep.  To test this theory, I took two extra 1 mg tabs the other night, and slept just fine.  When I just take my regular 2 mg at night, I have serious problems staying asleep.  I just feel so restless and my mind races and I friggin’ can’t stay asleep. 

The cyproheptadine really did work last night, and I have quite a bit left from my old pdoc, but I don’t like the hangover effect.  I tried taking Rozerum again (previously prescribed) with no results and have a little bit of Lunesta that I’ve pondered trying again.  But I think it really boils down to my body being physically dependent on Klonopin and craving more, thus keeping me awake. 

I think that, at the time, the Klonopin did good things for me and left me able to function; however, I’m not sure that I understood how addictive it can be and I certainly feel like I should have been on a different dosing schedule.  At one point I was up to 9 mg a day and was taking it PRN, plus a scheduled dose.  I think it’s the scheduled dose that really killed me, because that’s what I’m stuck with now.  I’m hoping my pdoc will have some sort of great ideas as to how I can go off it without losing my mind and not sleeping.  I’m really ready to sleep all the way through the  night.  Even seven hours would be nice. 

I’m doing today and last night what I need to do to get my life back on track.  I took no naps yesterday, did laundry, visited Mom and DHut, talked to my sister on the phone for 30 minutes, blogged, ate a normal dinner plus an evening snack, and went to bed at a decent time.  It sounds easy, but it’s not and it is going to take some getting used to.  All I can do is force myself through it until it becomes habit again.  I know the time will come when I’ll just fall back into the routine and, as I said before, I think that will be a whole lot easier when I am getting better shifts (which I did ask for yesterday and put in a new availability sheet). 

I am totally loving my new Bob Dylan CD. 

From Tell Tale Signs, Vol.8, Rare and Unreleased  1989-2006

Bob Dylan, Mississipi Version #2


It has been over two weeks since I have last blogged.  Almost three, in fact.  And I really haven’t been keeping it up too well since August, even though I see it as a valuable tool.  I have been choosing not to use it. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I get on the computer at least once a day, with the time available, and think to myself, “I should blog.”  And there’s a part of me that desperately wants to.  It’s not for lack of things to blog about, that’s for sure.  Even if I were to just blog about daily happenings, I have fodder.  And I know if I would blog, I would feel better, even if I’m not feeling bad.  It’s just a good feeling to put thoughts to words, to let the jumble in my head fall out onto the screen. 

Instead, I come up with an excuse.  I tell myself I don’t have enough time, that I’ll do it later, will make up anything in order to walk away from the computer.  And I’m left with all of this unprocessed thought rattling around in my head, making me dizzy. 

After what I went through this spring (if you’re new, read anything between April and June), I came through with a drastically different outlook on life.  I had therapy today with Goddess of Mindfulness, and we talked about how different my life is now.  We talked about exactly what happened, that in a sense turned the key for me, that let me see that my life could be vastly different, that I as a person could be and feel so dramatically different. 

Once I realized that I didn’t have to live my life numb, hateful, miserable, struggling struggling STRUGGLING, letting my past and my emotions control my life, I think I really wasn’t sure what to do next.  For 27 years, there was always something for me to fixate negative energy on, whether real or (more often) created by my own over-anxious imagination.  Suddenly, I was focused on feeling better, feeling amazing really, and I let myself get a bit caught up in it. 

And was totally caught up, oblivious, until I leaned back in time and ripped out that old “I AM MISERABLE” headline from the Rose Daily Times and decided that I needed to make some huge life changes (namely moving out of the country and getting the hell away from everything I know) in order to be satisfied. 

Right after I went through that change, some other pretty big changes happened.  Namely Matt.  And yes, everything with him is as truly wonderful as it could be.   

But I can be happy, and still have the potential to be happier.  I can feel good and still feel better.  And I can be non-symptomatic and still have ideas and thoughts and feelings that are troubling to me.  I can’t pretend that I figured all of that out on my own in the last 24 hours, but I can tell you that I’m relieved to know it and own it now. 

And starting, um, tomorrow, or maybe in a few hours, I’ll put some of those ideas and thoughts and feelings into words. 

Expect to hear more from me.

As for my YouTubes at the end of each post, I’ve decided to start posting a song I was listening to while blogging on each post,  unless there’s just something terribly appropriate. 

Nickel Creek, Sabra Girl

In No Particular Order

Five days into the job search and I already have an interview.  It’s next week for a blood-sucker phlebotomist/lab assistant position at a local hospital.  Although I’ve never done this particular kind of work, it sounds really interesting and it pays pretty well.  It will also get me back into healthcare, which is where I want to end up, in one way or another. 

All of these comments about having a “plan.”  Jeez.  I am pretty sure that Queen of Bitches Bisquits and her L&F are merely trying to light a fire under my cute butt to post again.  So, here I am, okay?!  The temptation to disable comments is sometimes tempting, if only to keep me from pulling my hair out at 11:30 p.m.

