Son-of-a-Bisquit-Eater & Thoughtful Tuesdays

I am not very happy with myself right now.  I have had a small relapse in the quitting smoking realm.  I find that the mornings are especially hard, when I am trying to wake up.  I gave in to temptation this morning and have had a couple of cigarettes.  I am trying to tell myself that a few cigarettes in 24 hour’s time is a big deal, and I need to give myself credit for that.   Unfortunately, I know that relapsing is a big deal and I feel like a failure.

I don’t know why I did it, other than that the cigarettes were available.  I think, had they not been, I would have pushed through it.  That might be an excuse, but it’s what I’m working with right now.  It is really hard for DSB to be smoking and me to be stopping.  He has been going outside, but the cigarettes are STILL AROUND and it is driving me crazy.

I need to work on developing some healthy habits that not smoking can center around.  I want to get out and take a walk, but my knee right now is keeping me from doing that.  I am getting ready to do a bunch of dishes and clean up my kitchen, which is how I made it through last night, but how clean can you get a kitchen before you’re done?

On a somewhat-related note, DSB has agreed to do the floors, as long as I can get the kitchen spotless.  That is a BFD in this household and, being as it is the chore I hate the most, a huge relief to me.  All that talking I did yesterday, when I thought I was talking to a wall, obviously got through.  I also think he was feeling guilty because he has done nothing but sit on his butt for the last several days.

I must say, I have had fun with NaBloPoMo, but I will be somewhat relieved when it is over.  There have been days where I have really not felt like blogging, but did so anyway.  Character building, right?  That’s how I’m looking at it.  So far, I haven’t missed a day and don’t intend to now.  In  honor of Thoughtful Tuesdays, I leave you with this:

Thoughtful Tuesdays

I don’t know how many times, in the throes of depression or in the midst of a severe mixed state, I have felt like there was no way I could get through another minute.  That it was all too much to handle and it would never get better.  Turns out I have a 100% success rate at getting through those times, and it’s now, when I’m feeling decent, that I can look back and reflect on those hard times and know that I am strong enough to weather the toughest storm.

I think, while knowing that I can handle the bad times, it is important to validate that, during the hard times, it really DOES feel like I won’t be able to manage a minute more.  It is easier when one is feeling well to realize that feelings aren’t always reality, even though it seems that way.  If only there was a way to remember this when things get bad, I might be able to cure myself, or perhaps make it at least a bit easier to handle.

For me, the remembering comes with words.  Written words.  If the current “Rose is okay” could write the “Rose is depressed” a letter, maybe someone in Rose’s life could talk her into reading it when she feels bad.  In a way, that’s what this blog is: hopeful letters to Rose for when she feels badly, and raw and honest letters to Rose for when she forgets how bad things can get.  Because, while it is a beautiful thing to be momentarily stable, it is essential to remember that, without things like medication or routine or schedule or time to process, that stability is not possible.