The obvious first part of Smrtie’s Grand Plan is to “get off the dole.”  Without getting off the dole, I can’t do anything.  To get myself off the dole, I am looking for better employment (hence the job interview next week).  A piece of the financial independence goal has already been accomplished, through closing and opening bank accounts. 

And then there are all the other goals — to get married, move, travel, go back to school, eventually have kids, grow the world’s largest pumpkin, and so on and so forth.  I have no doubt that they will all come in time.  Some of it won’t happen in the next five years and some of will come much sooner than that.   Because I want it to happen, because I WILL it to happen, and because there’s no reason it can’t. 

Keep in mind that I’m young and still have a lot of time to accomplish all of it.  I don’t think it all has to be planned out to a “T,” and I’m already on the path to accomplish some of it.  And I don’t particularly think that I need Goddess of Mindfulness to plan out my life.  Yes, she gives good advice and from time to time I bounce ideas off of her.  The decisions and path I take are ultimately mine (and that’s really the way therapy is supposed to work) and she is supportive of what I am doing.  According to her, what I’m doing is “normal,” if that puts any rest to the curious minds of QoB and her L&F. 

In other news, I have been eating “normally” for the last two days.  Although it is a struggle, I have the most excellent constant support of F and really couldn’t be any happier with him.  Even though we are apart right now, we will be together soon and those plans are in the works.  I never thought I would be so lucky as to find someone like him…and now I have.  Yay!

Cover of Dispatch, Out Loud (this cover is even better than Dispatch’s version, in my opinion)

Gettin Off the Dole

Friday, September 12, 2008  5:25 a.m.

I am going to start putting dates on my blogs again.  Too confusing (at least to me) otherwise. 

Goal number one right now is getting myself off my parents’ “dole” (Mom’s words).  In order to do this, I need to find a job that pays more, obviously.  At least that is the step I would like to take.  There are other ways to do it, such as getting a roommate, but I’m not really willing to go there unless I am absolutely desparate. 

I spent several hours on Wednesday trying to get my resume and cover letters together.  It was kind of a bitch and somewhat annoying, considering I had a perfectly fine-tuned resume with various cover letters on my old laptop (that I fried when I spilled an entire McDonald’s coffee over the keyboard).  Of course, I didn’t have it stored elsewhere.  That would have made too much sense, entirely! 

But I did get my resume completed and some cover letters written.  I have applied to for a position working as a mental health professional at a correctional facility here in town, and have also applied for three clerical positions at the local university.  I plan on continuing to scour the ads everyday until something comes through. 

Although money is the biggest motivating factor in finding another job, I have other reasons as well.  Although I like my job at the home improvement store, I am feeling very unchallenged.  Yes, it can be fun.  No, it is not stressful.  But it takes about two percent of my brain cells to function there every day.  I’d like to be challenged, to be helping people, to come home and feel like I’ve actually done something with my day.  I come home and can literally feel myself feeling dumber than when I left in the morning.  Not a good feeling. 

As I said before, the real goal is financial independence.  I believe I have also mentioned this in previous posts.  Just another step toward becoming truly independent and making all of my own decisions.  It has been a long time in the making, but the cord is being cut (or gnawed at slowly) and I’m gonna make it on my own.  Exciting and scary all at the same time, but I know I can do it. 

While I am taking many steps forward, I have also fallen back in one particular area…eating.  I have been losing weight, and had been going about it in a fairly healthy way.  Unfortunately, I have fallen into some old patterns and have developed somewhat of a revulsion toward food.  This happens to me sometimes, is part of the cycle, and I am trying to nip it in the bud before it becomes a real issue. 

I met with Goddess of Mindfulness yesterday and talked about interpersonal effectiveness strategies that I can use with Mom (which I used last night and finally feel like we are on the same page) and also about my eating.  While A and J2 had been thinking about me stopping DBT, GoM disagrees and says that for the meantime, until my eating normalizes again, that I need to continue and go back to therapy once a week instead of every other week.  While this is not a pleasant thought, I am willing to do what it takes to get it under control (in a less controlled way) again. 

I will likely have the day off today, as the bait store doesn’t really need my attention when it is raining (which it has done seven out of the last ten days).  I plan on getting all of my clothes together again (fall/winter out and spring/summer put away) and trying to find a few items that have gone missing, namely library books.  I also need to set some mouse traps, because they’re back (happened around the same time last year).  I would also like to do some deep-cleaning, because my house has suddenly become very dusty.  And I’m also going to get my aquarium in order…I have tons of baby guppies right now!

Loving-Kindness Meditation:

“May you be happy.  May you be loved.  May you be at peace.  May you be protected.”

Sending that one out to all of you, and also to myself.  Because sometimes we need that.  I know I do. 


Heidi Newfield, Johnny and June